Remembering...

Back when Em was around 3 or 4 weeks old she got a cold. The kind of cold where you could just see it in her her eyes that she didn't feel good at all. She looked so miserable as she tried to breathe through her little button nose that was all stuffed up and yet leaking like a faucet at the same time. When they're that young it's tough to really do much to make them feel better. She had gotten out of the hospital after having meningitis just a couple weeks earlier and I was feeling so bad for all that I had put her through and now she was miserable with a cold too! As I laid on the couch with her sleeping on my chest, hoping that if she was propped up that way it would help her rest more comfortably, Matt said to me, "She is so lucky to have you ya know. She loves you so much right now. No one else could comfort her right now like you can." In that moment I felt like the most important person in the world. I felt like no one could take my place and that I was a success as a mother. That moment was and still is sacred to me. I still think of what he said every so often and try to remind myself that even if I'm not a perfect mother, I am exactly what my kids need and no one can take my place in their lives...

Concentration...

 

Part 6...The End

I know that there are those parents of babies who have had major health issues and have had extended stays in the hospital who are probably annoyed that I had such a hard time with a 10-14 day NICU stay, but I'll admit, it was really tough for me. I had not expected this at all and to have her with me one minute and then back in the hospital the next was such a shock to me. I've never been good with change and this was not how I had planned it!

For the next week or so the doctors went back and forth on whether she would have to stay for the 10 day round of antibiotics or the 14 day round. We went back and forth to the hospital trying to balance time with Em as well as the other two at home. For my birthday on July 8th we went to dinner before the hospital and the whole time we were eating I just wanted to go hold my baby. That day they also told us that it was looking like 14 days would be what she stayed for...Happy Birthday to me. The EEG had come back normal and the cultures had not grown out at all but the 3 other spinal taps that had been done (under sedation thank goodness) showed steady improvement in the quality of her spinal fluid. Still, it was frustrating to think that maybe it was not Meningitis after all and that her fluid had just been colored from the brain bleed, which had not caused any problems and would heal itself without intervention. At one point we had talked to our Pediatrician, whom we love so much and consider a good friend, and she also told us that if it was her child she would have done the same thing. Why couldn't we just get a straight answer from the NICU docs as to how they were so confident that it had really been Meningitis?!

Every time I kissed Em, put her back in that little hospital crib and walked away I cried. I knew she was in good hands and I knew that compared to the other babies in her NICU room she was the healthiest and I was so thankful for that. But it had taken me so long to actually decide to have another baby and I had been so excited for so long to meet her and the kids were so  in love with her that to have her gone after being home for such a short time was really hard on our family. When I was home it felt like she didn't really exist and when I was with her I didn't want to let her go. There were moments when I was completely consumed with the need to hold her and she wasn't there. When I was with her I would rock her and look at her IV's and monitors and get frustrated that I couldn't just hold her or change her diaper without having to untangle her before and after. I would watch her sats religiously while I held her, tracking her heart beat and oxygen and learned which alarms were ok and which ones weren't. It seemed like I would always arrive just after they had bathed her and that would make me sad. Feeding her while I was there was always so exciting because it made me feel like I could finally do something for her. I would hold her and cry because I was so afraid that she wouldn't feel loved or bond with me like she needed too. Even then I knew logically that those were irrational fears but they were fears all the same.

The kids came up to visit her once during her stay and loved the Kids' Room where there were crafts and video games to entertain them while they took turns going to the NICU with Matt or I. They learned how to "scrub in" and how to be careful of tubes and wires while holding her. They loved the nurses and Madison even got to pick out clean bedding and make and decorate a name card for Em's bed. They thought it was exciting to eat in the cafeteria and took full advantage of being able to choose interesting combinations of food for dinner.

We had to learn infant CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver on a fake baby before they would let us take home the real thing. When Matt joked that he figured it would be more efficient to use his foot to pump the babies chest while doing CPR the nurse was not amused and I figured they may keep her for a while after that just to teach us a lesson!  She also had to pass a carseat test that proved she would not quit breathing on the way home.

In the end she stayed for 10 days, not 14. I about threw a party when they called and said to bring the carseat when we came because she would be going home the next day instead of 4 days after that! Taking off the monitors and putting her in her little pink jammies with guitars and music notes on that Madison had picked out while I was pregnant was so fun. Saying goodbye and walking out of those NICU doors with my baby was like a dream. They told us to keep her away from too many public places and too many people for the next few months and then we were free! The last doctor that we talked to, the one who discharged her, really sat down with us and let us ask question after question without being condescending or rushed. She was wonderful. She was the one that finally told us that Em's chart had showed that her protein and sugar levels in her spinal fluid along with the color and white blood cells are what made a strong case that Meningitis was present. Nobody else had told us that....for 10 days!

I remember thinking to myself, while Em was in the hospital and I ached to hold her, that I would not take her for granted when she came home. I promised myself that I would enjoy every minute with her. I think I made pretty good on that promise, well until she turned two I guess! It's hard to remember on the hard days how much I just wanted her here whether she was difficult or not! But bad days or no I am so very thankful that she is here, that we didn't wake up to find that she had passed away without any warning. My heart hurts just thinking of that possibility! We will never really know if she had Meningitis since the bacteria never grew. She still twitched occasionally after we brought her home and even Matt finally got to see it one day and admitted that it was a bit worrisome. Thankfully she has no side effects from her ordeal. Blindness, deafness and mental retardation can all be caused by meningitis. She was a bit behind with her motor skills and had some sensory issues when she was about a year old (which are also frequently found in kids who have had Meningitis at some point in their early lives)  but with therapy those things resolved and she is now actually ahead of the curve for her age.  She knows her shapes, can count to 20, recognizes numbers 1-9 and is learning her colors. Of course, I'm pretty sure that she has learned all of these skills from Dora, Elmo and my Iphone apps but hey, I'll take it!

