My Boy Got Baptized!

So a couple of Fridays ago I woke up to a sweet little face about 3 inches from mine asking, "Can you believe your baby boy is getting baptized tomorrow?!" It was my cute Thomas and he was beside himself with excitement over the fact that he would be baptized the next day. I had teased him a few weeks before, when he had turned 8, that I couldn't believe that my baby boy was growing up. It was too funny that he had actually remembered that!

The next day he literally jumped out of bed when I woke him up and said it was time to get ready. We ran around the house like crazy people (as usual) trying to get everyone ready on time. I made him pose for a few pics before we left.

We actually arrived at the Stake Center on time and Matt and T went to change into their very stylish jumpsuits. We had a lot of really wonderful family and friends who showed up to support T and it meant so much to us. Especially because my brother is living in India right now and my sister just moved so we were short by two families. It was really fun too to have so many of Thomas's good friends from our cul-de-sac there for him. We really are so blessed to have such a fabulous group of families with young kids around us! Even Nikki came from Idaho! T's best friend/cousin Jordan was brave enough to give a talk on Baptism and his Grandma Elaine was kind enough to give a talk on the Holy Ghost having been asked to do so by T a few weeks ago. Matt's talented sister Tara played the piano for us and my mom and I gave the opening and closing prayers at T's request.

One of the best parts of the event outside of the baptism itself was when Madison played a piano solo of "When I Am Baptized". She did so good! She has always hated performing and would have anxiety attacks when she was put on the spot. Now that she has gotten more confident in her piano playing it has given her more confidence all around and she was able to get up at that piano and play beautifully....I WAS SO PROUD!

Seeing T get baptized was so great! I always feel the spirit so strongly when I watch one of my kids willingly make the decision to do something they know is right. The Grandpas acted as witnesses to make sure all ten toes and every strawberry-blonde strand of hair stayed under the water. Matt confirmed him, giving him a beautiful blessing, and he was OFFICIAL!

After the baptism we went to Olive Garden with our families (except for Jordan's family because he had a big football game he had to play in...and he WON!!! Go Jordan!!!!). Thomas had been looking forward to lunch almost as much as the baptism itself! He loves their breadsticks and he is obsessed with their fries! That's right. French fries. At Olive Garden...don't ask. When we sat down at our table I put Emilia in the high chair which highly offended her! She spent the next 15 minutes looking down at her lap with a fat pouty lip but her pride wouldn't let her cry in front of all of those people...hilarious!

The day turned out really great and at the end of it all I was a little sad that it was all over. I missed our family members and friends who couldn't be with us but I was so thankful for those who could.

Well, another milestone's passed and before I know it my baby boy will be going on a mission. First we gotta get him to eat something other than chicken fingers and fries though or he's never gonna survive! One milestone at a time...

My Favorite Things...

Just for laughs...

Antidepressants and cold chocolate cake

Chilled Diet Coke and meals I didn't make

Big shiny gems on my cute silver rings

These are a few of my favorite things...

Cheese on my fries and a dark shade of red

Reading a book before going to bed

A really hot guy on the White Collar series

These are a few of my favorite things...

When the kids fight

And when Matt's right

I get really mad!

I'll simply remember my favorite things 

And then I won't feel...

So bad! 

P.S. I love you honey-not my favorite criminal...don't worry!

But ya gotta admit...he is kinda cute!





       

The Flu Strikes Again!

So I mentioned in my previous post of emotional vomit that my kids have been sick right? Well it gets better! On Saturday night Em woke up with a fever and when I took her to the InstaCare on Sunday morning, low and behold she had an ear infection...well of course she did! Then in the wee hours of Tuesday morning the flu bug that Madison has had hit ME! Yesterday was A.W.F.U.L. My wonderful mom came over and took care of Em for me and when she wasn't here helping, Matt and the older two picked up the slack. Today is better but I'm still not feeling great and I've got things to do! I don't have time for this! Honestly, I think that once us women receive "Mom Status" we should become immune to all illnesses!

P.S. Hopefully in the next few days I will get a real post up here for you! Until then enjoy this (with a tissue)...



The Gift Of An Ordinary Day from Katrina Kenison on Vimeo.









  

Yep, still here...

I've had a few people ask me about my lack of posts lately so I figured I would get on here and let you know that, yes, I am still alive. I've been in a bit of a funk I think. My sister left and I miss her something fierce! My kids have been sick off and on, especially Madison and we have been trying to get to the bottom of what is causing her ongoing stomach pain. T is getting baptized tomorrow and I have been running around crazy-style trying to get everything we need for that and the invitations made and printed, then emailed out but never mailed because well, things were crazy. In the middle of everything I hurt my already painful back and that has slowed me down and made things harder. My sweet mom has helped me out SO MUCH this past week starting at a moments notice when I called and asked her to come get Em out of her crib after nap time because I literally could not stand up! *sigh*


It's funny how when a few things are stressful in life, it makes everything take on a negative feeling. I am discouraged that my back is once again making every day life harder and slower. The house falls apart because the simplest chores are painful and then I start to think about how unorganized I am and feel like a failed homemaker. I get frustrated and sad when I cannot help my child who is crying in pain in the middle of the night with stomach pain. I start to wonder if it is because, well honestly, I have not been the most diligent mother when it comes to teaching my children about nutrition and I worry that due to my negligence her stomach is suffering because I feed her too much junk. Then the paranoid side of me kicks in and I worry that it is something really serious that I am missing. Either way, I feel that I am failing as a mother. The feeling intensifies when I cannot pick up Em when she is begging me, "Carry you! Carry you!" at the store because my back hurts so bad and when T brings home his report card and I see that he is struggling with math and I have a sneaking suspicion that it is because I am not usually on top of him when it comes to homework and frequently just ignore it with all of the rest of the chaos going on each day after school.

