Too Funny...

Let's lighten things up a bit after that last post and enjoy some comedic relief from the mouths of my children...



As is common with an almost 3 yr old we are easing into potty training. The other day as Em sat on the pot things weren't....shall we say "working out"?....the way she wanted them to. She looked at me and said in frustration, "It's not working Mom....The batteries are out in  my butt!" Such a little lady!

One day I was watching a show on TLC about high risk pregnancies. Thomas came into the room as they were talking about doing an ultrasound to see if the baby was breach. He turned to me puzzled and asked, "They need to check if the baby is British?" 

So the other night we get in the car and I lost my patience with T after he had asked about something for the 5th or 6th time. There was definite tension in the car as the blow-up settled around us and silence ensued. From the backseat Emilia pipes up and says, "Thomas, I'm going to laugh at you...HAHAHA!" Then after a pause she morosely says, "Sorry, Thomas." Of course we all busted up laughing to which she responded, "Ummm...Mom? What happened?"

One night in Target near Christmas I had all three kids with me and was feeling extremely frazzled. As I was trying to breathe deeply in order to prevent either a blow-up or tears Thomas said excitedly, "Look! There's the Christmas trees!" Then without missing a beat Madison answered in a high squeaky voice, "That's not a Christmas tree boy...that's just an illusion!"

      Man I love that my kids have great senses of humor!




Loves!-M










      

Crazy is as Crazy does...

Well I took the blog private for a while as some of you probably saw. I honestly don't know if anybody will still think to check back and see if I'm here. If not, that's ok. But lately I've had the urge to write, so here I sit again staring at this screen and it fills me with a little anxiety. I always feel like I have to entertain. I have to be wittier and have better pictures and funnier stories. I feel this responsibility to entertain which is silly because this is my family journal, my personal journal (as personal as a blog can be...ha!) and it's really just supposed to be a place to write my thoughts and feelings and memories down and figure out my everyday life right?

Anyway, lately I feel this need to change. If we're being honest here...I really don't like myself much. Now don't get me wrong. I think I'm basically a good person. I try to be kind, I love my family, I try not to break any laws, I like small fluffy animals and rainbows and unicorns. But deep at the heart of it all there's something there that whispers that I can do more, be more.

I think we've talked about this before, you and I, but anyway...For years I have been plagued by clinical depression. I've been on happy pills for most of our marriage and it's really never bothered me to have to take a pill to be happy until now. A diabetic takes insulin, I take Happy Pills. Now that Matt is self employed we have somewhat crappy insurance. Now my magic pills cost $308.00/mo. Yes, you read that right. Every month when I go in to refill my prescription the Pharmacist looks at me and asks, "Do you have any insurance to help with this?!" I say, "Yes but we're self employed so it's limited." I inform him that because I take the meds for depression our ins. won't cover them because what? Depression is all in my head? Ha. K, I guess it is...not what I meant. It's just not a real ailment apparently. Yeah, don't get me started. Anyhoo, then the poor man looks at me terribly sympathetically and informs me of the price to which I smile, because it's not his fault that it costs so much, and I swipe my card. While my purchase is being approved by the debit card gods in the card machine he asks if I have tried anything else to which I answer, "I've tried everything else." Even then I feel a need to please, to smooth it over for him so that he doesn't feel bad charging me. Here's the deal though, I really have tried everything else. This is like the 10th form of antidepressant that I've tried. This is it, the last straw before I have to look for other options. Stronger meds with stronger side effects that have to be doled out by specialists because my little brain just wouldn't soak up the "normal" stuff. Now add in the fact that I was also diagnosed with ADD this past year (which looking back has effected everything for as long as I can remember-and no it's not ADHD although maybe I'd benefit from some hyperactivity to light a fire under me!) and I have an almost comical difficulty getting anything productive done at all!

So back to the happy pills-I've been looking for alternatives. The soft-spoken woman at the natural foods store suggested that I start taking the homeopathic anxiety pills that Madison takes along with St. John's Wart. It worked for her she tells me, so that's what I'm trying now. Granted it will still be around $100.00/mo. for the homeopathic route but that's better than $300 and I sure won't miss the side effects or withdrawal symptoms when I run out for a day or two. So far it seems to working. I'm taking 1 of my reg meds a day instead of 2 now and the new stuff seems to be picking up the slack. I'm throwing some L-Tyrazine in there for the ADD and it's some days I'm starting to actually feel a little focused. We'll see... I'm also looking into nutrition and other aggravators (Diet Coke and sugar???).