I'll confess, I still wonder sometimes if it was all for nothing. It was really tough to feel so alone with such a wedge between Matt and I, it was horrible to watch her suffer and well, we'll be paying the medical bills from those 10 days until she is in Kindergarten! But when I think of what life might have been like without her here it makes every penny we will shell out worth it.



P.S. Thanks for coming along for the ride...




 

Part 5...10-14 Days

*I'm sure by now you are all wondering when/if this story will ever end. I'm sorry if my blog has become a bit boring as I reminisce and I promise that I will finish up soon. If you are not really interested in the rest of the story I won't mind if you dump me until next week when my regular blogging will resume. Thank you for your patience...*

The next morning I was woken up by Em's NICU nurse shortly before my phone alarm was set to go off. She had an update for me. I could feel how swollen my eyes were from crying and lack of sleep and hoped that I didn't look as bad as I thought I might. The nurse explained that Em was doing well and that they had started her on the IV antibiotics she would need for the meningitis. She told me that she no longer had a fever and was in fact having a hard time keeping her own body temperature up so they were going to keep her under a warmer until she overcame that obstacle. They had also put her on just a little oxygen as her sats kept going down. They were going to be doing an EEG later in the day to look for signs of seizure activity and the Neurologist was going to be coming by that morning to evaluate her. She mentioned that one of the other nurses had mentioned around 7:00 that morning that they were surprised that I hadn't come to check on my baby yet and she had informed them that I had not gotten to bed until 5:30am and needed some sleep. Man I was grateful!

After she left I went into the bathroom to inspect my appearance and oh boy...scary! My eyes were so swollen and my skin was blotchy. My hair was a mess and if I am really honest, I really needed a shower! I went out to the room's fridge and pulled out a couple of cold juice cans and laid down with them on my eyes. I sat there for a while and then called Matt to let him know that we were in the NICU and that I needed some toiletries brought up before I could, in good conscience, face the outside world.

When Matt arrived I gave myself a sponge-bath of sorts in the bathroom, requested a couple of rubber bands from the receptionist which enabled me to make pigtails out of my disheveled hair (luckily I had also worn a hat the night before so that went back on too) and I brushed my teeth. It's amazing how just doing a few simple things makes a person feel a little more centered in a stressful situation.

When we were ready to go see Em we were instructed as to how to properly "scrub in" for the NICU and then we were taken back to her little heated crib still in the quarantine area. She was about the same as she had been when I had kissed her goodnight in the early morning hours and it was wonderful just to touch her little toes again. Shortly after we made it to her bedside the neurologist came in along with a social worker. The social worker sat down by me and informed me that she was there in case I needed to talk about the situation with her. She told me that she had been informed that I was having a really rough time with all that had happened and wanted to know why I felt I was having such a hard time with it. I told her that I was ok, just worried about my baby, and of course....I started to cry. What I really wanted to tell her was that of course I was having a "rough time"! I was worried about Em, I felt terrible about all she had been through and  I felt completely alone in the situation and to top it all off I was post-prego hormonal!

Anyhoo, the Neuro came in and examined Em and a very strange thing happened. Every time she would stroke the right side of Em's head her whole body would twitch. The Dr. said it wasn't normal but that she couldn't explain it. She said to go ahead with the EEG and that this new twitching could be from the meningitis as well because the infection could be irritating her nervous system making her extremely sensitive to touch. She told us that Em would be in the NICU for the next 10-14 days on antibiotics. What?! We thought they would give her a prescription and send us home later in the day. Matt questioned the Dr. again as to why she even needed to be there if her cultures had not grown out at all. The Neuro was rather condescending to Matt and essentially gave him an "I'm the doctor so don't question me..."  kind of answer which didn't make matters any better for Matt. The nurses all assured us that she wouldn't be going anywhere for a while and that I should go home and get some sleep. We left the hospital with Matt more frustrated than the night before and me walking away from my baby with more tears running down my cheeks.

Driving home was one of those experiences where you try your hardest to stay awake and wonder how you got there when you pull into the garage. When I got home I took a much needed shower and fell into a much needed sleep. When I woke up a few hours later it occurred to me that it was July 4th. The other two kids had been at my SIL's house (bless her!!!) since that morning and I knew that they would come home excited for fireworks. I knew that we would have our annual cul-de-sac 4th of July party and everyone would be eager to see the baby...who wouldn't be there. There would be questions and I would have to answer them, hopefully without crying, while all I wanted to do was show off my beautiful new baby. The night was better than I thought it would be and we actually didn't end up going back up to the hospital that day and just enjoyed the holiday festivities with the older two while knowing that our baby was in good hands. It was hard on Madison not having Em around since she was already completely in love with her and had waited so eagerly for her arrival. Obviously nothing had gone quite the way she had imagined it would since the minute her new sister had been born!

Oh and P.S. - How cute is my sweet daughter for highjacking my blog to tell me that she loves me?! I love you too sweetie!

Part 4...The NICU

After Matt left I sat for quite a while wondering if Em and I had been forgotten about. A nurse came in to take Em's temperature and found that she had developed a slight fever. She left and we waited some more, me trying not to fall asleep on the chair and Em sleeping in her car seat hooked to her stroller with an oxygen mask lying on her chest to give her just a bit of extra help and an IV pole off to her side. After a while another doctor came in to make sure that I had received Em's test results and see if I had any questions. We talked for a minute and I started crying and she asked me if I was ok. I told her that I was just still unsure as to whether I had done the right thing bringing Em in and making her go through all of this. I explained that Matt was NOT happy with the situation and didn't think that she needed to be there and I just felt like I had let my baby and my husband down. She was so sweet. She sat down next to me and put her arm around me and told me that I had done the right thing. She told me that in newborns this young that sometimes the first indication that anything was wrong was finding them dead in their crib. I wish it had put my worries that I had brought her there for nothing to rest but it didn't. It was nice to hear her say that I had done the right thing though.