When it comes to T getting baptized I have tried really hard to make sure everything is ready, from making invites (but not mailing them-FAIL) to buying him new dress shirts and ties to buying him a gift and making sure that we have a picture of him for display on the special day. Of course, then the guilt sets in because when Madison got baptized I was REALLY pregnant and miserable with Em and a lot of things fell through the cracks. We bought her a beautiful white dress but I didn't make invites. I didn't get her a gift because my pregnant brain didn't think about it. I forgot the camera and so I had to rely on others for pics and I wish I had the ones that I can see in my mind now. I guess I just don't want her to think that she is/was any less special...

Matt is planning on going to his Dad's house all day after the baptism to watch the day's BYU and Jazz games and instead of being excited for him to have a much deserved break and some time with his Dad, I got irritated and jealous that he was leaving for so long and I let it show when I responded in frustration to his plans. I know that he works SO HARD for our family and he really enjoys this season of sports each year and he totally deserves a fun break. Why can't I just be a good wife and be happy that he has the opportunity to relax for a little while?!

Have I mentioned that I ate Ben and Jerry's...TWICE...this week? How's that diet going you ask? Yeah.

That brings us back to this here blog. Each day I think about writing something and cannot think of anything that would actually interest anyone. I want it to be fun and inspiring and instead I feel so unorganized and discouraged so I just don't write anything.

Whew. Anyway, that's where I've been. Now that I have vomited it all over the screen I'm sure that ya'll will think twice next time you think about asking why I haven't posted in a while!

PITY PARTY FOR ONE is now CLOSED!

Concentration...

 

Deck the Halls for Halloween...

So I have to admit that I'm not a real fan of Halloween itself. It's always kind of creeped me out a bit. But I do love decorating for Halloween! Every year I look forward to pulling out the skulls and potions and witch wear...the only thing I don't like is the fake spider web that must cover the whole thing! It's a pain in the neck to work with but in the end it makes all the difference!

Here's what you see when you walk in to our home:

Here's a few close ups:

And the Family Room:

There you have it! I'm happy with how it turned out and most importantly it makes me happy to look at each day. It's funny though how much I love my decorations now while knowing that I will be completely sick of them and just itching to move onto Christmas decorating by the time Halloween actually rolls around!

P.S. I joined this post up with Show and Share Day over at Just a Girl and the Halloween Mantle Linky Party over at A-Z Go check them out!



     

Making Ghosties...(a tutorial)

When I was in elementary school I remember making ghosts using cheesecloth and sugar water. I watched that little ghost yellow a little more each year until finally it found a new home in the city dump. This year I remembered my beloved ghostie and wanted to make one with my own kiddos. I found instructions for a version of them on the Family Fun website and was so excited! The other day we gathered everything we needed and went to town...

First we gathered aluminum foil, liquid starch, cheese cloth, various vases and bottles and a large bowl.

Next make balls of foil and attach them to the tops of the vases/bottles. They will form the heads and "hands" of the ghosts.

Cut cheesecloth into squares according to the size of ghosts you want...

Pour the starch into the bowl and soak the cheesecloth in the starch for a minute until fully saturated then wring out the cheesecloth...

then drape it over the foil topped containers in a ghostly shape...

Also, tuck some foil balls under the edges of the ghost to make it look "floaty" when it dries...

Take a break to play in starch and make funny faces...

Let ghosts dry for 4-5 hours (Family Fun said 24hrs. but we found that they were ready before that.)

And the big reveal (-drum roll please-)....

Ta-Da!

We still haven't decided whether to put faces on them or just leave them looking mysteriously faceless.

Well, there you have it! I love how they turned out and I hope that these ghosties will not yellow like my sugar water one did. If they do it's ok, this was easy enough to make every year!

  

     

Part 6...The End

I know that there are those parents of babies who have had major health issues and have had extended stays in the hospital who are probably annoyed that I had such a hard time with a 10-14 day NICU stay, but I'll admit, it was really tough for me. I had not expected this at all and to have her with me one minute and then back in the hospital the next was such a shock to me. I've never been good with change and this was not how I had planned it!

For the next week or so the doctors went back and forth on whether she would have to stay for the 10 day round of antibiotics or the 14 day round. We went back and forth to the hospital trying to balance time with Em as well as the other two at home. For my birthday on July 8th we went to dinner before the hospital and the whole time we were eating I just wanted to go hold my baby. That day they also told us that it was looking like 14 days would be what she stayed for...Happy Birthday to me. The EEG had come back normal and the cultures had not grown out at all but the 3 other spinal taps that had been done (under sedation thank goodness) showed steady improvement in the quality of her spinal fluid. Still, it was frustrating to think that maybe it was not Meningitis after all and that her fluid had just been colored from the brain bleed, which had not caused any problems and would heal itself without intervention. At one point we had talked to our Pediatrician, whom we love so much and consider a good friend, and she also told us that if it was her child she would have done the same thing. Why couldn't we just get a straight answer from the NICU docs as to how they were so confident that it had really been Meningitis?!

Every time I kissed Em, put her back in that little hospital crib and walked away I cried. I knew she was in good hands and I knew that compared to the other babies in her NICU room she was the healthiest and I was so thankful for that. But it had taken me so long to actually decide to have another baby and I had been so excited for so long to meet her and the kids were so  in love with her that to have her gone after being home for such a short time was really hard on our family. When I was home it felt like she didn't really exist and when I was with her I didn't want to let her go. There were moments when I was completely consumed with the need to hold her and she wasn't there. When I was with her I would rock her and look at her IV's and monitors and get frustrated that I couldn't just hold her or change her diaper without having to untangle her before and after. I would watch her sats religiously while I held her, tracking her heart beat and oxygen and learned which alarms were ok and which ones weren't. It seemed like I would always arrive just after they had bathed her and that would make me sad. Feeding her while I was there was always so exciting because it made me feel like I could finally do something for her. I would hold her and cry because I was so afraid that she wouldn't feel loved or bond with me like she needed too. Even then I knew logically that those were irrational fears but they were fears all the same.

The kids came up to visit her once during her stay and loved the Kids' Room where there were crafts and video games to entertain them while they took turns going to the NICU with Matt or I. They learned how to "scrub in" and how to be careful of tubes and wires while holding her. They loved the nurses and Madison even got to pick out clean bedding and make and decorate a name card for Em's bed. They thought it was exciting to eat in the cafeteria and took full advantage of being able to choose interesting combinations of food for dinner.

