Too Funny...

Let's lighten things up a bit after that last post and enjoy some comedic relief from the mouths of my children...



As is common with an almost 3 yr old we are easing into potty training. The other day as Em sat on the pot things weren't....shall we say "working out"?....the way she wanted them to. She looked at me and said in frustration, "It's not working Mom....The batteries are out in  my butt!" Such a little lady!

One day I was watching a show on TLC about high risk pregnancies. Thomas came into the room as they were talking about doing an ultrasound to see if the baby was breach. He turned to me puzzled and asked, "They need to check if the baby is British?" 

So the other night we get in the car and I lost my patience with T after he had asked about something for the 5th or 6th time. There was definite tension in the car as the blow-up settled around us and silence ensued. From the backseat Emilia pipes up and says, "Thomas, I'm going to laugh at you...HAHAHA!" Then after a pause she morosely says, "Sorry, Thomas." Of course we all busted up laughing to which she responded, "Ummm...Mom? What happened?"

One night in Target near Christmas I had all three kids with me and was feeling extremely frazzled. As I was trying to breathe deeply in order to prevent either a blow-up or tears Thomas said excitedly, "Look! There's the Christmas trees!" Then without missing a beat Madison answered in a high squeaky voice, "That's not a Christmas tree boy...that's just an illusion!"

      Man I love that my kids have great senses of humor!




Loves!-M










      

Christmas Memory--30 second Santa Claus...

To those who may still be reading my blog (thanks by the way!): I was reading posts back from the beginning of this blog and thought I'd repost this since we did just finish with Christmas. It made me laugh and yes, we did go to the mall this year! I'll be back soon, after having taken my blog sabbatical, but until then...enjoy! 

Found this on SketchySantas.com and it seemed fitting...

Ok, so yesterday I had the brilliant idea that I would take the kids to see Santa. We see the same Santa at the same mall every year. I've always told my kids that this one is the REAL Santa and the rest are just helpers. So I go through all the trouble of throwing the little darlings in the car with the hopes of getting just one good pic of all three with Old St. Nick. Half way there I realize I forgot my camera. (Insert faux swear word!) We get there, meet my Mom and she tells me she brought her camera. Yeah! We hit the North Pole and there's no line! Yippee!!! HOWEVER-There is a sign that says no personal pics are allowed. WHAT!? But of course they would be happy to take them for me for the low price of $20.00 for 2 5x7's. I could get like, well, 20 5x7's for 20 bucks at Wal-Mart. Now call me old fashioned but how hard is it to just let a parent take a little snap shot of their crying baby on Chris Cringle's lap? So I tell the Kiddie Kandids' Chick dressed like an Elf no thanks and usher the kids in. Santa sits one older kid on each side (what's the use in subjecting The Pea to the age old toddler inflicted horror of the White Bearded One if I can't capture it for posterity) and in about 30 seconds flat asks them what they want, gets their answer and tells them he'll see what he can do, then moves them along with a story book. They leave a bit shell shocked to be honest. The Pirate turns to me and says, "That's it? That was boring!" I felt bad. They look forward for months and then don't even get the courtesy of being asked if they've been naughty or nice! Oh, and to top it all off? I was informed by The Princess that Santa had garlic breath! How about an after lunch candy cane Santa?

Next we move onto Things Remembered with my Mom to get a Christmas Ornament for my brother's baby and I proceed to tell The Pirate no less than 20 times to stop running around, stop hanging on me, stop playing chicken with the Christmas train that keeps driving laps around the mall corridors and most of all stop stretching his shirt over his knees and hopping around like a hobbit while I try to focus enough brain power on helping my Mom pick out the ornament and also keep The Pea entertained because she has now decided that she will not sit peacefully in her stroller like she usually does but instead wants to be held and is determined to touch ever shiny silver object on the counter top in front of her (whew!). Alas, we survive and bid the Things Remembered employee adeu. At this point, all though technically The Pirate does not deserve a ride on the Christmas train, I figure it will buy me a good 5-7 minutes of peace and I happily allow my very generous Mother to buy tickets for it. I place The Pea on the lap of The Princess, threaten The Pirate if he even thinks about standing up during the trip and remind them to keep their hands inside the ride at all times. I then wave giddily as they drive off. I proceed to spend the next 5 minutes taking deep cleansing breaths and dreaming of the darling pink dress I saw at Dillards (that I can't justify buying) that would look so cute on The Pea. Yeah so, 5 minutes goes REALLY fast!