Finally, around 4:00am a nurse came in and told me that they were sorry that I had had to wait so long, that there had been a few traumas in a row that had come in but now that things had died down they were ready to admit Em to the NICU. I hadn't realized that she was sick enough for the NICU so this just worried me more. The nurse told me that hospital policy states that all patients have to be transported on a bed so I took Em out of her seat and placed her on the gurney as another nurse came in and strapped her to the bed. She looked so tiny on that big rolling bed! I followed behind with the stroller as the nurses pushed the bed through the halls, into then out of the elevator, and through the NICU doors. As we entered the NICU area I was told that I would have to wait for them to register her into their system and give her an initial exam before I could be with her. I took a seat on a wooden bench and watched them roll her away and out of my sight.

It was so quiet there in the hall. I looked around at the pictures on the walls, they were of the babies who had come and go from the NICU. The bench I sat on wore a plaque stating that it had been donated by a family in memory of their little girl. As I sat watching the seconds tick by on a clock and wondering what was happening with Em I saw one of the nurses that had wheeled her up there come out of the exam rooms and start talking to the NICU receptionist. I heard him tell her that one of the traumas that had come into the ER that night was a 4-year old boy that had been hit by a car and bled out. There was nothing they could do for him. I remember in that moment feeling such gratitude that my baby was alive and such sorrow for that little boy's parents. Someone had lost their child that night while I sat just doors away from them wondering what was taking so long. It was heartbreaking.

Soon enough the NICU nurse came to get me and took me back to Em's bed. She explained that Em would be in that bed for 24 hrs as a sort of quarantine and then she would be moved to a proper NICU bed in a room with 5 other babies. I looked at her laying there in just her diaper with tubes and monitors and oxygen and I thought of how sick she was and how much she had been through and how mad Matt was at me and I remember feeling so lonely and so exhausted. I held her little hand and let the tears flow. They assured me that at this point she was very stable and that I should get some rest. The clock now read 5:30am. They showed me to a Family Room where families would stay with their special needs babies to practice taking care of them before they were allowed to go home. It had a pull out couch, a TV, a small fridge and a bathroom. The sweet nurse made up the bed for me and told me that Em was in good hands and not to worry about her.

Here's where it get's kinda funny (and a little embarrassing but it's part of the story so...). Remember, I had thought that we would be going back home that night and had only packed a small diaper bag for Em and nothing for myself. I was still, ahem, bleeding at this point from giving birth and my milk was coming in and was getting to the leaky painful stage. I had no feminine products or breast pads. I rifled through the diaper bag and came up with nothin' in the way of back up so I did the only thing I could think of, I used one of Em's little diapers as a pad and then folded up some paper towels to use as breast pads. Even I laughed about that!

After that was all taken care of and I had prayed for my baby girl I crawled into bed and the tears started again. By this point I was surprised that I had any tears left! I set my phone alarm for 3 hours from then and cried myself to sleep...





  

Part 3...Meningitis

**Disclaimer: The following section of the story is very honest. It does not paint a very pretty picture of my sweet husband and I during a stressful situation. Before I decided how honest I would be I talked to Matt and asked his opinion. He told me to write it how it happened and I have. It's actually quite therapeutic for me to write about this I've decided and I am thankful that I have a husband that is ok with me writing our "true story" so that one day we'll remember the good and the bad and our kids will see that we made it through it all!** 


*Oh and the computer tantrum continues so I'm not sure if there will be pictures for the rest of the story...dangit!*


The chocolate cake was gone, the tears had subsided for a minute and it was time to go back to the ER waiting room to see how my baby girl had faired. It was about that time that Matt called. He had finally gotten into his truck and had driven down the canyon and had seen my repeated attempts to call him. "What's up?" He questioned? I told him where we were and what had transpired to far. I told him that the first round of tests had come back normal and that she had then needed a CT scan and a spinal tap. He was shocked that so much had happened in his absence. He had left that morning with Thomas thinking that all was well. That his new baby girl was pretty darn healthy and now she was in the ER having painful tests. He was not happy that I had let them do the spinal tap but I told him that I could not get a hold of him before they did it and that I had just wanted what was best for her. He hadn't really seen one of her "twitchy" episodes and he was mad because he felt like I had waited until he left and then conspired with my sister (have I mentioned we're co-dependent?) and our paranoia had fed off of each others' until we decided that something must be wrong. I tried to assure him that Amber had had nothing to do with the situation and that I had brought Em to the hospital under the pediatrician's direction. He was still mad. He said he would be up as soon as he found somewhere for T to go and could find a neighbor to come up and help give Em a blessing. I hung up the phone and the tears started all over again. Now my baby was sick, I had put her through a very painful test that I wasn't sure she needed and my husband was mad at me....good times.

At this point it was about 10:30 at night and we had arrived around 8. Madison, my sis and I sat down in the waiting room and shortly thereafter a nurse came out to talk to us about how the test had gone. I bawled while he told me that she had done well in the CT scan and that although she was not happy during the spinal tap, she was calm now and I could go back to see her. When I got back to the room, there she was wrapped in a blanket with red puffy eyes and splotchy skin that I knew had been caused by heavy crying. I picked her up and rocked her and I cried some more. Us girls sat and waited for Matt and the test results, with me not sure of which one I hoped would arrive first. Turns out it was Matt.

Matt walked in with our neighbor and good friend Sam and told me that another neighbor had let T stay with them (thank heavens for neighbors). The guys sat and visited for awhile and then anointed and blessed Em that she would heal completely from whatever infection she had and that she would be comforted through the procedures she was going through. Then we all waited.....and waited....and waited....