Why did I go off into a tangent on depression and ADD? Well because in my world, they affect everything. They're the voices in my head telling me all day long that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not organized enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough....you name it, I'm not enough. But lately, I've gotten a little tired of those voices. I've gotten tired of being tired-mentally and physically. When you're depressed and/or have ADD it's really easy to stay in bed all day and sleep because that way you don't have to acknowledge that it all got too overwhelming and you dropped the ball once again and nothing got done. The laundry is still in a heap on the laundry room floor, the dishes are still stacked in the kitchen sink and the housekeeping fairies didn't come vacuum while I slumbered. Some days just waking up at some point feels like a chore by itself!

I've had people tell me that if I hadn't have told them about it that they would never have known that I suffer from depression. I'm good at putting on a happy face when others are around. Who wants to be known as Debbie Downer ya know? But here, in my home I'm just me, craziness and all.

Know who I want to be? I want to be the homemaker that gets out of bed in the morning and fills optimistic about the day. I want to have the motivation and energy to accomplish things. I want there to be clean undies for everyone and no signs of 3 day old syrup dried on the table. I want to go to a parent/teacher conference without feeling guilty because I have not been on top of things enough, again, to make sure that homework got done. I want my kids to ask,  "what's for dinner?" and  not get excited just because it doesn't come from a drive-thru window or was made by just adding water. I want my husband to come home to clean bathrooms and clean towels and a wife who still has some enthusiasm left for him. I want to remember things and be able to focus on a task and actually complete it and not have to take 2 "brain health" days off for every one day that I'm productive. I want to be able to handle my home and family and some other projects/callings/hobbies/whatever.  Right now anything outside of the basics feels basically impossible. Add in the fact that Matt's schedule right now is CUH-RAZY and it's the perfect storm for insanity!

I know, I know, Debbie Downer right? But back to the beginning of this rambling post. There's that little voice that's telling me that I'm tired of just surfing this exhausting "mental illness" wave and it's time to find my mojo. You've heard that saying, "Ain't nobody happy if Mama ain't happy!"? Well it's true. I feel like my own insanity just causes more chaos in our home. I want them to feel like I've got it under control (well, most of the time anyway!).

So I suppose that the whole point of this is to think out loud. There will be posts coming about new systems, both for me and my family, new habits that will hopefully make our family's daily life make a little more sense (along with a few more rants as well!). I'm reading books about overcoming and living with ADD/Depression and hopefully these new homeopathic meds will do the job too so that I can put the money saved on them towards dinners that require more than just some added water! Although, you know my friends at McDonalds are really gonna miss my bright sparkling personality if I'm no longer a regular. I'm just sayin'........


Loves!-M






    


    

Motherhood

From Mother to Daughter: Shared Wisdom from the Heart: "Start now to be the kind of mother you always wanted to be. Don't wait until she's eighteen...Keep in mind that all she wants to be doing--for the greatest part of her young life--is what you're doing."

Remembering...

Back when Em was around 3 or 4 weeks old she got a cold. The kind of cold where you could just see it in her her eyes that she didn't feel good at all. She looked so miserable as she tried to breathe through her little button nose that was all stuffed up and yet leaking like a faucet at the same time. When they're that young it's tough to really do much to make them feel better. She had gotten out of the hospital after having meningitis just a couple weeks earlier and I was feeling so bad for all that I had put her through and now she was miserable with a cold too! As I laid on the couch with her sleeping on my chest, hoping that if she was propped up that way it would help her rest more comfortably, Matt said to me, "She is so lucky to have you ya know. She loves you so much right now. No one else could comfort her right now like you can." In that moment I felt like the most important person in the world. I felt like no one could take my place and that I was a success as a mother. That moment was and still is sacred to me. I still think of what he said every so often and try to remind myself that even if I'm not a perfect mother, I am exactly what my kids need and no one can take my place in their lives...