So now I'm thinking I can still salvage the day with lunch. My kids LOVE eating at the mall. They always get The Village Pizzeria. Spaghetti for The Pirate and Ziti for The Princess. Throw in more bread sticks than any two children should consume in one meal and you've got a meal made in heaven! We get our food, sit down and I start cutting spaghetti. I think, "Hey, The Pirate never finishes his spaghetti. I'll give The Pea some and I won't have to spend more dough on something for her." The first three bites go well. Then she decides to help. You know the drill. You're trying to get the food to the toddlers mouth and a power struggle ensues. I tried to get the fork away before she could drop the contents and she decides to flip the thing and spaghetti splatters EVERYWHERE! She honestly looked like she had been in a food fight. It was all over her face, her clothes, in her eyes, and all over her stroller (where's the camera now?). I have to admit. I put my face in my hands and just sat for a minute. To cry or not to cry... You'd be proud, I didn't cry. I cleaned her up then went and stood in line for a ridiculously long time to get her a corn dog that she would eat roughly 3 bites of. Better have been some darn tasty bites! During all of this my sweet Mother had gone and got me lunch. I sat down to eat while listening to The Pirate ask for quarters repeatedly. I finally threatened to never give him another quarter as long as he lived (which at this point was looking like a mighty short time) and tried to enjoy my Charlie's Steakery. After a few minutes Grandma came to the rescue and gave them money for the carousel and the claw machine and I finished up my Chicken Philly.

By this time I was more than ready to go but my Mom offered ice cream and a sista needs ice cream at a time like this! The Pirate decided to pull out the spoiled rotten act and pout about the lack of Oreo ice cream cones at Dairy Queen but quickly apologized when faced with the alternative of no ice cream at all and gratefully accepted a vanilla cone. I didn't want to rush my Mom so I agreed to go to Bath and Body Works where she needed to buy a gift. Besides, if I ever needed aromatherapy today was the day! We were there about ten minutes and I think The Pirate had been told to get out of the middle of the teetering display shelves three times. He and The Princess had sprayed probably 5 different perfumes on themselves and The Pea was started a full scale meltdown. My poor Mom made her purchase and we hightailed it outta there!

Well, that was the end. We made our way to the car, hugged Grandma goodbye and I instructed them to get in the car through gritted teeth. The ride home was quiet. I think they were a teensy bit afraid of me. Hmmm...go figure.

Honestly, my kids are great kids-usually. What is it that brings out the worst in them sometimes? I admit, I did have a picture in my head of how I had wanted the day to go. But really? The Pirate is always some level of a spaz but this time he was in rare form. The Pea is famous for her peaceful disposition and willingness to happily sit in her stroller for long periods of time. Uh, not today. And The Princess hardly ever misbehaves out in public and even she had to be reprimanded a few times. I tell you, I shoulda dragged those 3 back to Santa at the end of that trip and demanded he ask the naughty or nice question and then whipped out my personal camera and taken a pic of Mr. Bowl Full of Jelly right in front of Elf girl and let her do with that what she wanted!

I think next year we'll skip the mall...

My Favorite Things...

Just for laughs...

Antidepressants and cold chocolate cake

Chilled Diet Coke and meals I didn't make

Big shiny gems on my cute silver rings

These are a few of my favorite things...

Cheese on my fries and a dark shade of red

Reading a book before going to bed

A really hot guy on the White Collar series

These are a few of my favorite things...

When the kids fight

And when Matt's right

I get really mad!

I'll simply remember my favorite things 

And then I won't feel...

So bad! 

P.S. I love you honey-not my favorite criminal...don't worry!

But ya gotta admit...he is kinda cute!





       

Ok, so I know that Christmas in LOOOONG gone by now 

but I found this the other day and in light of my recent 

post on depression I thought I would post it. It made me  

laugh anyway....

CHRISTMAS DISORDERS and CAROLS

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells....

11. Oppositional Defiant Disorder-- You better not cry - Oh yes I will
You better not Shout - I can if i want to
You better not pout - Can if i want to
I'm telling you why - Not listening
Santa Claus is coming to town - No he's not!!

The Hubster's sleep habits

**Let me preface this by saying that The Hubster is eagerly
awaiting this post as much as you are...**

So I'm gonna go in a different direction today. I mentioned the other day that I have had some entertaining experiences when it comes to The Hubster and sleep over the years. There are plenty of random facts I could give you about him, like how I've never met a more passionate Jazz basketball fan, or how if you insult BYU football in front of him he just might take you out! I could tell you how he works (really hard) with computers for a living, but is NOT a computer geek, or how he is my own personal fix it/build anything guy. There's also the fact that he LOVES his 4-wheeler (almost) like another child, or how he loves to camp and fish, or what an incredible husband and father he is. But wouldn't it be more fun to hear about embarrassing sleep incidents? I thought so. This one's for you Honey...