Around midnight Sam offered to take Madison and Amber home for us since they were getting tired and I was left with my unhappy husband to await the test results that still hadn't come (why do things in ER's take so blasted long?!). At some point they moved us to another room so that they could have the resuscitation room for a trauma that was coming in and again we waited.

After a while a doctor came in with the results which showed that Em had a small brain bleed which he said could have just been from delivery and that her spinal fluid had been a dark cloudy yellowish brown color instead of being clear as it should be. He said that her spinal fluid had a higher level of white blood cells than it should (normal being none) and that indicated an infection also. He told us that at this point they were pretty sure that she had meningitis and that she was a very sick little girl. I, of course, started crying again. He told us that they would start her on medicine as a precaution and then wait for her samples to grow out in the lab. The catch was that in babies that small much of the time their samples didn't grow out, even when they were positive for meningitis, because they could only take a very small amount of spinal fluid. Whether it grew out or not they would treat her as if she had tested positive because babies who do have meningitis, especially at such a young age, could go downhill fast. Matt wasn't happy about her being there without a sure answer that she did indeed have meningitis and when the doctor left the room I knew that Matt was not happy. He still didn't think she seemed sick enough to be there and was still feeling like I had gone behind his back.

Before the doctor left he had told us that someone else would come in to admit her and that she would then be transferred to a more permanent room. After waiting forever AGAIN Matt asked if he should stay or go get the other two. At this point it was around 2:00am I was exhausted (I had just given birth like 6 days ago for crying out loud!) and I was pretty peeved at his lack of support and I told him that quite frankly I didn't want him there anymore and to just leave...and he did.

Part 2...The Spinal Tap

I have no pictures to put with this post because I can't get to them off of my other computer right now. It is throwing a tantrum...

So we got to the ER and checked in. They took all of her vitals and sent us back to a room (which since then I have learned was a resuscitation room for the most critically ill patients and apparently they don't put you in that room unless they are really worried. I'm glad I didn't know that back then...). When the doctor came in they started examining her and took some blood samples. They told me that her coloring was redder than it should be and that she was more floppy than she should be (she didn't pull her legs and arms up like most newborns do, instead preferring to lay with her legs and arms relaxed and straight. I just figured she was a really "chill" kind of baby!) They also told me that she was dehydrated and would need some fluids. They told me that they had put a rush on the blood samples and would know shortly if her levels were off (sugar, potassium, sodium). Again I didn't worry too much, thinking that all would be well with some fluids and possibly a glucose drip and Madison and my sis and I visited and waited.

By this time I had tried repeatedly, starting when we left the house, to try to get a hold of Matt to let him know what was going on but he was somewhere in the mountains and out of range.

A short time later the doctor came back in saying that her levels all looked good except that she was indeed dehydrated. Then he proceeded to tell me that with newborns they never stop at the first round of tests when possible seizures are present. He told me that after the basic level checks they move onto trying to find an infection in the brain or spinal fluid which meant doing a head CT and a Spinal Tap. This is where the worry started to set in and my calmness began to crumble. I was perfectly ok with them taking a little blood or putting my 5 day old baby in a machine to get a picture of her brain but sticking a rather large needle into her spinal column was an entirely different story! I asked them the pros and cons. Could she be paralyzed? The chances were incredibly low. Would it cause a spinal headache? Again, very unlikely. What if I choose not to and there is something wrong? Was there another way to find out? Not if it was an infection in her cerebral fluid and if there was one and we didn't catch it the results could be severe brain damage and, in an infant that young, a rapid death. Would it be painful for her? Unfortunately, most likely. Because they were trying to find this mystery infection before it had a chance to harm her they couldn't wait for her to be sedated. Are.You.Kidding.Me. I thought we were coming for a little sugar water! I tried to call Matt one more time before giving them the go ahead......no answer. I remember looking down at Em wrapped in her blanket in nothing but a diaper and feeling like I had failed her somehow. She was 5 days old! She was supposed to come into this world and be loved and cuddled not poked with needles in her tiny little back! And what if it was all for nothing?! What if they stuck that needle in and everything was fine and I had put her through that for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?! I had heard how painful lumbar punctures could be and the thought of doing that to my brand spankin' new baby was horrible! I asked them if I could stay with her while they did it and they told me that they didn't recommend it. They told me that it would be hard to watch and that they would let me stay but would rather I leave and come back in 20 minutes after both the CT scan and the Spinal Tap were done.

I have to say that laying her back on that ER bed, kissing her little head and walking away was probably the hardest thing I have had to do. I don't know how parents do it who have to leave their children while they undergo major surgeries or medical treatments. I pray I never have to find out!

So I left the room and the tears started. I tried so hard not to show Madison how worried I was because I didn't want her to worry but the spinal was my limit! Madison and Amber and I walked to the cafeteria and tried to drown my sorrows in chocolate cake while I counted the minutes as they ticked by. Now, you have to remember that I had just given birth less than a week ago and my hormones were NUTS so that didn't help matters either. I would just get control and stop crying and then 30 seconds later I would start again. I could not stop thinking about my tiny girl being folded into a ball while they put that needle in her back. Was she hurting? Was she scared? Why the heck was 20 minutes taking SO LONG?





 

A Trip Down Memory Lane...

Since I mentioned our Meningitis episode with Emilia in my last post I have been thinking a lot about it and "what if" we hadn't have caught it. I know it happened 2 years ago but this blog didn't exist 2 years ago so I figured I'd write about it now so that it's recorded for the future. It's a long story so I'll break it up into a few posts and I'll understand if you don't read all of it...