We had to learn infant CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver on a fake baby before they would let us take home the real thing. When Matt joked that he figured it would be more efficient to use his foot to pump the babies chest while doing CPR the nurse was not amused and I figured they may keep her for a while after that just to teach us a lesson!  She also had to pass a carseat test that proved she would not quit breathing on the way home.

In the end she stayed for 10 days, not 14. I about threw a party when they called and said to bring the carseat when we came because she would be going home the next day instead of 4 days after that! Taking off the monitors and putting her in her little pink jammies with guitars and music notes on that Madison had picked out while I was pregnant was so fun. Saying goodbye and walking out of those NICU doors with my baby was like a dream. They told us to keep her away from too many public places and too many people for the next few months and then we were free! The last doctor that we talked to, the one who discharged her, really sat down with us and let us ask question after question without being condescending or rushed. She was wonderful. She was the one that finally told us that Em's chart had showed that her protein and sugar levels in her spinal fluid along with the color and white blood cells are what made a strong case that Meningitis was present. Nobody else had told us that....for 10 days!

I remember thinking to myself, while Em was in the hospital and I ached to hold her, that I would not take her for granted when she came home. I promised myself that I would enjoy every minute with her. I think I made pretty good on that promise, well until she turned two I guess! It's hard to remember on the hard days how much I just wanted her here whether she was difficult or not! But bad days or no I am so very thankful that she is here, that we didn't wake up to find that she had passed away without any warning. My heart hurts just thinking of that possibility! We will never really know if she had Meningitis since the bacteria never grew. She still twitched occasionally after we brought her home and even Matt finally got to see it one day and admitted that it was a bit worrisome. Thankfully she has no side effects from her ordeal. Blindness, deafness and mental retardation can all be caused by meningitis. She was a bit behind with her motor skills and had some sensory issues when she was about a year old (which are also frequently found in kids who have had Meningitis at some point in their early lives)  but with therapy those things resolved and she is now actually ahead of the curve for her age.  She knows her shapes, can count to 20, recognizes numbers 1-9 and is learning her colors. Of course, I'm pretty sure that she has learned all of these skills from Dora, Elmo and my Iphone apps but hey, I'll take it!

I'll confess, I still wonder sometimes if it was all for nothing. It was really tough to feel so alone with such a wedge between Matt and I, it was horrible to watch her suffer and well, we'll be paying the medical bills from those 10 days until she is in Kindergarten! But when I think of what life might have been like without her here it makes every penny we will shell out worth it.



P.S. Thanks for coming along for the ride...




 

Part 5...10-14 Days

*I'm sure by now you are all wondering when/if this story will ever end. I'm sorry if my blog has become a bit boring as I reminisce and I promise that I will finish up soon. If you are not really interested in the rest of the story I won't mind if you dump me until next week when my regular blogging will resume. Thank you for your patience...*

The next morning I was woken up by Em's NICU nurse shortly before my phone alarm was set to go off. She had an update for me. I could feel how swollen my eyes were from crying and lack of sleep and hoped that I didn't look as bad as I thought I might. The nurse explained that Em was doing well and that they had started her on the IV antibiotics she would need for the meningitis. She told me that she no longer had a fever and was in fact having a hard time keeping her own body temperature up so they were going to keep her under a warmer until she overcame that obstacle. They had also put her on just a little oxygen as her sats kept going down. They were going to be doing an EEG later in the day to look for signs of seizure activity and the Neurologist was going to be coming by that morning to evaluate her. She mentioned that one of the other nurses had mentioned around 7:00 that morning that they were surprised that I hadn't come to check on my baby yet and she had informed them that I had not gotten to bed until 5:30am and needed some sleep. Man I was grateful!

After she left I went into the bathroom to inspect my appearance and oh boy...scary! My eyes were so swollen and my skin was blotchy. My hair was a mess and if I am really honest, I really needed a shower! I went out to the room's fridge and pulled out a couple of cold juice cans and laid down with them on my eyes. I sat there for a while and then called Matt to let him know that we were in the NICU and that I needed some toiletries brought up before I could, in good conscience, face the outside world.

When Matt arrived I gave myself a sponge-bath of sorts in the bathroom, requested a couple of rubber bands from the receptionist which enabled me to make pigtails out of my disheveled hair (luckily I had also worn a hat the night before so that went back on too) and I brushed my teeth. It's amazing how just doing a few simple things makes a person feel a little more centered in a stressful situation.

When we were ready to go see Em we were instructed as to how to properly "scrub in" for the NICU and then we were taken back to her little heated crib still in the quarantine area. She was about the same as she had been when I had kissed her goodnight in the early morning hours and it was wonderful just to touch her little toes again. Shortly after we made it to her bedside the neurologist came in along with a social worker. The social worker sat down by me and informed me that she was there in case I needed to talk about the situation with her. She told me that she had been informed that I was having a really rough time with all that had happened and wanted to know why I felt I was having such a hard time with it. I told her that I was ok, just worried about my baby, and of course....I started to cry. What I really wanted to tell her was that of course I was having a "rough time"! I was worried about Em, I felt terrible about all she had been through and  I felt completely alone in the situation and to top it all off I was post-prego hormonal!

Anyhoo, the Neuro came in and examined Em and a very strange thing happened. Every time she would stroke the right side of Em's head her whole body would twitch. The Dr. said it wasn't normal but that she couldn't explain it. She said to go ahead with the EEG and that this new twitching could be from the meningitis as well because the infection could be irritating her nervous system making her extremely sensitive to touch. She told us that Em would be in the NICU for the next 10-14 days on antibiotics. What?! We thought they would give her a prescription and send us home later in the day. Matt questioned the Dr. again as to why she even needed to be there if her cultures had not grown out at all. The Neuro was rather condescending to Matt and essentially gave him an "I'm the doctor so don't question me..."  kind of answer which didn't make matters any better for Matt. The nurses all assured us that she wouldn't be going anywhere for a while and that I should go home and get some sleep. We left the hospital with Matt more frustrated than the night before and me walking away from my baby with more tears running down my cheeks.

