Valentine's Day...

I thought I'd post some pics from Valentine's Day, ya know, for journaling purposes and all. It's funny how when you are dating it's all about romance and fancy dates. Then you grow up. We still have fun with Valentine's but it's more low key now. I did some cheap decorating this year which really didn't turn out how I wanted it but really it's for the kids anyway! On the Friday before V-Day the kids had their school parties and The Princess requested a heart in her hair for the occasion.

 Then on Saturday morning The Hubster made Crepes with powdered sugar (his own recipe-YUM!) and surprised me with breakfast in bed. I actually forgot to give my kids their V-Day gifts until Monday and  I forgot to take pics. They are obsessed with WebKinz right now so Cupid brought them each a little one and some cookies. The Pea got a Dora book. I also forgot to take pictures of the sugar cookies I decorated with the two older kids. I really got into it this year and tried my hand at outlining and then float filling them. Think Bakerella style, but not as perfect! The Hubster and I had decided not to worry about gifts this year so I just got him a card. Do you think he honored our agreement? Of course not! Beautiful tulips arrived on Saturday!

 
 He sends me flowers all the time (which I LOVE) and he even pays attention to the fact that I HATE carnations and I like flowers other than roses. One time he even sent me flowers twice in one day! Anyway, we also had my mom over for Valentine's Day dinner since my dad was stuck out of town. It was a lot of fun! We had marinated chicken cooked on the grill, baked potatoes, edemame, and corn bread. Delish! All in all, it was a fun weekend!

Ok, so I know that Christmas in LOOOONG gone by now 

but I found this the other day and in light of my recent 

post on depression I thought I would post it. It made me  

laugh anyway....

CHRISTMAS DISORDERS and CAROLS

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells....

11. Oppositional Defiant Disorder-- You better not cry - Oh yes I will
You better not Shout - I can if i want to
You better not pout - Can if i want to
I'm telling you why - Not listening
Santa Claus is coming to town - No he's not!!

The Princess conquers a fear!

I know I already posted today but I also wanted to tell The Princess how proud I am of her! A couple of weeks ago we had our annual Activity Days Recognition Night. Each of the girls were supposed to come up with a short paragraph about their favorite thing about Activity Days or a favorite activity they had done. At first The Princess flat out refused. She hates public speaking as much as I do (and that's A LOT!). Finally, the day of the Recognition Night she decided she would talk about the time they went to her favorite leader's house and made lasagnas for the women in the ward who had just had babies or were otherwise in need of a meal. I remember that day. She did have a lot of fun! She loves to cook and she adores Ashlee (her favorite leader) so it was a really great day for her. Anyway, she wrote about how much she loved that activity then and how it meant something extra special to her at the time because I was pregnant and on bed rest and would soon deliver The Pea. She also threw in a joke about how now she thinks they should have made casserole or something because when we received dinners from ward members during that time we ended up getting lasagna 5 nights in a row (true story...) and none of them were even any of the ones she had made!

Well that night we got all dressed up (she looked SO cute and I forgot to take a picture-Darnit!) and went to the church. We helped set up(I'm a leader now), and she stewed and stewed. She was SO nervous. When the program started she excused herself to go to the bathroom and I honestly thought she might not come back! But she did and when she looked at me her eyes were all bloodshot, either from trying not to cry or from an upset nervous stomach. I told her she would do great and to say a little prayer. Before she knew it it was her turn. She went up there and dazzled em'! She was sweet, funny and actually looked quite confident! I was SO proud! I of all people knew what that fear was like. I knew how hard that was for her and although she was only up there for like 30 seconds I could not have been more proud. Over the last four years we have watched her battle MAJOR anxiety in different situations. She has seen a therapist for it and we thought at one point we might have to look into some medication for her (which I DID NOT want to do at such a young age) which thankfully we didn't have to do. This year though she has done so much better! That night, for her (and us), was such a  big moment!

 
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Peach, I just want you to know how proud of you I really am. I know that took so much courage and I admire you so much! Your sappy old mom is actually crying as she writes this because when I think of how much I love you and how proud I am of you it all overflows out through my eyes :). You are so beautiful and smart and you are one of my best friends (and that's not just cause you like to shop with me and put up with my wacky sense of humor!). You are one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I know and I am so blessed to have you as my daughter! I love you! 

Love, Mom

The Pea is sick!

I know the above picture is blurry but it's actually one of my favorites. It was taken when The Pea was about 6 months old and had a really bad cold and two ear infections. She was SO miserable and yet she was still smiling! I thought of this picture today when we were at the InstaCare. She was there this past Saturday too. It all started last Thursday when I noticed what I thought was a zit right by her right eye. It got bigger and bigger. On Saturday I mentioned it to The Hubster and we both thought it was quite the impressive mark! Then I took off her PJ's to get her dressed and saw another big one on her chest and another on her leg. There were 3 or 4 smaller ones on other parts of her body. I immediately asked The Hubster what Chicken Pox look like. I had them as a kid, (didn't we all?) but haven't seem them for many years since they have a vaccine for them now. I called my mom and asked what they look like and then decided I better have her looked at just so I knew for sure who I needed to keep her away from. We took a trip to the InstaCare and sure enough, she had The Pox! They told me to watch for other symptoms such as runny nose, fever and possible pneumonia. They also said she wasn't covered in spots most likely because she had been vaccinated and therefore she had a milder case. Now I always thought that Chicken Pox was a skin thing, but apparently it's a full blown virus! So the last few days she has developed a runny nose, fevers and cough. The last two nights her cough has been pretty bad and today it was awful! The last straw was when, in the car, she had a 5 minute long coughing fit complete with gagging and her eyes and nose running. I was just up the street from the InstaCare so I thought we'd just drop in. They looked at her, listened to her breathing, and did a chest x-ray. The poor baby was terrified by the x-ray. The put her in this chair contraption thingy that closed around her and I had to hole her arms straight up. She survived though and promptly fell asleep obviously exhausted from her terrible ordeal. (Honestly I don't know how you Moms with seriously ill kids do appointment after appointment day after day! You are my HEROES!) We were told to wait for them to read the x-ray. After a few minutes the Dr. sent us home saying she would call with the results and gave me an Rx for Zyrtec which should help with the cough. About a half hour after I got home she called and said that the X-ray showed a definite bronchial virus that could be caused by the Pox but is also frequently caused by RSV. RSV too!? My poor kid! They would have to do a blood test to get a sure diagnosis of RSV and she said that unless her breathing worsens (right now she is just retracting a little bit), her fever goes way up suddenly, or she is having major coughing w/vomiting spells we didn't need to put her through a blood draw and we should just take her to the ER if any of the previously mentioned things happen. So, now we wait. Hopefully it will all resolve itself soon. She said it could get worse before it gets better though. I hope not. I think of all the babies I read about who are in the hospital for RSV and their poor families who worry so much and I just pray we won't have to go there. *sigh* Chicken Pox and possible RSV.....She sure knows how to get attention huh? :)