Back then Emilia was a little (a 10 lb. 5 oz. "little") newborn. She was a month early and when she was born she had a really hard time coming around. Her shoulders had gotten stuck on the way out and when she came out she didn't cry. She didn't really move. She was really floppy and I think back and realize that I was not as worried about her as I should have been, after all her first Apgar score was a 2 out of 10. I suppose I took for granted that my other two had been healthy so she would be too. What if she hadn't come around? I remember the nurse not wanting Madison to see her at first, just in case..., while they tried to get her going and then only getting to hold her for about 5 minutes with oxygen near her nose before they whisked her away. I remember seeing her hooked up to oxygen and IV's and monitors and them telling me that she had been stuck 4 times to place the IV line and she still hadn't cried and that worried me.

Over the next 3 days she steadily improved, coming off of the oxygen and the glucose drip, and I finally heard her cry. It was hardest to watch Madison because she had been so excited for this baby and had wanted to be the first to hold her and then never got to on the day she was born. Then she wasn't allowed in the nursery because she was too young. I remember being in the nursery and holding Em up for the kids to see through the window and turning to see tears rolling down Madison's little face as she looked at this baby that she already loved so much and had been dreaming of holding for so long. One of the nurses saw me start to cry and asked how old Madison was. I told her she was eight and she said, "Hurry! Let's sneak her in for a quick second!" I will never forget the sweet look on Madison's face as she held her baby sister for all of about a minute.

A day later we brought our baby girl home and she was held non-stop. Then I started to notice something, something that I had never seen my other two babies do. Emilia twitched...a lot. It wasn't a "startle" like all babies do. She would be sleeping in her car seat and her arm would twitch repeatedly for a minute or so. I would be holding her and her arm and leg would twitch so I'd hold her a little tighter to try to get it to stop, and it wouldn't. The problem was, I was the only one who had seen it. Then, the third day we were home, Matt had taken T four-wheeling and Madison and I were watching TV on my bed with Emilia on the boppy in front of us and she started twitching again. Her little arm started jerking over and over, the longest yet, and I decided that it was time to call the doctor (I have since then looked up videos of newborn seizures found this on Youtube which is exactly what Em was doing.). I called the Pediatrician and she told me that she thought it might be from low blood sugar since she was such a big baby and that I needed to go to Primary Children's to get her sugar, potassium and sodium levels checked. I left the house with Madison and the baby in tow accompanied by my sister (who had already been on her way over to hang out) and we headed to the Children's Hospital fully expecting to be back in a few hours after some tests and maybe a little glucose...

Dinnertime with Dora...

You are all well aware of my struggles at dinnertime as I try to make dinner for our family while being hung on, chased and whined at by our lovely little toddler. It has gotten to the point that I just don't make dinner a lot of nights because I just don't have it in me anymore to go the rounds with her. We are spending WAY TOO MUCH money on eating out! I have been trying to come up with some ideas on how I could entertain her and thus maintain my sanity while I make dinner. The other day I came across a little Dora Play-Doh kit at Target and thought it might buy me some time when I need a few peaceful minutes.

Can I just say hooray for Dora?! It is a darn good thing that freakishly large headed little girl's neglectful parents let her go roaming in the jungles with only the supervision of a squeaky little primate because that's what put her on the map, therefore landing her on my table to buy me a few minutes of much needed sanity!  I have tried to only bring out the Play-Doh when I need the munchkin occupied so I can get things done and so far it is working. Now the question is what else can I get to have in reserve for when she loses interest in her Nickelodeon playmates?

Any ideas?  


            

Happy Birthday Emilia!

**This post was originally typed on June 28th**

My baby turned two today. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand I am so sad because she is my baby, my last one. She was the baby I enjoyed the most as an infant. She was the one that almost... wasn't, and I treasured each day with her for that first 18 months or so. Now? Now I kind of wish we could skip right to three, past the terrible two's. Now she is a handful! Don't get me wrong, I still love her something fierce! But lately I have to say there's not a whole lot of enjoying going on. When she's cute she's SO cute! But when she is difficult...she is IMPOSSIBLE!!! Right now it feels like impossible definitely trumps cute. As I type this she is throwing a fit because I won't spray sunscreen on her, right this second, in the living room, and we're not going outside. Driving. Me. Crazy.

But alas, she is still my baby and it is her birthday so I will look past her being impossible and instead focus on the cute. For instance, she walked up to me out of the blue yesterday and climbed on my lap and just loved me with her arms around my neck and her head on my shoulder. Then, after a minute or two, she pulled back, looked into my eyes and said, "Here Mommy, a kiss!" and planted one on my lips.

I also love when she calls Maya with her little hand beckoning, opening and closing, while saying in her sweet voice, "Come here Maya, come here". Then there's her laugh. Every member in this family will do just about anything to make her laugh. It's infectious!

My favorite thing she is doing lately though is dancing. She dances anytime she hears music. When we walked into nursery one of the other kids was playing a little xylophone and Em started bustin' a move. The best though is when she doesn't just dance, but actually tries to copy someone else's moves. We  bought "Just Dance" for the Wii and she LOVES it when the kids and their friends play it because she gets in there too. She watches so close and tries to copy those moves as much as she can...SO CUTE!

Happy Birthday my cute girl!

"Like an Orange on a Toothpick!" (said with a Scottish brogue...)

(Name the movie that quote is from...)

Saving My Sanity...

So it's been a little while since we've talked...sorry about that. I have to admit that the last week or two have been extremely trying for me. I forgot how hard it is to have a toddler around all day. My baby girl will be two at the end of this month and she has become quite a handful! I feel like she follows me around all day long trying to find as many ways as she can to drive me CRAZY! Many days it feels like she starts whining from the minute she wakes up in the morning to the minute she goes to bed at night. She has perfected an ear-splitting scream filled tantrum and shows it off multiple times a day. She has decided that if she does not get what she wants when she wants it she will let me know of her extreme dissatisfaction with me in no uncertain terms! Honestly, many days, I feel like I am two steps away from walking out that door and never coming back (or like throwing my own tantrum). I keep trying to tell myself that this too shall pass but when you're in the thick of it that doesn't seem to help much! I miss my sweet baby girl that was so peaceful and calm...

