On Friday The Hubster and I went on a date. We go every other Friday night and our FABULOUS babysitter comes and stays with the kids. On Friday we went for sushi and a movie. The sushi was SO good. I was craving more all weekend. The movie was cute. We went to see 'Happy Valentine's Day'. It had lots of great actors and was a fun chick flick. The only problem was about 20 minutes into it a couple sat down next to me with a newborn baby. I'm talkin' brand spankin' new (like so new I wanted to remind them about RSV season...). So tiny! I tell you it took all of my self-control not to beg them to let me hold that little creature! So then I started thinking about how much I miss The Pea being tiny and how I wish my pregnancies were healthier and I was saner so I could have another one. Then I found myself getting really sad. Like eyes-welling-up-trying-not-to-cry sad. I've mentioned before that babyhood has not been easy in the past. I have had major post-partum depression in the past and have a hard time with sleep deprivation. But with The Pea it was all SO much better! Yeah I still got tired and there were some hard moments, but for the most part I just couldn't get enough of her! She was such an angel baby. So I sat there thinking about how I will never have a newborn again and how I hate my stupid brain chemistry for inflicting chemical depression on me and I hate the High Blood pressure that always crops up and interferes with my pregnancies and then I was sad and frustrated! How come other people can handle 4,5,6 kids and they are healthy and happy and it took me having a third before I really enjoyed it and then it had to be over for me. Not to mention now that The Pea has hit toddlerhood I am having problems with depression again. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I hope that it doesn't seem as though I don't love my kids, now or as babies. I do (and did). I really have like the coolest kids around. But I've never been good at being selfless with my time. I have no imagination left for playing. I have always been one that needed my time on a regular basis to stay sane and having a toddler that seems to be approaching the terrible two's a bit early and subsequently wants to hang on me while whining every where I go does not seem to help my mood any. I play with her, I read to her, I take her places and I know that all toddlers have a hard time when they can't communicate but boy is it wearing on me! I miss that sweet baby girl who cuddled and cooed and sat so peacefully when I needed to get something done. If I could have her funny personality and her tiny baby body all wrapped up in one it would be perfection!
Ya know, I read a lot of blogs (too many really) and a lot of those blogs have to do with families who have lost a child or have a very sick child to raise. The other day I read one where the mother who had lost her baby to a disease a few months ago wrote, "And I can't watch any kind of 'Baby Story' or 'Bringing Home Baby' show. And it's not out of sadness; I like to see cute little newborns. It's the parents I want to slap for their inability to realize the miracle of a perfectly healthy baby. "Oh my gosh this baby won't sleep and always cries!! How horrible!! I just want to get out of the house!!" Eh ........... just shut your mouths and take care of your kid. On the other hand it reinforces my faith that God gives the most special of babies to the most special of parents. If you're going to melt down over a couple weeks of colic; something like EB, or Downs Syndrome, or Autism would leave you crumbled on the floor." I know that she is angry about her situation, I would be too! I know that she was not in any way meaning to hurt anyone's feelings and since she doesn't actually know me she was of course not talking to me. I think that it just hit home. Those are thoughts I have had about myself. Why do I have such a hard time when my babies are perfectly healthy. Colic is hard but it's not a disease or disability. The thing is, I know I am blessed. I feel blessed. I just also feel frustrated! I feel like I was kind of robbed the first two times. I loved my first two babies but I didn't enjoy them and I wish so bad that I could go back and somehow change things. I watched every one else who just adored their babies and I heard people telling me what a blessing my baby was and how I shouldn't feel that way. I didn't want to be depressed. If I could have figured out how to avoid it I would have. My babies deserved better! I truly think that some of The Princess's anxiety issues stem from my mental state back when she was little. This is all getting a bit rambly (not a word...). I just feel jealous, and sad, and a bit jipped. I didn't feel baby hungry until we decided to have The Pea. I didn't ache to have another baby until now. Now it's too late. Now my body has decided to rebel in a big way. Now I have to let go of that hunger to have another baby when really, it just started for me.......
I hope this hasn't sounded ungrateful to anyone. That's not what I intended. I have good friends who would do anything to be able to get pregnant and then actually stay pregnant. I have seen their pain and do not take my ability to get pregnant easily lightly. I love my kids. I am SO blessed to have healthy children, not to mention I have been blessed not to have to let any of them go in this life. I don't take that lightly either. But well, this is MY blog and I needed to vent a little, so I did. Take it or leave it but please try not to misunderstand....
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