Motherhood

From Mother to Daughter: Shared Wisdom from the Heart: "Start now to be the kind of mother you always wanted to be. Don't wait until she's eighteen...Keep in mind that all she wants to be doing--for the greatest part of her young life--is what you're doing."

Remembering...

Back when Em was around 3 or 4 weeks old she got a cold. The kind of cold where you could just see it in her her eyes that she didn't feel good at all. She looked so miserable as she tried to breathe through her little button nose that was all stuffed up and yet leaking like a faucet at the same time. When they're that young it's tough to really do much to make them feel better. She had gotten out of the hospital after having meningitis just a couple weeks earlier and I was feeling so bad for all that I had put her through and now she was miserable with a cold too! As I laid on the couch with her sleeping on my chest, hoping that if she was propped up that way it would help her rest more comfortably, Matt said to me, "She is so lucky to have you ya know. She loves you so much right now. No one else could comfort her right now like you can." In that moment I felt like the most important person in the world. I felt like no one could take my place and that I was a success as a mother. That moment was and still is sacred to me. I still think of what he said every so often and try to remind myself that even if I'm not a perfect mother, I am exactly what my kids need and no one can take my place in their lives...

Spinning Plates...

For Christmas my parents gave each of the older kids $50.00 to spend on whatever caught their fancy...SO GENEROUS! Thomas spent his on a laser tag gun set, some surprisingly good quality walkie talkies and a large Hex Bug. Madison decided to spend hers on sprucing up her room. Hmmm...whoever could she have gotten the decorating bug from? Not me I'm sure...hee hee. Anyway, she spent some money on a cute furry pillow for her bed and then decided to spend the rest on paint. Of course, if we're being really honest then I must confess that I've chipped in some extra money to the project. It was fun to go out for a GNO with her and buy her pillow and pick her paint colors. Her and Thomas have been busy painting away for the last two days and I have been shuttling them back and forth to Home Depot the last 3 days and also supervising the project trying to ensure the paint goes on the walls and nothing else.

While doing all this the house has fallen apart around me. The dishes just got done, like minutes ago, and the counters wiped off. As for the rest of the house? It looks like a bomb went off in pretty much every room. We are mostly out of groceries that would actually make a balanced, complete meal BUT after hanging at The Depot 3 times with 3 children repeatedly in the last week, I am fresh out of patience and energy to attempt the grocery store now. I have no idea what we're gonna eat for dinner tonight. Lunch isn't looking to promising either at this point and it should have been served two hours ago! I keep looking around and thinking of all of the other things that need to be cleaned and de-cluttered and organized around this place. None of it's gettin' done anytime soon!

But I keep reminding myself that I'm doing what's important. My kids are building skills and confidence. I am showing them that I believe in them, that I trust them with important projects. I am spending time with them that they will remember...and so will I. I am helping them complete a project that Madison and I have talked about doing for a long time. The proud smiles on their faces when they show me the progress they've made make it all worth the grinding halt that has come to the rest of the house. Yeah, this was a good idea. I'm glad we're doing it.

Now, about tonights dinner....is Behr paint non-toxic?






Kidding...just kidding!!!







    

Yep, still here...

I've had a few people ask me about my lack of posts lately so I figured I would get on here and let you know that, yes, I am still alive. I've been in a bit of a funk I think. My sister left and I miss her something fierce! My kids have been sick off and on, especially Madison and we have been trying to get to the bottom of what is causing her ongoing stomach pain. T is getting baptized tomorrow and I have been running around crazy-style trying to get everything we need for that and the invitations made and printed, then emailed out but never mailed because well, things were crazy. In the middle of everything I hurt my already painful back and that has slowed me down and made things harder. My sweet mom has helped me out SO MUCH this past week starting at a moments notice when I called and asked her to come get Em out of her crib after nap time because I literally could not stand up! *sigh*