I do have to say though that my husband and two older kids are AMAZING! My kids see when I am at the end of my rope and come to my rescue by taking Em aside and playing with her. The other day Madison watched her the whole time we were at the park so that I could sit and chat with my sister. Thomas is so good at entertaining her too. He makes her laugh like nobody's business and he is her favorite jumping buddy on the trampoline (and believe me-she ALWAYS wants to be on the "Peen"). It is so sweet to see the love that they have for their baby sister...even though she drives them crazy sometimes too! Bless my dear sweet husband also. He comes home after long days at work and steps right in, sometimes with me in tears behind him, and gives Em his enthusiastic attention when I have no enthusiasm left. He picks up the whirlwind that has hit the house, throws in some laundry, does some dishes and doesn't complain when I ditch him to go for a Girls' Night. Honestly, right now I feel kind of useless. He does SO much to pick up everything that falls apart around me all day long.

I feel like I am empty. Like I have nothing left to give. Do you ever feel that way? I know this is a hard time. I know that this will pass and that I will miss this cute toddler stage, because yes, sometimes she is darn cute! But right now I am just trying to keep my head above water. I've noticed though that I feel better on the days that we get out and do something. If we stay home all day long I feel like I am going insane! The other day I took the kids to the mall (and left my camera in the car-darnit!) and we played at the Dinosaur Playland and rode the train and the carousel and had lunch and it was SO much fun! It was also like $60 after all was said and done. We've done lots of fun things this week (which I'll be posting about in the coming week) and it's really helped my overall mood but I've also spent too much money. I need to find much cheaper things to do that will get us out of the house and still entertain the kids. Any ideas?

Anyhoo, I guess it's probably better that I didn't post in the last week or so...in my frame of mind it wouldn't have been pretty! But I have some posts in the works now so come back and visit and I'll try to get back to updating more often.




P.S. I've decided to allow anonymous comments for those who don't have a google account so if you haven't been able to leave one before due to a lack of Gmail account, feel free to do it now...

This is for the Birds!

A few weeks ago we got a bird feeder to hang in one of the trees in our front yard. We thought it would be fun for Em to be able to stand at the window and watch the birds each day. Our next door neighbors have had one in their yard for awhile and each time Em would go outside she would see the birds and yell out excitedly, "Hi Birdies!" while waving enthusiastically and running straight at them. It was so darn cute!

Well, we're going on about a month now with our own feeder and have found out that the 10-15 birds that seem to frequent our little bird cafe are absolute pigs! You would not believe how much a bunch of little birds can eat each day! We fill the thing to the brim and six hours later it's practically gone! Oh, and come to find out, bird seed is not cheap. It's been really fun to see how many different kinds of birds have showed up though. I wish I knew all their names so I could tell you.

(This picture was taken on Madison's little point and shoot that I gave her. It's focus is going out so it's kind of blurry...sorry.)

Two Sundays ago we came out to leave for church and found a little yellow canary who had nestled down into the sun warmed mulch under a bush and fallen asleep. It lay there calmly while we took pictures and talked about it. I've never seen a canary in the wild before, only in pet stores, and it made me a little sad to look at that cozy little bird who could fly anywhere he wants, and then think of all the birds locked up in cages....I know, I sound like a member of PETA now!

Anyway, even though we have piglet birds with no manners I'm so glad we put that little feathered friend truck stop out there. It's provided much entertainment to all of us but especially Em and Maya. Now if we could just teach the "special" robin that occasionally flies repeatedly into our front window that there's glass there, everyone (feathered and not) would be happy with this arrangement!

Bye Bye Binky!

Well, it's time. Emilia is now nearly 2 years old and still wants a binky. It makes me sad to take her "mouth woobie" because it's one thing that still makes her seem like a baby to me but I've always hated seeing older toddlers with binkies in their mouths and hearing them talk around them. I know that she is not that old yet but lately I've been thinking that it's about time to ditch the old bink. It's not even so much that I don't like the way it looks (it's kinda cute actually) but it does hinder her speaking and the worst part is that, as I have mentioned before, she put's her lower lip up over the bottom rim of the binky, which makes it nearly impossible to swallow, which in turn leads to massive drooling. I'm talking constant strings of spit flowing from her binky drenching the front of her shirt. When you take her binky out out of her mouth so she can eat or talk a string of drool comes with then drops onto the nearest surface...yuk. The other day when we were outside she had the usual spit running out and the wind blew it just right and created a large cluster of "spit grapes" that hung from her binky. Gross!

So yesterday I cut the tip off of one of her binkies and threw the rest in the garbage so that I would not be tempted to give in. I told her it was broken when she noticed it was different. She chewed on it and handed it back. Things were ok and then naptime came 'round. Oh boy! Hysterics for about a half hour straight. I went in a couple of times and tried to rock her and sooth her and nothing helped. I have to admit that I cried too. My heart was breaking thinking that I was breaking my baby's heart. It was so hard to know that I couldn't explain to her why I wouldn't give her her most beloved item. I know, it sounds silly but it's how I felt. Finally I went and got her and let her lay on the couch next to me for while. I decided to lay her back in bed and then I think she decided that a broken binky was better than no binky and she went to sleep. Hmmm. Not exactly what I had been aiming for.