Driving home was one of those experiences where you try your hardest to stay awake and wonder how you got there when you pull into the garage. When I got home I took a much needed shower and fell into a much needed sleep. When I woke up a few hours later it occurred to me that it was July 4th. The other two kids had been at my SIL's house (bless her!!!) since that morning and I knew that they would come home excited for fireworks. I knew that we would have our annual cul-de-sac 4th of July party and everyone would be eager to see the baby...who wouldn't be there. There would be questions and I would have to answer them, hopefully without crying, while all I wanted to do was show off my beautiful new baby. The night was better than I thought it would be and we actually didn't end up going back up to the hospital that day and just enjoyed the holiday festivities with the older two while knowing that our baby was in good hands. It was hard on Madison not having Em around since she was already completely in love with her and had waited so eagerly for her arrival. Obviously nothing had gone quite the way she had imagined it would since the minute her new sister had been born!

Oh and P.S. - How cute is my sweet daughter for highjacking my blog to tell me that she loves me?! I love you too sweetie!

He He

So mom you are pretty darn awesome and so i thought i would hack into your blog and do a post about how awesome you are. (I got the idea from 'The power of kids') So my mom here is awesome. love you mommy!

Part 4...The NICU

After Matt left I sat for quite a while wondering if Em and I had been forgotten about. A nurse came in to take Em's temperature and found that she had developed a slight fever. She left and we waited some more, me trying not to fall asleep on the chair and Em sleeping in her car seat hooked to her stroller with an oxygen mask lying on her chest to give her just a bit of extra help and an IV pole off to her side. After a while another doctor came in to make sure that I had received Em's test results and see if I had any questions. We talked for a minute and I started crying and she asked me if I was ok. I told her that I was just still unsure as to whether I had done the right thing bringing Em in and making her go through all of this. I explained that Matt was NOT happy with the situation and didn't think that she needed to be there and I just felt like I had let my baby and my husband down. She was so sweet. She sat down next to me and put her arm around me and told me that I had done the right thing. She told me that in newborns this young that sometimes the first indication that anything was wrong was finding them dead in their crib. I wish it had put my worries that I had brought her there for nothing to rest but it didn't. It was nice to hear her say that I had done the right thing though.

Finally, around 4:00am a nurse came in and told me that they were sorry that I had had to wait so long, that there had been a few traumas in a row that had come in but now that things had died down they were ready to admit Em to the NICU. I hadn't realized that she was sick enough for the NICU so this just worried me more. The nurse told me that hospital policy states that all patients have to be transported on a bed so I took Em out of her seat and placed her on the gurney as another nurse came in and strapped her to the bed. She looked so tiny on that big rolling bed! I followed behind with the stroller as the nurses pushed the bed through the halls, into then out of the elevator, and through the NICU doors. As we entered the NICU area I was told that I would have to wait for them to register her into their system and give her an initial exam before I could be with her. I took a seat on a wooden bench and watched them roll her away and out of my sight.

It was so quiet there in the hall. I looked around at the pictures on the walls, they were of the babies who had come and go from the NICU. The bench I sat on wore a plaque stating that it had been donated by a family in memory of their little girl. As I sat watching the seconds tick by on a clock and wondering what was happening with Em I saw one of the nurses that had wheeled her up there come out of the exam rooms and start talking to the NICU receptionist. I heard him tell her that one of the traumas that had come into the ER that night was a 4-year old boy that had been hit by a car and bled out. There was nothing they could do for him. I remember in that moment feeling such gratitude that my baby was alive and such sorrow for that little boy's parents. Someone had lost their child that night while I sat just doors away from them wondering what was taking so long. It was heartbreaking.

Soon enough the NICU nurse came to get me and took me back to Em's bed. She explained that Em would be in that bed for 24 hrs as a sort of quarantine and then she would be moved to a proper NICU bed in a room with 5 other babies. I looked at her laying there in just her diaper with tubes and monitors and oxygen and I thought of how sick she was and how much she had been through and how mad Matt was at me and I remember feeling so lonely and so exhausted. I held her little hand and let the tears flow. They assured me that at this point she was very stable and that I should get some rest. The clock now read 5:30am. They showed me to a Family Room where families would stay with their special needs babies to practice taking care of them before they were allowed to go home. It had a pull out couch, a TV, a small fridge and a bathroom. The sweet nurse made up the bed for me and told me that Em was in good hands and not to worry about her.

Here's where it get's kinda funny (and a little embarrassing but it's part of the story so...). Remember, I had thought that we would be going back home that night and had only packed a small diaper bag for Em and nothing for myself. I was still, ahem, bleeding at this point from giving birth and my milk was coming in and was getting to the leaky painful stage. I had no feminine products or breast pads. I rifled through the diaper bag and came up with nothin' in the way of back up so I did the only thing I could think of, I used one of Em's little diapers as a pad and then folded up some paper towels to use as breast pads. Even I laughed about that!

After that was all taken care of and I had prayed for my baby girl I crawled into bed and the tears started again. By this point I was surprised that I had any tears left! I set my phone alarm for 3 hours from then and cried myself to sleep...