It's funny how when a few things are stressful in life, it makes everything take on a negative feeling. I am discouraged that my back is once again making every day life harder and slower. The house falls apart because the simplest chores are painful and then I start to think about how unorganized I am and feel like a failed homemaker. I get frustrated and sad when I cannot help my child who is crying in pain in the middle of the night with stomach pain. I start to wonder if it is because, well honestly, I have not been the most diligent mother when it comes to teaching my children about nutrition and I worry that due to my negligence her stomach is suffering because I feed her too much junk. Then the paranoid side of me kicks in and I worry that it is something really serious that I am missing. Either way, I feel that I am failing as a mother. The feeling intensifies when I cannot pick up Em when she is begging me, "Carry you! Carry you!" at the store because my back hurts so bad and when T brings home his report card and I see that he is struggling with math and I have a sneaking suspicion that it is because I am not usually on top of him when it comes to homework and frequently just ignore it with all of the rest of the chaos going on each day after school.

When it comes to T getting baptized I have tried really hard to make sure everything is ready, from making invites (but not mailing them-FAIL) to buying him new dress shirts and ties to buying him a gift and making sure that we have a picture of him for display on the special day. Of course, then the guilt sets in because when Madison got baptized I was REALLY pregnant and miserable with Em and a lot of things fell through the cracks. We bought her a beautiful white dress but I didn't make invites. I didn't get her a gift because my pregnant brain didn't think about it. I forgot the camera and so I had to rely on others for pics and I wish I had the ones that I can see in my mind now. I guess I just don't want her to think that she is/was any less special...

Matt is planning on going to his Dad's house all day after the baptism to watch the day's BYU and Jazz games and instead of being excited for him to have a much deserved break and some time with his Dad, I got irritated and jealous that he was leaving for so long and I let it show when I responded in frustration to his plans. I know that he works SO HARD for our family and he really enjoys this season of sports each year and he totally deserves a fun break. Why can't I just be a good wife and be happy that he has the opportunity to relax for a little while?!

Have I mentioned that I ate Ben and Jerry's...TWICE...this week? How's that diet going you ask? Yeah.

That brings us back to this here blog. Each day I think about writing something and cannot think of anything that would actually interest anyone. I want it to be fun and inspiring and instead I feel so unorganized and discouraged so I just don't write anything.

Whew. Anyway, that's where I've been. Now that I have vomited it all over the screen I'm sure that ya'll will think twice next time you think about asking why I haven't posted in a while!

PITY PARTY FOR ONE is now CLOSED!

Saving My Sanity...

So it's been a little while since we've talked...sorry about that. I have to admit that the last week or two have been extremely trying for me. I forgot how hard it is to have a toddler around all day. My baby girl will be two at the end of this month and she has become quite a handful! I feel like she follows me around all day long trying to find as many ways as she can to drive me CRAZY! Many days it feels like she starts whining from the minute she wakes up in the morning to the minute she goes to bed at night. She has perfected an ear-splitting scream filled tantrum and shows it off multiple times a day. She has decided that if she does not get what she wants when she wants it she will let me know of her extreme dissatisfaction with me in no uncertain terms! Honestly, many days, I feel like I am two steps away from walking out that door and never coming back (or like throwing my own tantrum). I keep trying to tell myself that this too shall pass but when you're in the thick of it that doesn't seem to help much! I miss my sweet baby girl that was so peaceful and calm...

I do have to say though that my husband and two older kids are AMAZING! My kids see when I am at the end of my rope and come to my rescue by taking Em aside and playing with her. The other day Madison watched her the whole time we were at the park so that I could sit and chat with my sister. Thomas is so good at entertaining her too. He makes her laugh like nobody's business and he is her favorite jumping buddy on the trampoline (and believe me-she ALWAYS wants to be on the "Peen"). It is so sweet to see the love that they have for their baby sister...even though she drives them crazy sometimes too! Bless my dear sweet husband also. He comes home after long days at work and steps right in, sometimes with me in tears behind him, and gives Em his enthusiastic attention when I have no enthusiasm left. He picks up the whirlwind that has hit the house, throws in some laundry, does some dishes and doesn't complain when I ditch him to go for a Girls' Night. Honestly, right now I feel kind of useless. He does SO much to pick up everything that falls apart around me all day long.