Well today it's the same. A broken binky is better than no binky apparently because she is sleeping as I type this post. I snipped some more off and it's still acceptable it seems. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I should just take it away cold turkey...but I can't. I'm a wimp!!! Not to mention she gets mad as a  hornet when she wants that thing and can't have it! We were at Target today and she chucked her box of Gold Fish Crackers on the floor, fishies everywhere, while letting out a piercing scream that actually echoed through the store...clean up on aisle five! Darn that child!!! Let me tell you, making the decision to stop both our woobies (my Diet Coke, her bink) at the same time was really stupid too. When I get stressed, Diet Coke is the first thing I think of. I  made it to noon today though before I gave in to the craving. This may not seem like a victory but it is for me! I guess neither of us seem to be able to stop cold turkey...like mother like daughter. Of course, I guess this gives me added empathy to the binky withdrawal she has to go through. If you have any ideas that might help with this whole binky detox let me know-I'm desperate! Do I keep cutting away at the nipple? Take it away all at once? Give it to her in bed, but ONLY in bed? Help!!! I just keep repeating to myself, "She won't take a binky to college...She won't take a binky to college..."


Your's in desperation,

The terrible two's...

E

Woooooowheeeee! Have we hit the terrible two's! My easy going baby girl has found her inner diva and watch out! It's been coming on little by little with tantrums over getting in her car seat and her insisting she decides where to sit while I put her shoes on. Tantrums over being put in the cart at the store and the high chair at restaurants. Now when I say tantrum I mean laying on the floor (or the street, or the middle of the sidewalk/store aisle) crying and screaming with her face buried in her hands, looking up periodically to see if I am still watching. Anyway, this morning started with a doozy of a tantrum at Hobby Lobby over getting into the cart after we tried it outside of the cart (which didn't go well-what a surprise!). Oh yeah, people were staring. Then a tantrum in the bath tub after we got home (she usually loves baths-but not lately). Then a tantrum over not getting to play with my iPhone.  The tantrums continued after naptime when I couldn't take her outside at the exact moment she wanted to go out, when I was making dinner and couldn't pick her up, when I didn't get her out of her chair fast enough after she had eaten and then when I did. Finally I took her outside hoping that it would sweeten her up a little. Bad idea. While I was talking to my neighbor she (Em, not my neighbor ;) threw a mighty impressive half hour long tantrum that started on the grass, then moved to the middle of the sidewalk, then she walked down the middle of the cul-de-sac crying as she went. I had to chase after her when some other neighbors came driving up (yep-Stellar Mom Moment). Now lest you think I am an uncaring mother, I tried to comfort her but oh no, there was no comforting to be had. Finally, after she had calmed down and then melted down again repeatedly we went inside to get a sippy of milk (thanks to my FAB-U-LOUS older daughter) and things calmed down a bit. Daddy came home which is always a treat and things were considerably better until bedtime (which went smoothly as well).

So here I sit  by the bluish glow of my laptop not entirely enthusiastic about what tomorrow might bring. I am trying to give her lots of choices and not pay attention to the tantrums (which is what landed her in the middle of the cul-de-sac...stop laughing Nicole!) but good criminy! It's a darn good thing she is starting to talk so much in that cute little voice of hers ("Tinkoe, Tinkoe, Tinkoe, Tinkoe..................Star....."), right now it's her saving grace. That and her incredibly entertaining facial expressions! But if you should see me in the middle of the sidewalk, face down crying, you'll know why. Just walk on by....I'll be done in a minute.

One of the good days...

FYI-Lest you should get confused...The pictures with this post have absolutely nothing to do with the post itself, other than the fact that they are of The Pea. I just thought they were cute!

Tuesday was one of the good days. You know the ones? The days where you feel the magic of being a mom. Where for just a little while the laundry and dishes don't matter and the feel of your baby in your arms and the sunshine on your face stops time for a little while.

Wanting to be outside with the big kids on the trampoline...

It was a beautiful day, the sun shining and birds chirping. I took Em outside for some fresh air and playtime. We wandered around the cul-de-sac while she discovered bugs and rocks, all the while jabbering in her little toddler voice. She found a baby "roly-poly" bug as it mozied across the sidewalk. She watched it until it crawled down the other side of the curb into the rock garden below while she pointed enthusiastically and jabbered in her own little language, seemingly asking it to come back. We waved and told the bug "bye-bye" and went on our way. Ten feet later, after saying "bugs" repeatedly she had to turn around and go back to squat down and point some more at the spot where our insect friend had been seen last.

At last we continued our walk and a moment later she stopped me rather urgently in front of the neighbor's lawn, handing me her egg shaped purple sidewalk chalk that had hitched a ride in her little fist, and I drew a heart and a kitty because those are the shapes that always make her smile. Eventually we found our way back to our driveway and she ran across the grass to our neighbors gate, thinking it was ours, and I knew she wanted to go jump on the trampoline. I opened the gate and before she could get to the trampoline she had to climb the steps of our RV and go inside. We sat for a little while in the cool interior and she explored the beds and seats that smelled of past family camping trips. Soon enough she was ready to go! We re-entered the bright sunshine and she pointed to the trampoline while running on her little legs. I hoisted her up and one of her trademark grins lit her face. We bounced and bounced and she laughed and squealed.

Then I layed back, and she climbed onto my stomach, laying her head on my chest. Soon, in her little binkie hindered toddler voice, she started to sing "Tink-o...tink-o...tink-o..." I joined her and we sang "Twinkle Star" and "Itsy-bitsy Spider" over and over. If the neighbors heard me they probably thought I was crazy, singing to myself. By this time she had quieted to just humming and then silence. In that moment, with my baby girl on my chest, both of us bouncing softly with the sun warming us, I wanted time to stop. I complain. I whine. I get tired of it all. But I do realize that this time is fleeting. My last baby is growing and I can't stop her. Too soon the moment was gone. She needed some lunch and a nap. The day moved on with chores, making dinner, bath time etc. But that one moment has stayed with me since then. I need to record it forever somewhere in my mind and heart and I need to create more moments like it on a daily basis.

One more thing. As I was making dinner The Princess said, "Look at the sky Mom!" This is what I saw:

I love that my girl loves beautiful things like sunsets as much as I do. 