  

Part 3...Meningitis

**Disclaimer: The following section of the story is very honest. It does not paint a very pretty picture of my sweet husband and I during a stressful situation. Before I decided how honest I would be I talked to Matt and asked his opinion. He told me to write it how it happened and I have. It's actually quite therapeutic for me to write about this I've decided and I am thankful that I have a husband that is ok with me writing our "true story" so that one day we'll remember the good and the bad and our kids will see that we made it through it all!** 


*Oh and the computer tantrum continues so I'm not sure if there will be pictures for the rest of the story...dangit!*


The chocolate cake was gone, the tears had subsided for a minute and it was time to go back to the ER waiting room to see how my baby girl had faired. It was about that time that Matt called. He had finally gotten into his truck and had driven down the canyon and had seen my repeated attempts to call him. "What's up?" He questioned? I told him where we were and what had transpired to far. I told him that the first round of tests had come back normal and that she had then needed a CT scan and a spinal tap. He was shocked that so much had happened in his absence. He had left that morning with Thomas thinking that all was well. That his new baby girl was pretty darn healthy and now she was in the ER having painful tests. He was not happy that I had let them do the spinal tap but I told him that I could not get a hold of him before they did it and that I had just wanted what was best for her. He hadn't really seen one of her "twitchy" episodes and he was mad because he felt like I had waited until he left and then conspired with my sister (have I mentioned we're co-dependent?) and our paranoia had fed off of each others' until we decided that something must be wrong. I tried to assure him that Amber had had nothing to do with the situation and that I had brought Em to the hospital under the pediatrician's direction. He was still mad. He said he would be up as soon as he found somewhere for T to go and could find a neighbor to come up and help give Em a blessing. I hung up the phone and the tears started all over again. Now my baby was sick, I had put her through a very painful test that I wasn't sure she needed and my husband was mad at me....good times.

At this point it was about 10:30 at night and we had arrived around 8. Madison, my sis and I sat down in the waiting room and shortly thereafter a nurse came out to talk to us about how the test had gone. I bawled while he told me that she had done well in the CT scan and that although she was not happy during the spinal tap, she was calm now and I could go back to see her. When I got back to the room, there she was wrapped in a blanket with red puffy eyes and splotchy skin that I knew had been caused by heavy crying. I picked her up and rocked her and I cried some more. Us girls sat and waited for Matt and the test results, with me not sure of which one I hoped would arrive first. Turns out it was Matt.

Matt walked in with our neighbor and good friend Sam and told me that another neighbor had let T stay with them (thank heavens for neighbors). The guys sat and visited for awhile and then anointed and blessed Em that she would heal completely from whatever infection she had and that she would be comforted through the procedures she was going through. Then we all waited.....and waited....and waited....

Around midnight Sam offered to take Madison and Amber home for us since they were getting tired and I was left with my unhappy husband to await the test results that still hadn't come (why do things in ER's take so blasted long?!). At some point they moved us to another room so that they could have the resuscitation room for a trauma that was coming in and again we waited.

After a while a doctor came in with the results which showed that Em had a small brain bleed which he said could have just been from delivery and that her spinal fluid had been a dark cloudy yellowish brown color instead of being clear as it should be. He said that her spinal fluid had a higher level of white blood cells than it should (normal being none) and that indicated an infection also. He told us that at this point they were pretty sure that she had meningitis and that she was a very sick little girl. I, of course, started crying again. He told us that they would start her on medicine as a precaution and then wait for her samples to grow out in the lab. The catch was that in babies that small much of the time their samples didn't grow out, even when they were positive for meningitis, because they could only take a very small amount of spinal fluid. Whether it grew out or not they would treat her as if she had tested positive because babies who do have meningitis, especially at such a young age, could go downhill fast. Matt wasn't happy about her being there without a sure answer that she did indeed have meningitis and when the doctor left the room I knew that Matt was not happy. He still didn't think she seemed sick enough to be there and was still feeling like I had gone behind his back.

Before the doctor left he had told us that someone else would come in to admit her and that she would then be transferred to a more permanent room. After waiting forever AGAIN Matt asked if he should stay or go get the other two. At this point it was around 2:00am I was exhausted (I had just given birth like 6 days ago for crying out loud!) and I was pretty peeved at his lack of support and I told him that quite frankly I didn't want him there anymore and to just leave...and he did.

Part 2...The Spinal Tap

I have no pictures to put with this post because I can't get to them off of my other computer right now. It is throwing a tantrum...

So we got to the ER and checked in. They took all of her vitals and sent us back to a room (which since then I have learned was a resuscitation room for the most critically ill patients and apparently they don't put you in that room unless they are really worried. I'm glad I didn't know that back then...). When the doctor came in they started examining her and took some blood samples. They told me that her coloring was redder than it should be and that she was more floppy than she should be (she didn't pull her legs and arms up like most newborns do, instead preferring to lay with her legs and arms relaxed and straight. I just figured she was a really "chill" kind of baby!) They also told me that she was dehydrated and would need some fluids. They told me that they had put a rush on the blood samples and would know shortly if her levels were off (sugar, potassium, sodium). Again I didn't worry too much, thinking that all would be well with some fluids and possibly a glucose drip and Madison and my sis and I visited and waited.

By this time I had tried repeatedly, starting when we left the house, to try to get a hold of Matt to let him know what was going on but he was somewhere in the mountains and out of range.

A short time later the doctor came back in saying that her levels all looked good except that she was indeed dehydrated. Then he proceeded to tell me that with newborns they never stop at the first round of tests when possible seizures are present. He told me that after the basic level checks they move onto trying to find an infection in the brain or spinal fluid which meant doing a head CT and a Spinal Tap. This is where the worry started to set in and my calmness began to crumble. I was perfectly ok with them taking a little blood or putting my 5 day old baby in a machine to get a picture of her brain but sticking a rather large needle into her spinal column was an entirely different story! I asked them the pros and cons. Could she be paralyzed? The chances were incredibly low. Would it cause a spinal headache? Again, very unlikely. What if I choose not to and there is something wrong? Was there another way to find out? Not if it was an infection in her cerebral fluid and if there was one and we didn't catch it the results could be severe brain damage and, in an infant that young, a rapid death. Would it be painful for her? Unfortunately, most likely. Because they were trying to find this mystery infection before it had a chance to harm her they couldn't wait for her to be sedated. Are.You.Kidding.Me. I thought we were coming for a little sugar water! I tried to call Matt one more time before giving them the go ahead......no answer. I remember looking down at Em wrapped in her blanket in nothing but a diaper and feeling like I had failed her somehow. She was 5 days old! She was supposed to come into this world and be loved and cuddled not poked with needles in her tiny little back! And what if it was all for nothing?! What if they stuck that needle in and everything was fine and I had put her through that for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?! I had heard how painful lumbar punctures could be and the thought of doing that to my brand spankin' new baby was horrible! I asked them if I could stay with her while they did it and they told me that they didn't recommend it. They told me that it would be hard to watch and that they would let me stay but would rather I leave and come back in 20 minutes after both the CT scan and the Spinal Tap were done.