Movies and newborns...

On Friday The Hubster and I went on a date. We go every other Friday night and our FABULOUS babysitter comes and stays with the kids. On Friday we went for sushi and a movie. The sushi was SO good. I was craving more all weekend. The movie was cute. We went to see 'Happy Valentine's Day'. It had lots of great actors and was a fun chick flick. The only problem was about 20 minutes into it a couple sat down next to me with a newborn baby. I'm talkin' brand spankin' new (like so new I wanted to remind them about RSV season...). So tiny! I tell you it took all of my self-control not to beg them to let me hold that little creature! So then I started thinking about how much I miss The Pea being tiny and how I wish my pregnancies were healthier and I was saner so I could have another one. Then I found myself getting really sad. Like eyes-welling-up-trying-not-to-cry sad. I've mentioned before that babyhood has not been easy in the past. I have had major post-partum depression in the past and have a hard time with sleep deprivation. But with The Pea it was all SO much better! Yeah I still got tired and there were some hard moments, but for the most part I just couldn't get enough of her! She was such an angel baby. So I sat there thinking about how I will never have a newborn again and how I hate my stupid brain chemistry for inflicting chemical depression on me and I hate the High Blood pressure that always crops up and interferes with my pregnancies and then I was sad and frustrated! How come other people can handle 4,5,6 kids and they are healthy and happy and it took me having a third before I really enjoyed it and then it had to be over for me. Not to mention now that The Pea has hit toddlerhood I am having problems with depression again. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I hope that it doesn't seem as though I don't love my kids, now or as babies. I do (and did). I really have like the coolest kids around. But I've never been good at being selfless with my time. I have no imagination left for playing. I have always been one that needed my time on a regular basis to stay sane and having a toddler that seems to be approaching the terrible two's a bit early and subsequently wants to hang on me while whining every where I go does not seem to help my mood any. I play with her, I read to her, I take her places and I know that all toddlers have a hard time when they can't communicate but boy is it wearing on me! I miss that sweet baby girl who cuddled and cooed and sat so peacefully when I needed to get something done. If I could have her funny personality and her tiny baby body all wrapped up in one it would be perfection!

Ya know, I read a lot of blogs (too many really) and a lot of those blogs have to do with families who have lost a child or have a very sick child to raise. The other day I read one where the mother who had lost her baby to a disease a few months ago wrote, "And I can't watch any kind of 'Baby Story' or 'Bringing Home Baby' show. And it's not out of sadness; I like to see cute little newborns. It's the parents I want to slap for their inability to realize the miracle of a perfectly healthy baby. "Oh my gosh this baby won't sleep and always cries!! How horrible!! I just want to get out of the house!!" Eh ........... just shut your mouths and take care of your kid. On the other hand it reinforces my faith that God gives the most special of babies to the most special of parents. If you're going to melt down over a couple weeks of colic; something like EB, or Downs Syndrome, or Autism would leave you crumbled on the floor."   I know that she is angry about her situation, I would be too! I know that she was not in any way meaning to hurt anyone's feelings and since she doesn't actually know me she was of course not talking to me. I think that it just hit home. Those are thoughts I have had about myself. Why do I have such a hard time when my babies are perfectly healthy. Colic is hard but it's not a disease or disability.  The thing is, I know I am blessed. I feel blessed. I just also feel frustrated! I feel like I was kind of robbed the first two times. I loved my first two babies but I didn't enjoy them and I wish so bad that I could go back and somehow change things. I watched every one else who just adored their babies and I heard people telling me what a blessing my baby was and how I shouldn't feel that way. I didn't want to be depressed. If I could have figured out how to avoid it I would have. My babies deserved better! I truly think that some of The Princess's anxiety issues stem from my mental state back when she was little. This is all getting a bit rambly (not a word...). I just feel jealous, and sad, and a bit jipped. I didn't feel baby hungry until we decided to have The Pea. I didn't ache to have another baby until now. Now it's too late. Now my body has decided to rebel in a big way. Now I have to let go of that hunger to have another baby when really, it just started for me.......


I hope this hasn't sounded ungrateful to anyone. That's not what I intended. I have good friends who would do anything to be able to get pregnant and then actually stay pregnant. I have seen their pain and do not take my ability to get pregnant easily lightly. I love my kids. I am SO blessed to have healthy children, not to mention I have been blessed not to have to let any of them go in this life. I don't take that lightly either. But well, this is MY blog and I needed to vent a little, so I did. Take it or leave it but please try not to misunderstand....