My first experience with The Hubster and sleep was during our second week of marriage. I had just woken up when all the sudden a rather large fist came flying at me from the side. Luckily it was caught by it's equally large twin a split second before it connected with my chest. The impact was hard enough that the whole bed shook! I looked at him shocked.

"What the heck was THAT?!" I said. "I was having a dream." He replied.

"What in the world were you dreaming about?"

"I had a dream that we were at the circus," He explained. "Some guys came in and let everybody else go, but took us hostage. They must have knocked me out because the next thing I knew I was tied up and regaining consciousness. I turned to look at you and asked if you were ok. You said "...yes". The I asked if they had ruined our wedding video."

----At this point I started laughing! He knew how much our wedding video had meant to me. It was one of the things I had been willing to splurge on when we were planning our wedding. Anyway....----

"So I asked if they had ruined our wedding video and you looked at the guys all nervous like and said, "....no." He continued. "I could tell you were trying to hide something so I asked you again. Did they ruin our wedding video?!..."  "YES!" You said in a disgusted voice.

----At this point I was about in tears from laughing so hard.----

Then he tells me, "Well that was it! I turned to the guy nearest me and started attacking him! I pulled out a knife and stabbed him in the top of the head. That's when I woke up while, at the same time, hitting my hand."

----ARE...YOU...KIDDING...ME?! who knew my sweet new groom was such a violent man? Well, needless to say, I was a bit nervous for a few days after that. Slept with one eye open and all :).He's never thrown a punch in his sleep since then. But boy does he do other things! He kicks, he "chomps" his teeth really hard, he "runs", his whole body jerks, he twitches....never a dull moment!----

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next-- we move on to the talking in his sleep. There is never a shortage of amusing tidbits to listen to when The Hubster is sleeping. When he is really stressed at work, he tends to argue and say...ummm...bad words...in his sleep (You know it's true Honey... Just keepin' it real). Sometimes he tells jokes. The best is when he laughs though. It's usually this really funny, kind of hissing "hee-hee-hee", kind of laugh. One of my favorites was the time that he let out this weird, warbling, tarzan-like yell, paused for a second, then said, "Well that was weird..." We both laughed SO HARD!


Now-- when you wake him up from a deep sleep you never know what you might get. The first time I had to wake him up in the middle of the night was when The Princess was little. She was really sick with a high fever and I wanted The Hubster to give her a Priesthood blessing. It was around 1am and I had just given her some Tylenol. I went back into our room and stood in front of my hubby and quietly said, "Honey, wake up...I need you to give The Princess a blessing. She's really sick." He opened his eyes and just looked at me. Then in a really menacing voice he asked, "Who....are...you....?" I slowly backed away and moved around to my side of the bed, crawled in and said, "It's just me Honey, your wife. I need you to give her a blessing." He recognized me and from that night on I've always stood far away or climbed back into my side of the bed before I wake him up for something! In retrospect, I guess it would be kinda creepy having a dark shadow stand over you in the night...

The Hubster has always snored REALLY loud too, due to HUGE tonsils that were never removed, and a couple of years ago we learned he had Sleep Apnea.  He was given a CPAP machine, which forces air into his airway to keep it open while he sleeps. This machine has since made for some very dramatic "awakening scenes". For instance, we used to have one of those shampoo/body wash dispensers in our shower. One night, while we were both heavily asleep, it decided to come crashing down. I woke up a split second before The Hubster. Just in time to see him rip off his mask, throw it aside, and assume a wrestlers crouch, fists clenched, ready to fight. IT WAS AWESOME! I am laughing out loud right now at the memory!

Another time, the night The Pea got her foot stuck in the crib, I stood at the door (you can bet I didn't stand over him), and said, "Honey! I need you...NOW!" Same thing, mask flung aside Super-Hero style followed by, "Ok! I'm up! What's wrong!" Ready to save the day!

The Hubsters "on guard all the time" personality traits are well known in our home. His dad was the same way when he was young (The Pirate's future wife better watch out). No, we're not afraid of him. It's actually kinda comforting knowing he's got our backs at a moments notice. We (the kids and I) have learned to announce ourselves long before we approach him in the dark or if he's not aware of us coming up behind him. It's actually funny that such a gentle, loving father and husband would be capable of accosting :-) someone in the head, with a knife, in a dream. Then again, he's a big guy (6' 3"). If I was a hostage taking, wedding video ruining thug...I might think twice. I'm just sayin'....