Yep, still here...

I've had a few people ask me about my lack of posts lately so I figured I would get on here and let you know that, yes, I am still alive. I've been in a bit of a funk I think. My sister left and I miss her something fierce! My kids have been sick off and on, especially Madison and we have been trying to get to the bottom of what is causing her ongoing stomach pain. T is getting baptized tomorrow and I have been running around crazy-style trying to get everything we need for that and the invitations made and printed, then emailed out but never mailed because well, things were crazy. In the middle of everything I hurt my already painful back and that has slowed me down and made things harder. My sweet mom has helped me out SO MUCH this past week starting at a moments notice when I called and asked her to come get Em out of her crib after nap time because I literally could not stand up! *sigh*


It's funny how when a few things are stressful in life, it makes everything take on a negative feeling. I am discouraged that my back is once again making every day life harder and slower. The house falls apart because the simplest chores are painful and then I start to think about how unorganized I am and feel like a failed homemaker. I get frustrated and sad when I cannot help my child who is crying in pain in the middle of the night with stomach pain. I start to wonder if it is because, well honestly, I have not been the most diligent mother when it comes to teaching my children about nutrition and I worry that due to my negligence her stomach is suffering because I feed her too much junk. Then the paranoid side of me kicks in and I worry that it is something really serious that I am missing. Either way, I feel that I am failing as a mother. The feeling intensifies when I cannot pick up Em when she is begging me, "Carry you! Carry you!" at the store because my back hurts so bad and when T brings home his report card and I see that he is struggling with math and I have a sneaking suspicion that it is because I am not usually on top of him when it comes to homework and frequently just ignore it with all of the rest of the chaos going on each day after school.

When it comes to T getting baptized I have tried really hard to make sure everything is ready, from making invites (but not mailing them-FAIL) to buying him new dress shirts and ties to buying him a gift and making sure that we have a picture of him for display on the special day. Of course, then the guilt sets in because when Madison got baptized I was REALLY pregnant and miserable with Em and a lot of things fell through the cracks. We bought her a beautiful white dress but I didn't make invites. I didn't get her a gift because my pregnant brain didn't think about it. I forgot the camera and so I had to rely on others for pics and I wish I had the ones that I can see in my mind now. I guess I just don't want her to think that she is/was any less special...

Matt is planning on going to his Dad's house all day after the baptism to watch the day's BYU and Jazz games and instead of being excited for him to have a much deserved break and some time with his Dad, I got irritated and jealous that he was leaving for so long and I let it show when I responded in frustration to his plans. I know that he works SO HARD for our family and he really enjoys this season of sports each year and he totally deserves a fun break. Why can't I just be a good wife and be happy that he has the opportunity to relax for a little while?!

Have I mentioned that I ate Ben and Jerry's...TWICE...this week? How's that diet going you ask? Yeah.

That brings us back to this here blog. Each day I think about writing something and cannot think of anything that would actually interest anyone. I want it to be fun and inspiring and instead I feel so unorganized and discouraged so I just don't write anything.

Whew. Anyway, that's where I've been. Now that I have vomited it all over the screen I'm sure that ya'll will think twice next time you think about asking why I haven't posted in a while!

PITY PARTY FOR ONE is now CLOSED!

Anybody got Valium?

When I was little, about 6 years old, I had a best friend named Carrie. We lived in the same apartment complex and were as bestie as two besties can be, we were never apart. We were also in the same school class. One day our teacher decided that we talked too much in class (yep, even then I talked to much). She moved Carrie across the room to another desk. I vividly remember that moment. It was complete heartbreak for me. I was painfully shy and didn't make friends easily and Carrie was like a security blanket I suppose...my "woobie" if you will. I remember laying my head down on my desk and sobbing. It was not a tantrum sob like you might expect from a 6 yr. old who had felt betrayed and wanted to vent her anger. It was a sob of complete devastation from a little heart that wondered how she would ever go on without her best friend right at her side. I remember feeling lonely and scared and sick. I honestly thought that it was the end of my little world. Now that I think back to it I realize that Carrie did not shed a single tear...hmmm....curious.

Anyway, I tell you this not because I wanted you to wander down memory lane with me to peek in at my most embarrassing moments, but because it is happening again and this time it hurts a thousand times worse. My bestest bestie in the whole wide world is being moving away from me and there's nothing I can do. But this time it's not just across the room. This time it is much farther away. My sister, my "woobie" is leaving  me. She is moving to Texas and I can't stop her and those horrible feelings are back again. Loneliness, fear and that pit in my stomach. I don't know who I am without her. I told Matt that I am actually one and a half people. There's the half that's just me, the half that he makes up and the half that is my sister. She is who I call when I need to vent. Her's is the house I show up at in my pajamas (that sometimes end up matching hers much to the Fedex man's delight!). She's my date on Girls' Night Out and my shopping buddy. She never judges me or criticizes and she steps in to rescue me when I am on the brink of insanity. She loves my kids like her own. She was the one who caught Emilia when she was born, then walked the ER halls with me (and Madison) 5 days later while I cried as my new baby girl was given a spinal tap and diagnosed with Meningitis. Yeah, I'm co-dependent and I'm not afraid to admit it...Matt even calls her my wife :) She's the one I would call if I had a dead body to get rid of...well maybe her and Matt since her and I really aren't that strong put together.

Sure there are phones, and planes and email but it's not the same. I know it sounds silly but I am afraid to be without her. I am afraid to have to go places alone. I am afraid to have nowhere to go in my pajamas.

*SIGH*

Yep. I'm co-dependent.

About that Valium...?