I feel like I am empty. Like I have nothing left to give. Do you ever feel that way? I know this is a hard time. I know that this will pass and that I will miss this cute toddler stage, because yes, sometimes she is darn cute! But right now I am just trying to keep my head above water. I've noticed though that I feel better on the days that we get out and do something. If we stay home all day long I feel like I am going insane! The other day I took the kids to the mall (and left my camera in the car-darnit!) and we played at the Dinosaur Playland and rode the train and the carousel and had lunch and it was SO much fun! It was also like $60 after all was said and done. We've done lots of fun things this week (which I'll be posting about in the coming week) and it's really helped my overall mood but I've also spent too much money. I need to find much cheaper things to do that will get us out of the house and still entertain the kids. Any ideas?

Anyhoo, I guess it's probably better that I didn't post in the last week or so...in my frame of mind it wouldn't have been pretty! But I have some posts in the works now so come back and visit and I'll try to get back to updating more often.




P.S. I've decided to allow anonymous comments for those who don't have a google account so if you haven't been able to leave one before due to a lack of Gmail account, feel free to do it now...

Comparisons

As women we all look at each other and compare ourselves. Why does she look that good after just having had a baby and my baby is almost two and I‘m still in a size 16? Why do her kids always look so polished every time I see them and mine are just lucky to have a clean face, much less expertly styled hair and cutey-patooty clothes? Why does she look cute every time I run into her at the grocery store and I’m always in my sweats and hat? You know you do it. We all do. We’ve all heard the quotes, the Relief Society lessons, the General Conference talks on not comparing ourselves and yet we do it still. I suppose it’s human. I’m not going to tell you not to do it because I know it won’t change things. We start comparing when we are 4 or 5 yrs. old and we will do it till’ the day we die. It is something that women are famous for.  I remember when my oldest daughter was about four we were at Kmart and she pointed to a woman down the aisle and said, “Mom? How come your bum is so much bigger than her’s?”  Isn’t she sweet?!  I remember in that moment I pasted on a fake smile, gave a fake laugh and said dryly, “Because I’ve had two almost 10 lb. babies and I’m still recovering.” Of course, my youngest at the time was almost two so that wasn’t a valid excuse. The woman down the aisle either didn’t hear or graciously ignored my delightful child and we went on our way. I remember though, thinking about the comment for weeks after that. I knew my child had not meant any harm by it, she was merely observing, but it hurt all the same. We laugh about it now and unfortunately, add another 10 pounder to the mix, and I have been gifted with yet an even bigger behind than I had that day!

Nowadays Blogland has given us more to compare. Her blog is cuter than mine, she's a better writer than me, she takes better pictures than mine, I can't even get one comment and she has three hundred and twelve! Good Criminy! Why does it have to be so hard to just sit back and like ourselves? I look at women who have insightful things to say about politics and I think, "Man. I am so stupid! I have absolutely nothing to say about healthcare nor do I really have any interest in learning about it  at this time in my life (and really what would it change anyway?). She must be such an interesting, brilliant person, unlike me!" I look at the photographers I admire and I think, " I will never be that good! Why can't my photos look like that?" I read some blogs that are so articulate and make everything sound magical and poetic and I think of how clunky my posts must sound in comparison.

In my mind I know that I shouldn't compare. I am not that person and I know they have challenges and insecurities and trials just like me. So why do we do it? More importantly how do we stop? Do you really think we can, as women, stop comparing--or is it an unrealistic expectation? At this point in my life I think it may be impossible. What I would like to learn is how to stop my own negative internal dialogue and accept the fact that I am who I am and I am going to keep comparing myself, because it's just what I do. Instead of allowing those comparisons to negatively impact me I would like to learn how to turn them into positive motivations to better myself. Does that make sense? For instance, why can't I take that photography comparison that once made me feel discouraged and let it motivate me instead to study and practice and learn from that person. Instead of being jealous of someone else's writing style, why not enjoy it and use it as motivation to better my own? Sounds easier than it really is but I'm definitely going to work on it. Who knows, if I work on it hard enough maybe one day I'll be the one with the smaller backside!