          Loves!
       

Sidewalk Chalk...

Last week I got out the sidewalk chalk with Em

It was a lovely spring day (the next day it snowed...) and we stayed out for a while.

It was so nice to just soak up some sun and put smiles on my baby girl's face just by drawing a smiling sunshine!

If only the most difficult choice in our lives was pink or blue? 

Last week also saw the boys burning weeds (something Thomas asks for repeatedly once the snow melts)...

Sisters bouncing...

and the sweetest stray dog ever...

Before the snow it was such a beautiful week, wetting our appetites for summer!

What did you do last week?

The Pea is sick!

I know the above picture is blurry but it's actually one of my favorites. It was taken when The Pea was about 6 months old and had a really bad cold and two ear infections. She was SO miserable and yet she was still smiling! I thought of this picture today when we were at the InstaCare. She was there this past Saturday too. It all started last Thursday when I noticed what I thought was a zit right by her right eye. It got bigger and bigger. On Saturday I mentioned it to The Hubster and we both thought it was quite the impressive mark! Then I took off her PJ's to get her dressed and saw another big one on her chest and another on her leg. There were 3 or 4 smaller ones on other parts of her body. I immediately asked The Hubster what Chicken Pox look like. I had them as a kid, (didn't we all?) but haven't seem them for many years since they have a vaccine for them now. I called my mom and asked what they look like and then decided I better have her looked at just so I knew for sure who I needed to keep her away from. We took a trip to the InstaCare and sure enough, she had The Pox! They told me to watch for other symptoms such as runny nose, fever and possible pneumonia. They also said she wasn't covered in spots most likely because she had been vaccinated and therefore she had a milder case. Now I always thought that Chicken Pox was a skin thing, but apparently it's a full blown virus! So the last few days she has developed a runny nose, fevers and cough. The last two nights her cough has been pretty bad and today it was awful! The last straw was when, in the car, she had a 5 minute long coughing fit complete with gagging and her eyes and nose running. I was just up the street from the InstaCare so I thought we'd just drop in. They looked at her, listened to her breathing, and did a chest x-ray. The poor baby was terrified by the x-ray. The put her in this chair contraption thingy that closed around her and I had to hole her arms straight up. She survived though and promptly fell asleep obviously exhausted from her terrible ordeal. (Honestly I don't know how you Moms with seriously ill kids do appointment after appointment day after day! You are my HEROES!) We were told to wait for them to read the x-ray. After a few minutes the Dr. sent us home saying she would call with the results and gave me an Rx for Zyrtec which should help with the cough. About a half hour after I got home she called and said that the X-ray showed a definite bronchial virus that could be caused by the Pox but is also frequently caused by RSV. RSV too!? My poor kid! They would have to do a blood test to get a sure diagnosis of RSV and she said that unless her breathing worsens (right now she is just retracting a little bit), her fever goes way up suddenly, or she is having major coughing w/vomiting spells we didn't need to put her through a blood draw and we should just take her to the ER if any of the previously mentioned things happen. So, now we wait. Hopefully it will all resolve itself soon. She said it could get worse before it gets better though. I hope not. I think of all the babies I read about who are in the hospital for RSV and their poor families who worry so much and I just pray we won't have to go there. *sigh* Chicken Pox and possible RSV.....She sure knows how to get attention huh? :)

"Hewoooo...?"

I almost forgot! My favorite thing The Pea does right now is this...

Like most toddlers she would cry when I would go use the bathroom and shut the door (too much info?). So she would sit and pound on the door and cry and the only way she would stop was if I called, "Hellooooo...?" starting normal and going up in pitch at the end. She would still knock but would wait and listen and then laugh at my greeting. Then one day I went in, shut the door and heard a little knock followed by a little voice that
said, "Hewooooo...?" Same pitch and everything. A couple knocks, followed by a, "Hewoooo...?" to which I respond, "Helloooo...?" and it repeats over and over until I come out. *Sigh*  

That, I will miss someday.

The Pea

Meet The Pea (short for Sweet Pea)

Random Facts...

She is the baby of the family-18 months old

She was my biggest baby at 10lbs. 5oz. (4 weeks early!)

She had a rough start. Getting stuck during delivery, really low Apgar scores, and stayed in the nursery

 She went back to the (children's) hospital, after being home for a day, and was admitted for 10 days in the NICU to treat Meningitis

She has been behind here and there with her motor skills (most likely due to the Meningitis) but has now caught up...yea!!!!

She has been a WONDERFUL baby, happy almost all the time

She has a great sense of humor already and loves to make us laugh

She is always making funny faces

 

 

She adores Elmo and Dora and tries to sing along with their songs

She LOVES shoes. She always wants to wear her own and if she finds any laying around she has to try them on. This includes my shoes, The Hubster's HUGE shoes and even friends' shoes left by the front door!

She also loves socks, usually on her hands, not her feet

 

95% of the time she will not keep a bow on her head and has very little hair still so she gets called a boy a lot

She'll do just about anything for a chocolate chip or M&M

She already wants to do EVERYTHING her siblings do

She is a binkie baby and usually sucks it with her lower lip over the bottom rim. She also has her woobie (blankie) that she carries around and thinks it's HILARIOUS to drag it (and various other items) behind her as she walks-especially if the dog will chase it

She thinks it's also pretty darn funny to walk around with bent legs

She is obsessed with a bottle of vegetable oil and carries it around daily. We find it all over the house (not the oil, the bottle)  

She loves to "help" unload the dishwasher, read books, and climb/sit on any boxes that might be laying around

She is the baby that almost wasn't. We swore we'd NEVER do it again. But when I look at her, at how much joy she has brought to our family, at what she has taught us about faith and miracles and patience, I thank God every moment of every day that she is part of our family...even when she's driving me NUTS! 

I mean...she is a toddler...