Project #1

Yes-I left the string on there for photographic drama...

So I've decided to make new couch pillows for my Family Room. My current pillows are fraying and flat and have been bugging me for months and I am to the point I can barely stand looking at them now! Not to mention just two pillows on an entire full size sofa looks kinda measly but when I originally made these pillows I could only afford enough fabric for two pillows on the sofa and two for the love seat (and yes, both sets of pillows are the same). This week I bought the fabric and trim and I'm going to attempt to make envelope style covers so that I can use them to cover the current pillows and also be able to take the covers off to wash when needed (very important with kids!). I have decided to take all of you on the decorating ride with me because it could turn out to be rather amusing as I learn by trial and error how to sew trim on. I've made easy peasy pillows before (sew four sides and stuff ya know?) but trim could turn out to be my downfall! Those who know me know that I am a home decorating enthusiast (I even did home staging and decorating professionally for a while before The Pea) and I am always changing things up around here. I rearrange things on at least a weekly (sometimes daily) basis. The Hubster never knows what he'll find when he gets home! The problem is there are always little projects that I put off and before I know it 6 months have passed and that project's supplies have been sitting there unused in a plastic sack somewhere. Yup-I'm a procrastinator! So here's a list of what to expect in the coming months:

1. We'll start with the pillows mentioned above.
2. Hopefully I will be able to tweek a few things in the kitchen with very little money.
3. Next we'll be painting and vinyl lettering The Pea's room.
4. The kids' bathroom comes next-painting the wall and decorative painting a baseboard border (it'll all make sense later). We might throw some vinyl letters in there too!
5. Moving on to The Princess's room. No money for BIG changes here, but there's some crafts I've been wanting to make for it.
6. At some point I'd really like to change up the frames and pictures in my Living Room.
7. I'd also really like to do something fun in my laundry room. If I have to be in there why not make it purty!

Maybe If I keep myself busy I will not think so much about depression, I will be home more and shop less (except for needed project supplies) and I will be happier with the little things that bug me around here. It's funny what you notice when you are a stay-at-home mom with a tendency to hyper-decorate and perfectionistic tendencies!

P.S. i may not blog for the next day or two while I sew my little heart out. Just thought i'd let ya know because I know you all wait with baited breath each day to check my blog!

So after I wrote yesterday's post I've been thinking a lot about depression and how it affects me. I don't know if it's the same for others (I'm not them after all) but for me it takes away my enthusiasm and the ability to see the good in life and leaves guilt and confusion and sadness in it's place. Let me explain...When I am having a relapse I can logically see all the good in my life. I have been so blessed with a comfortable life and great kids and an incredible husband. We have good health, a good job, and family and friends that support us. Here's where I get confused and sad and guilty. If I have all of those things then why am I so sad all the time? I know I have a great life so what is my problem? Why can't I just count my many blessings, buck up and be happy? What is wrong with me that I think that if I just have a new this or a better that I will be happy? Why can't I just find the energy to do something I enjoy? I feel so guilty knowing that I have so much and I can't seem to pull myself out of the funk! Then come the tears. Tears of frustration, tears of fear (that I'll never beat this stupid thing), tears for sometimes no reason at all! Then I'm just tired. It's amazing how completely impossible it feels to just put in a load of laundry or read a book to my baby. Anyone who has never suffered from depression can't understand. Years ago, when I was in the middle of Post-Partum depression at it's worst, The Hubster stayed with The Princess one evening. When I came home that night he said to me, "It's weird. After you left I got so tired and just felt 'blah'. All I wanted to do was lay on the floor and it was almost physically impossible for me to get up or do anything at all with the baby. I just wanted her to leave me alone and I couldn't seem to do anything!" That in a nutshell is depression. That experience was an answer to my prayers that night. I had never been able to tell him how I really felt and he had just gotten a little taste!