I have to say that laying her back on that ER bed, kissing her little head and walking away was probably the hardest thing I have had to do. I don't know how parents do it who have to leave their children while they undergo major surgeries or medical treatments. I pray I never have to find out!

So I left the room and the tears started. I tried so hard not to show Madison how worried I was because I didn't want her to worry but the spinal was my limit! Madison and Amber and I walked to the cafeteria and tried to drown my sorrows in chocolate cake while I counted the minutes as they ticked by. Now, you have to remember that I had just given birth less than a week ago and my hormones were NUTS so that didn't help matters either. I would just get control and stop crying and then 30 seconds later I would start again. I could not stop thinking about my tiny girl being folded into a ball while they put that needle in her back. Was she hurting? Was she scared? Why the heck was 20 minutes taking SO LONG?





 

A Trip Down Memory Lane...

Since I mentioned our Meningitis episode with Emilia in my last post I have been thinking a lot about it and "what if" we hadn't have caught it. I know it happened 2 years ago but this blog didn't exist 2 years ago so I figured I'd write about it now so that it's recorded for the future. It's a long story so I'll break it up into a few posts and I'll understand if you don't read all of it...

Back then Emilia was a little (a 10 lb. 5 oz. "little") newborn. She was a month early and when she was born she had a really hard time coming around. Her shoulders had gotten stuck on the way out and when she came out she didn't cry. She didn't really move. She was really floppy and I think back and realize that I was not as worried about her as I should have been, after all her first Apgar score was a 2 out of 10. I suppose I took for granted that my other two had been healthy so she would be too. What if she hadn't come around? I remember the nurse not wanting Madison to see her at first, just in case..., while they tried to get her going and then only getting to hold her for about 5 minutes with oxygen near her nose before they whisked her away. I remember seeing her hooked up to oxygen and IV's and monitors and them telling me that she had been stuck 4 times to place the IV line and she still hadn't cried and that worried me.

Over the next 3 days she steadily improved, coming off of the oxygen and the glucose drip, and I finally heard her cry. It was hardest to watch Madison because she had been so excited for this baby and had wanted to be the first to hold her and then never got to on the day she was born. Then she wasn't allowed in the nursery because she was too young. I remember being in the nursery and holding Em up for the kids to see through the window and turning to see tears rolling down Madison's little face as she looked at this baby that she already loved so much and had been dreaming of holding for so long. One of the nurses saw me start to cry and asked how old Madison was. I told her she was eight and she said, "Hurry! Let's sneak her in for a quick second!" I will never forget the sweet look on Madison's face as she held her baby sister for all of about a minute.

A day later we brought our baby girl home and she was held non-stop. Then I started to notice something, something that I had never seen my other two babies do. Emilia twitched...a lot. It wasn't a "startle" like all babies do. She would be sleeping in her car seat and her arm would twitch repeatedly for a minute or so. I would be holding her and her arm and leg would twitch so I'd hold her a little tighter to try to get it to stop, and it wouldn't. The problem was, I was the only one who had seen it. Then, the third day we were home, Matt had taken T four-wheeling and Madison and I were watching TV on my bed with Emilia on the boppy in front of us and she started twitching again. Her little arm started jerking over and over, the longest yet, and I decided that it was time to call the doctor (I have since then looked up videos of newborn seizures found this on Youtube which is exactly what Em was doing.). I called the Pediatrician and she told me that she thought it might be from low blood sugar since she was such a big baby and that I needed to go to Primary Children's to get her sugar, potassium and sodium levels checked. I left the house with Madison and the baby in tow accompanied by my sister (who had already been on her way over to hang out) and we headed to the Children's Hospital fully expecting to be back in a few hours after some tests and maybe a little glucose...

Anybody got Valium?

When I was little, about 6 years old, I had a best friend named Carrie. We lived in the same apartment complex and were as bestie as two besties can be, we were never apart. We were also in the same school class. One day our teacher decided that we talked too much in class (yep, even then I talked to much). She moved Carrie across the room to another desk. I vividly remember that moment. It was complete heartbreak for me. I was painfully shy and didn't make friends easily and Carrie was like a security blanket I suppose...my "woobie" if you will. I remember laying my head down on my desk and sobbing. It was not a tantrum sob like you might expect from a 6 yr. old who had felt betrayed and wanted to vent her anger. It was a sob of complete devastation from a little heart that wondered how she would ever go on without her best friend right at her side. I remember feeling lonely and scared and sick. I honestly thought that it was the end of my little world. Now that I think back to it I realize that Carrie did not shed a single tear...hmmm....curious.

Anyway, I tell you this not because I wanted you to wander down memory lane with me to peek in at my most embarrassing moments, but because it is happening again and this time it hurts a thousand times worse. My bestest bestie in the whole wide world is being moving away from me and there's nothing I can do. But this time it's not just across the room. This time it is much farther away. My sister, my "woobie" is leaving  me. She is moving to Texas and I can't stop her and those horrible feelings are back again. Loneliness, fear and that pit in my stomach. I don't know who I am without her. I told Matt that I am actually one and a half people. There's the half that's just me, the half that he makes up and the half that is my sister. She is who I call when I need to vent. Her's is the house I show up at in my pajamas (that sometimes end up matching hers much to the Fedex man's delight!). She's my date on Girls' Night Out and my shopping buddy. She never judges me or criticizes and she steps in to rescue me when I am on the brink of insanity. She loves my kids like her own. She was the one who caught Emilia when she was born, then walked the ER halls with me (and Madison) 5 days later while I cried as my new baby girl was given a spinal tap and diagnosed with Meningitis. Yeah, I'm co-dependent and I'm not afraid to admit it...Matt even calls her my wife :) She's the one I would call if I had a dead body to get rid of...well maybe her and Matt since her and I really aren't that strong put together.

Sure there are phones, and planes and email but it's not the same. I know it sounds silly but I am afraid to be without her. I am afraid to have to go places alone. I am afraid to have nowhere to go in my pajamas.