One of the good days...

FYI-Lest you should get confused...The pictures with this post have absolutely nothing to do with the post itself, other than the fact that they are of The Pea. I just thought they were cute!

Tuesday was one of the good days. You know the ones? The days where you feel the magic of being a mom. Where for just a little while the laundry and dishes don't matter and the feel of your baby in your arms and the sunshine on your face stops time for a little while.

Wanting to be outside with the big kids on the trampoline...

It was a beautiful day, the sun shining and birds chirping. I took Em outside for some fresh air and playtime. We wandered around the cul-de-sac while she discovered bugs and rocks, all the while jabbering in her little toddler voice. She found a baby "roly-poly" bug as it mozied across the sidewalk. She watched it until it crawled down the other side of the curb into the rock garden below while she pointed enthusiastically and jabbered in her own little language, seemingly asking it to come back. We waved and told the bug "bye-bye" and went on our way. Ten feet later, after saying "bugs" repeatedly she had to turn around and go back to squat down and point some more at the spot where our insect friend had been seen last.

At last we continued our walk and a moment later she stopped me rather urgently in front of the neighbor's lawn, handing me her egg shaped purple sidewalk chalk that had hitched a ride in her little fist, and I drew a heart and a kitty because those are the shapes that always make her smile. Eventually we found our way back to our driveway and she ran across the grass to our neighbors gate, thinking it was ours, and I knew she wanted to go jump on the trampoline. I opened the gate and before she could get to the trampoline she had to climb the steps of our RV and go inside. We sat for a little while in the cool interior and she explored the beds and seats that smelled of past family camping trips. Soon enough she was ready to go! We re-entered the bright sunshine and she pointed to the trampoline while running on her little legs. I hoisted her up and one of her trademark grins lit her face. We bounced and bounced and she laughed and squealed.

Then I layed back, and she climbed onto my stomach, laying her head on my chest. Soon, in her little binkie hindered toddler voice, she started to sing "Tink-o...tink-o...tink-o..." I joined her and we sang "Twinkle Star" and "Itsy-bitsy Spider" over and over. If the neighbors heard me they probably thought I was crazy, singing to myself. By this time she had quieted to just humming and then silence. In that moment, with my baby girl on my chest, both of us bouncing softly with the sun warming us, I wanted time to stop. I complain. I whine. I get tired of it all. But I do realize that this time is fleeting. My last baby is growing and I can't stop her. Too soon the moment was gone. She needed some lunch and a nap. The day moved on with chores, making dinner, bath time etc. But that one moment has stayed with me since then. I need to record it forever somewhere in my mind and heart and I need to create more moments like it on a daily basis.

One more thing. As I was making dinner The Princess said, "Look at the sky Mom!" This is what I saw:

I love that my girl loves beautiful things like sunsets as much as I do. 

          Loves!
       

Much less muchy...

I saw the new "Alice and Wonderland" last week. Have you seen it? There's a part where the Mad Hatter tells Alice that she is the right Alice, she's just not as much 'Alice' as she used to be. "What is that supposed to mean?" she asks. "Just that you are much less muchy than you used to be," he answers. In that moment, in that theater, that resonated with me. I frequently feel like I am much less muchy than the "real" Misty (although The Hubster might tell you I'm a bit too much sometimes!:). I feel like there are so many things I used to be and so many things I want to be and the person I am now is just not enough. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't really recognize the person I see and I wonder how I became this person. I used to feel pretty and smart and fun. I used to have energy and enthusiasm. I used to be more creative and more motivated to accomplish things. Sometimes I feel like a lost cause. I want to change so many things about me and the way I do things and I get so overwhelmed and discouraged and I do nothing. I get so frustrated that things don't get done around here but I can't find the energy or uninterrupted time to get anything done. I know as mothers we all feel discouraged at times doing the same chores and saying the same things over and over but I've reached a whole new level of discouragement lately. I don't want to do any of it--ever again! How do you overcome that discouragement and be productive?  Some days I feel like if I have to do one more load of laundry, or one more batch of dishes, or read the same lift-the-flap book for the 10th time again, I am going to have a nervous breakdown!


