Confessions of a Shop-aholic...

In the past you have been privy to my inner most thoughts and confessions from my dark side, such as my addictions to Diet Coke and Ben and Jerry's, and today's post will be no exception. I feel I should lie on my couch as I type this and picture a Freudian like therapist taking notes and figuring out how it all relates back to my mother...Anyway, lets talk a little less about psychotherapy and a little more about retail therapy. I shop. A lot. Too much really. And I am good at it!  I love to find a good sale or bargain, clearance racks...well, they...complete me. My poor husband has thus far been quite patient with my somewhat expensive form of self-help, but to be honest, it bothers me. I mean I know it bothers him too. He doesn't yell at me or berate me over it but I know it bothers him. But I don't know that he knows that it bothers me too (maybe we should both lie on a couch?), and that all kidding aside, it makes me feel weak and selfish and stressed. I don't just go spend money just to spend it. It starts because I need to get out of the house because I am going stir-crazy with a toddler climbing all over me and screaming at the top of her lungs when I can't figure out what the heck she wants. At that moment Target starts calling my name. There they have Diet Coke (said with reverence) and popcorn to occupy the Little One. There are adults to talk to that know me now (sad but true) and we talk about our kids and can actually communicate with one another. They have toys there to entertain the Munchkin, toys that she's never seen before and because of that they actually hold her attention for more than 30 seconds and I don't have to entertain her or try to decipher "toddler speak" while she plays with them. But the part that traps me, that sucks me in, is the outfit that will make me like how I look again if I buy it. The home decor that will make me feel happy and make me want to stay at home all day just to look at it. The workout DVD that is different this time, I'll actually use this one (really!) and lose all that weight that I hate carrying around so much. The jewelry that, hanging from my ears or around my neck or adorning my fingers, will make me feel beautiful again. There's the cooking gadgets that will make me all of the sudden love cooking and the cleaning items that will make me magically want to clean. There's the make-up that will make my skin look like a model's or the one toy or game that the kids don't have that will suddenly entertain them for hours on end and cure the endless arguments and bouts of boredom. Oh, and the shoes! Don't even get me started on shoes...

The funny thing is, I know all of that is a lie.

I'm a smart chick. I know that none of this stuff is going to make me the person I really want to be. Most of the time it's just more clutter that I have to find a place for or stuff I may never end up wearing. It just made me feel excited to have something new, and hopeful that it would be the one thing that would make me feel beautiful, successful, fulfilled, you name it. The part I hate though is that I actually live quite a charmed life and I don't feel content a lot of the time. My kids are healthy, my handsome husband works hard and loves me (and my stretch marks), our home is beautiful, we have reliable cars and food to eat (even if I HATE cooking it) so why am I not fulfilled? It's not that I want to go get a job, although I do miss feeling like something I do is worth paying for. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything and I'll be the first to admit that I have really great kids! Why can't I just stay home each day, seeing as I am a stay-at-home mom, and plan fun educational activities for my kids and bake bread and make delicious, nutritious meals and sing while I do dishes and laundry and feel content? Ok, that was a little much but you get the picture.

Please don't misunderstand. I don't hate my life. I'm sure it sounds like it but for the most part I really am happy. I just feel like sometimes I am never going to be successful at this mother/homemaker thing and it gets discouraging. I just don't want to keep trying to shop my issues away because it's not helping anyone, especially me. Well, once again I was probably too honest today and I hope you don't think less of me because of it. Of course, if you're still coming back for more after some of my other posts than I'll just chalk you up as a real friend and maybe we can go shopping together one of these days!



P.S. Next time you're at Target tell the girl at the snack counter that Misty sent you!

My name is Misty....and I am a shopaholic.

I, like a lot of you, am a stay-at-home mom. I am so very blessed  to be a stay-at-home mom. However. I get so freaking stir crazy sometimes that I feel as though I may literally implode at any moment if I don't GET OUT! I know I shouldn't complain. I know that I am incredibly blessed. I know there are mothers who would give anything to stay home with their kids and some mothers in this economy that just wish they had a home to stay home in. So I know I sound ungrateful and I am sorry. But there are so many days that cooking the same meals and cleaning up the same messes and stopping the same arguments just to have them all repeat themselves almost exactly the next day is so maddening! It's like the movie Groundhog Day. Only it seems so much funnier when it's Bill Murray and not me.

Here's where the shopping comes in. I get bored, I get stir crazy, I desperately think of somewhere, anywhere to go and that somewhere is usually Target. Or  Hobby Lobby. Or Walmart. Or....well, you get the picture. Why don't I find a hobby? I have them. Unfortunately my toddler's hobby is to make it impossible for me to do any of them. I miss being able to sit down and bead, or edit pictures, or just watch a T.V. show without being interrupted 47 times. It's very bad when your baby grabs your container of beads and chucks it on the floor. Very bad. So, as mentioned above, I shop. I buy more beads that I won't be able to use for the next 3 years or so. I buy clothes that I think will make me feel better about myself, that I can't fit into because I can't find time (or energy) to work out. Not to mention, when I am not shopping I am eating because I am bored . The people at McDonalds know me now. They see me so often that they ask how my kids are and where I have been when they don't see me for a day or two. Pathetic! The worst part is that a) I pass it on  to my kids and b) I feel so bad when I have to answer to The Hubster for the damage (to our banking account) I have done. He is always patient. He rarely gets mad at me and even when he does it's not much. But I don't want to be this way. I want to be fulfilled. I want to be productive. I want to be SANE!

Before I had kids I worked in  the mortgage industry. I was pretty good at it. I got things done, and they stayed done. People listened to me. I miss that. I miss the satisfaction of closing out a file and knowing that I would never see that file again. I loved that feeling that all my hard work and research and sometimes fighting for the things I needed was really worth it. I miss feeling like my co-workers respected me and thought I was intelligent. Now my brain has shriveled. It doesn't seem to take a lot of brain power to do load after load of laundry and dishes. I HATE cooking (hence the McDonalds...). Most days I do the bear minimum and look forward to going to bed. Wow. I am a real downer. No wonder ya'll keep coming back!

So anyway, here's my question. Do you guys feel that way? What do you do about it? I am stuck in a serious rut and feel like I have been since, well, since I became a mom. Yeah. 9 years, I know. Now, let me clear something up. I LOVE my kids. I DON'T want to go back to work. I KNOW this is where I should be as a mother and the whole point of my rambling is that I want to make it a better experience for myself, which will in turn make it a better experience for my family. Not to mention save us money. Although I'm not sure how the McDonalds employees will go on with out my bright smiling face and sparkling wit.

And that's all I have to say about that.