*SIGH*

Yep. I'm co-dependent.

About that Valium...?


 
  

Wheelchairs and Room Service...

The past two weeks have been full of viruses for our poor kids. Last week Thomas had the flu. It started two Sundays ago and went until the next Friday. It was strange. He would throw up at night along with having other...ahem...issues...and then the next day be fine. It went on like that until Thursday when I really started to worry that something more may be wrong when his stomach got very bloated looking and he was complaining that it was painful to stand or even sit up and the vomiting worsened. I could literally see in his face how much pain he was in and he fell asleep and was really hard to wake up. I had to carry him down the stairs and into the car which was no easy feat! Luckily Matt got home just as we were leaving and T and I headed to the pediatrician. He was miserable on the way there, getting sick twice, and couldn't even walk into the office on his own. The doctor poked and prodded and asked questions and told me that she suspected appendicitis or a bowel blockage and wanted me to take him to the ER at the Children's Hospital for x-rays and fluids as he was also somewhat dehydrated. So we made the almost 30 minute drive with poor T getting sick again in the backseat and I got him a wheelchair when we got to the ER entrance (by that point my back just could not carry him anymore!).

All of the pics were taken on my phone...not the best. Sorry!

Well let me tell you, the minute his backside hit that wheelchair he perked up almost instantly. We checked in and were told to wait and wait we did. Eventually we were put in an exam room....to wait some more. By this time Matt had arrived thanks to our amazing neighbors that came to hang out with the girls. The worst part about it was that we had had the carpets and couches cleaned that day so there was ONE couch they could sit on while they were there! Luckily Em was in bed by this time and Madison went to bed shortly after...but still!

Anyway, back at the hospital we waited....and waited...and waited. Finally the doctor came in and there was Thomas attempting wheelies in his new toy and scooting around the room. He had also made himself at home on the bed while watching a movie on the bed. The doctors poked around his stomach, asked us questions and declared that they suspected that it was a bad case of the flu...UM WHAT?! They let him have some water and crackers and an orange Popsicle and told us to walk around and see if it would induce pain at all. We walked laps and nothing happened. When we returned they had him pee in a cup and then we waited...and waited...and waited for those results which turned out to show that he was a little dehydrated (seriously? SERIOUSLY?!) but they didn't give him fluids and there was no infection. So we spent 5 hours (we got there at 8:30pm and got home around 1:30am) at the hospital all to find out that Thomas had the flu and there was nothing they could do! Oy vey! Not that I wanted him to have something seriously wrong like appendicitis but how frustrating! As we were walking out of the hospital he said to me, "Mom, that was the best day of my life!" He was asleep not even 5 minutes into the drive home. The next day he bragged to everybody about having his own wheelchair and being brought any kind of snack he wanted while watching a movie in bed!

Well, now Thomas has made a full recovery and misses his beloved wheelchair tremendously. He's asked if we can get him one for his birthday....ummmm no. Now that he is well of course someone else has to get sick and it happens to be Em with chronic diarrhea (for about a month now...I know, I know. I was waiting for her two yr. check up next week and trying to cure it myself!) and a yeast rash on her girlie parts (that only started a couple of days ago...) I know, too much information. 

Kids! Guess if it's not one of em' it's the other!  

       

Penny for your....stuff?

About a month ago Madison held a yard sale out front. She is always wanting to buy things and forever being told, "well earn some money!" so she decided to do just that! She went through her own stuff and then asked Grandma (my mom) if she had anything she might want to contribute. Of course Grandma came through for her (she always does!) and Madison sorted and priced things in preparation of the big sale.

Pardon the graininess of these first two pics-I forgot to check my camera settings...again!

The poor girl had things all ready to go for about a month and a half before the actual sale. Matt and I just couldn't seem to find a weekend that was free of other events so that she could do it. Finally, the day before we actually held it, Matt said, "Let's just do it tomorrow. Just get it over and stop postponing it." So we did. Bless her little entrepreneurial heart! We found a few things in the basement to add to the stash and set it out on tables and told her that it was her idea and she would be in charge of taking money from people and negotiating with them.

She was awesome! She is so shy sometimes but she stepped up to the plate and did what she had to do! At the last minute Thomas decided that he wanted to join in and she was kind enough to let him. They were so cute out there waiting for customers. Every time someone would drive by Thomas would stand up, a bear in each hand, and start yelling, "Bears for sale! Come buy a bear!" and our little neighbor girls would start jumping up and down and waving their arms.

The kids' friends all had to come check out the loot and even Em decided to "shop", bringing her prized findings up to the porch for Matt and I to "ooh and ahh" over.

She spent most of the sale's business hours in the bike trailer and when that sold she moved onto the bench. She single handedly took on the official role of "greeter" by yelling and waving "Hello" and "Good-Bye" from her perch with a hearty "Thanks for comin'!" as people would drive away...so cute!

In the end the kids made a pretty good amount, T about $30 and M about $55 (Bonus! Matt and I made a little too!), and more than that the kids were so proud to have really earned that money on their own! I have to say Matt and I aren't usually ones to hold yard sales. Since we are blessed to be able to afford to shop at other places we usually we try to donate our really nice but unused items to the DI so that people who really have to shop there have nice things to choose from. But this once we decided to let a yard sale take place in our yard and I am so glad we did. It was a fun memory for us as parents and a great learning experience for our kids!

Dinnertime with Dora...

You are all well aware of my struggles at dinnertime as I try to make dinner for our family while being hung on, chased and whined at by our lovely little toddler. It has gotten to the point that I just don't make dinner a lot of nights because I just don't have it in me anymore to go the rounds with her. We are spending WAY TOO MUCH money on eating out! I have been trying to come up with some ideas on how I could entertain her and thus maintain my sanity while I make dinner. The other day I came across a little Dora Play-Doh kit at Target and thought it might buy me some time when I need a few peaceful minutes.