I don't know if you noticed but The Pirate and The Pea are about 6 years apart. No The Pea was not an accident, and I've actually quite enjoyed the gap. The other two are such huge helpers with Em that it's made things so much easier this time around. The problem is I forgot how frustrating it is to get anything done or made or cleaned with a toddler around. For years I counted down the days until Thomas started school so that a) I didn't have to play Play-Doh anymore and b) I could get something done in a timely, efficient manner. I know I probably sound like a terrible mother but this is how I feel. It is so frustrating to clean up one mess while The Pea unloads a cupboard across the room ya know? There are so many projects I would like to get done but every time I try she "helps" and it's just more trouble than it's worth. I am a creative person by nature and I miss having the time/energy/freedom to do anything. So lately I find myself completely discouraged and unmotivated and I just don't get anything but the bare minimum done...it's sucking the life out of me! Every night I lay in bed and think of all the things I would like to change about me and how our household runs and how I spend my time with my kids and how I eat and how often I (don't) exercise and blah blah blah....and the next morning it's all the same. I used to have dreams too. I dreamed of owning my own photography, or wedding planning or gift basket business. I was a Home Stager for about a year. It was so fun! People listened to what I had to say and I used my talents in interior decorating and I got paid to shop! The people who bought one of the houses I had decorated liked it so much they actually paid for everything I had put in the house just so they could keep it the way it was! I know that motherhood and homemaking is so much more important than decorating homes but it sure felt good to know that what I had done was appreciated, admired, worth paying for, and stayed done for an extended period of time....and that I was actually doing something I loved.

I know I'm rambling and I probably sound whiny too. I don't mean to. I know how blessed I am to get to stay home each day to manage our home and raise my kids. I just frequently feel like I am in a position that I am extremely under-qualified for and am hopelessly screwing up! *dramatic sigh* Anyway, now that you have been thoroughly uplifted by todays post I will wrap things up with a promise to The Hubster that I will be here when he gets home tonight, and I will not beat the children in his absence, and I will not be curled up in a fetal position in the corner sucking my thumb and twitching when he gets here.


That's all I have to say about that!

When I grow up...

 
I read this blog all the time. I admire Shawni so much as a photographer, I aspire to be that good someday. But more than that, her love of homemaking and her zeal for motherhood make me want to be a better person. Ya know 'Joy School'? Her mom started that. Yeah. She has to be great right? She is. Then yesterday I read this post on CJane and thought about it all day. Why don't I find joy in being a homemaker? I want to. How does one change their attitude? I mean really change it. I don't just want to tolerate it. I want to find joy in it! 


I also watched Oprah the other day. Did you see it? The one where they took all of a family's techno gadgets for one week (even the microwave--HORROR!!!), then organized their home and had them really concentrate on connecting with each other. They had to eat more nutritionally, eat together, spend time together etc. No TV, no video games, no cell phones, nothin'. The parents talked about how they had come to let the TV entertain their 5 year old all of the time he was at home. The teenager talked of how he texted almost non-stop and the parents were always either on the internet or checking email. Sound familiar? I don't have a teenager and most nights we have dinner together, but the other stuff fits the bill. 


I remember this talk awhile back. I remember how it made me feel. I remember how it inspired me. Of course, I didn't change anything. But I came across it again the other day and I almost felt like I was being reminded that I was no better off as a mother today than I was the day I heard that talk, and I felt ashamed.  I have to admit, I kinda TV, video games, eating out, reading blog after blog about other people's lives that are always more interesting than mine.You know....the easy way.........  






I think that maybe easy isn't acceptable anymore.

But I'm keeping the microwave.