Can I just say hooray for Dora?! It is a darn good thing that freakishly large headed little girl's neglectful parents let her go roaming in the jungles with only the supervision of a squeaky little primate because that's what put her on the map, therefore landing her on my table to buy me a few minutes of much needed sanity!  I have tried to only bring out the Play-Doh when I need the munchkin occupied so I can get things done and so far it is working. Now the question is what else can I get to have in reserve for when she loses interest in her Nickelodeon playmates?

Any ideas?  


            

I'm Tired...

Today's one of those days. You know the ones. Where you feel worn out, discouraged, unmotivated? I feel like I am always 2 (or 27) steps behind where I should be as a mother, a wife, a homemaker. I feel like our family has little direction as far as goals and routines and traditions. I feel like my life is a never ending cycle of laundry and dishes etc...and complaining that I get no help with any of it.

My kids (and Matt and I at times too) watch too much TV and eat too much junk food and don't get enough exercise or do enough work or constructive activities. It's hard to balance the letting them just be kids part with the learning and teaching them to work part, ya know? I want them to better recognize their talents and do more things to refine them and serve others with them (and I want to work on mine too!). I want them to know how to clean the bathroom right the first time...and do it!

I've kind of lost enthusiasm for the spiritual side of things in the last year or so also, and have not attended church as often as I should. I have let my habits of regular prayer and scripture study go and have therefore not encouraged my children as I should to pursue their own habits in these areas. It's not that I don't believe in my religion anymore, it's just that I have become well, to be honest, lazy.

So how does one change all this? How do I change not only myself, but help guide my entire family towards growth? I don't like change you know. I like to stay right where I am, where it's comfortable, and I think my kids have inherited that from me. On the other hand, Matt is very goal oriented and it probably drives him crazy that I lack ambition and stick-to-it-ivness (yep, I made that one up). The problem is, he is rarely home during the week and therefore I am the one that has to find the drive to enforce any knew routines, habits, or projects that need to happen in order to get our family where I would like us to be. *sigh*




But I am tired.


And change is hard.

Lagoon....So many pictures!

So we hitched up our camping trailer and headed to Lagoon! We decided we would stay the night there in the camping area so that we wouldn't have to drive back that night exhausted and so we could save money on food by coming back to the trailer for meals. The kids of course asked every few minutes how close we were and the anticipation nearly killed them while we parked and leveled out the trailer before heading into the park.

We headed in and the hot, exhausting, but fun day began. Matt went with the big kids and I headed towards the "kiddie rides" with Em. It was fun this year because she was old enough to really get into the rides and tall enough to even ride some of the bigger ones (The Tidal Wave!). Most of the time she was on the rides was spent with her hands jammed in her mouth in her signature "I'm terrified!" look but each time the ride ended she wanted to go again!

Her favorite rides were probably the little boats, the carousel and one of the new rides that had cars shaped like bugs and animals. She LOVED that one and insisted on riding it over and over which worked out because by that time it was about ten o'clock and there wasn't a line. I'm pretty sure at that point she was "sleep riding" anyway after having no nap and it being 2 hours past her regular bedtime (she finally got to sleep that night at 12:30!)

She HATED getting sprayed with water on the wetter rides and tried to climb in one of the fountains that wasn't for playing in...silly girl!

(No way was she goin' into the splash area and voluntarily getting wet!)

(Time out for a granola bar-way cheaper than amusement park food!)

The big kids meanwhile LOVED getting sprayed on the wet rides and their motto was "the faster, the higher the better!". They went on The Cliff Hanger 5 or 6 times. Wicked saw them repeatedly too. The Wild Mouse was Thomas' favorite and he went on it three times in a row (if it was me I'd have thrown up!).

One of the not so fun things that happened involved T and his beloved Cookies n' Cream Dippin' Dots. He had finally gotten a cup of them after waiting all day and was walking while eating them and like most kids didn't watch where he was going. Some big guy wasn't watching where he was going either and knocked the Dots right out of Thomas' hand and all over the ground. He just kept walking, didn't apologize or anything! Of course Matt's inner Papa Bear came out and he confronted the guy and asked him if he noticed what he had done. The guy said, "Yeah. The kids wasn't watching where he was going. Whaddaya want me to do about it?" What a jerk! Anyway, Thomas was partly at fault and although he was pretty bummed he handled it well and didn't make too big of a deal out of it. The second day we were there he finally got another cup of Dippin' Dots and was SO happy!

Of course when at and Amusement Park one should always try to win a prize right? When the older three wanted to go on The Cliff Hanger again....and again....and again....and Thomas didn't want to I let him play the water gun race game and he won a bear. Of course he wanted to try again for a bigger prize and when he won that one too he had the choice of a bigger prize or another small bear. He chose to take another small bear so that Em could have one too. What a great big brother! I love it when I get to watch my kids love each other!

Of course when the others got off their ride they wanted to play too and each won a bear also. Cute Alyssa actually won twice and could have gotten a bigger prize as well but let Madison have a small bear so that she could have a prize too. What sweet kids!

(Notice the wet backsides form The Cliff Hanger!)

One of my favorite things about our Lagoon days was how proud Emilia was of her hand stamp. Every time we got to the front of a line she would hold her little fist up proudly and show her stamp to the ride operator. Sometimes she would just randomly hold it up to me and with a proud smile she would say, "Mommy, stamp!". After it washed off in the tub she held it up and asked, "Stamp?" with obvious disappointment at it's inevitable demise. 

To sum it all up, it was an exhausting two days but SO fun! I may be too old for many rides myself now but it's so fun to watch my kids have the time of their lives, and remember when I ran from line to line with never ending energy! I know that in a few months Thomas will start asking when we will be going on our annual pilgrimage to Lagoon again and it will be fun to look back at this trip and relive the memories until we can return next year on another hot summer day.

Like all good things our Lagoon trip came to an end and so did our visit with Alyssa. It was hard to let her go, and harder to comfort Madison after she left. I admit, I cried a little with her, my own heart breaking at the thought of my girl being without her bestest friend again for awhile. Hopefully one day soon we can fly her out to Texas and they can catch up again but until then kids are resilient and there's cell phones and Gmail. Thanks heavens for modern technology!