It's funny, like I mentioned yesterday, I've had problems with depression since I was very young. I saw my first real counselor for self-esteem issues in 2nd grade and my first therapist in Jr. High. I always came out of it though and was a pretty cheerful person. In High School if I wasn't simply smiling in the hall someone would ask me what was wrong!  The depression hit hard after I got married (stupid birth-control), I was no longer the cheerful happy go lucky my husband had known. Then it swallowed me when I had The Princess. Even thinking about that darkness is hard for me. I would beg The Hubster not to go to work because I didn't want to be alone with the baby. Not because I was afraid I would hurt her or anything (although those thoughts did come sometimes) but because I just didn't have the desire or the energy to take care of her. My mom saved me a lot too back then. I would show up at her house and just say, "I don't want to do this anymore." and she would give me a break. I got drugs and it got better-not gone- but better. It came back on a bit smaller scale with The Pirate but we survived. Now you know why there is such a gap between my two youngest! The thought of going back to that kind of despair was so scary for me. I swore we'd never have another. I have to say though, it didn't come with The Pea. Yeah I got a little blue. I was tired. But there's a definite difference between depression and being blue. Things have been great with her. I have been in a great place, productive, happy, upbeat etc. Then the storm started brewing, I felt it coming. It's funny, when you've lived with depression you know what to look for. It's not cured. You don't get better and have it never come back. It's never been as dark as it was with The Princess but it is grey enough to make things hard. The Hubster is so patient (he's stayed with me thus far after all:). He loves me even when the laundry starts to stack up and the dishes don't get done-again, and I spend more money in my search for that elusive thing that will make it all go away. Soon, the cycle will wind down and things will improve and I will be productive again. The most frustrating thing though is just the search for a medication to help. I am chemically depressed. I have seen numerous therapists who have all told me that I will most likely be on medication for the rest of my life to help regulate my serotonin levels. I'm ok with that. Deep down I wish I could just "snap out of it" but I can't and I've accepted that. What I hate is that I have tried like 6 different "happy pills" over the years and they all work for awhile then plateau and I have to start again. It's very discouraging.  But I have 4 very good reasons in my life to keep trying and try I will! Anyway, this post was another think-out-loud kind of post. A journal entry that my kids can read one day to understand why their mom was a nut case!  I really am so grateful for The Hubster and my kids. The Hubster has stuck by me through some really crappy times. I know it will get better again, it always does. I'm going to go put in some laundry now and consider the day a success!

The Rut.

When my kids have a cold they don't usually say they have "a cold", they say they have "The Cold", like it's the plague or something (makes me laugh every time!). I don't have The Cold but I do seem to be stuck in The Rut. I am bored. I have no motivation. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of things that I should do(laundry, dishes, mopping, vacuuming, changing sheets, washing walls, etc., etc.), just nothing I want to do. I lack passion for really anything right now and I don't know if it is my depression rearing it's ugly head again or a bad attitude or what. But I find myself sitting at the computer too much because it's easy or wandering around aimlessly just trying to make myself get things done and it feels like everything is just too HUGE. Too much work. Too much energy required. Too much thought needed. Ugh! Now that I am typing I realize this is definitely my depression talking. It's amazing how when you are depressed, even moderately, everything feels impossible. Even typing this feels so tiring and that just seems PATHETIC! Then I think about it too much and I start to feel guilty that I will most likely pass on depression through my genes to my kids and that makes me feel even worse. Not to mention I start thinking of all the things about myself that I am not happy with and would change and then I get angry that I am not one of those good-attitude-go-getter types and....Oy Vay! 

 I've been on anti-depressants for 9 years now. I've struggled with depression since I was a kid. I'm not one of those people that minds taking a "happy pill" every day-no personal stigma attached or anything-but I just switched to another because my previous one was starting to let me down and this new one is like the 6th or 7th I've tried and I am frustrated that I can't just be happy without drugs!!! I read all these things about how exercise can help depression so much but when I exercise my bulging disks in my back and my Plantar Fasciitis in my feet make it so painful to move which just discourages me more. 

Complain...complain...complain...

Anyway, this is really just a therapy post for me so I'm sure it was a real snoozer for you :) but if you have any depression busting ideas let me know...

Lots of pictures...

Last week in pictures...

Dr. Seuss Day at school called for Cindy Lou Who hair...

The Pirate (and The Princess) learned how to make scrambled eggs all by themselves...

The Pea experienced MP3s for the first time...

The Pirate wrestled Grandpa WWF style...

The Pirate learned that his idea of playing blocks and The pea's idea of playing blocks are two very different ideas...

...and we celebrated Grandma's birthday with a little surprise party that Grandpa put together...

Throw in a trip to the InstaCare and the Pediatrician for The Pirate's cough that won't quit (it's been going on over a month now), some impressive tantrums from The Pea (resulting in some pretty impressive meltdowns from me), a fun late-night with The Princess's new best friend (I forgot to take pictures) and it was a pretty eventful week. What did you guys do?

Me.

So I figured I would write down some random facts about me since this is our new family journal and all. I know my kids like to hear stories from when I was little and funny things that have happened to me so, why not write them down? 

Let's see...

About 4 years ago I stopped traffic at a very busy major highway intersection to save a mama duck and her 7 ducklings from being reduced to feathers by speeding motorists. Then, after I had herded them to the side of the road, a baby rattlesnake kept trying to take a bite out of one of the babies (no I am NOT making this up!) so I had to use a large piece of stray cardboard to separate it from the duck family and herd them a little farther down until the animal control guy came (whom I had called from a cell phone borrowed from a motorist waiting to turn right) and I made sure he would NOT put them back in the pond they had come from on the other side of the highway.. Yep, The Hubster was beside himself when he found out that I could have been hit by a car all to save that feathered family!

I once made The Hubster stop the car so that I could pick up a cat that had just been hit by a car but was still moving (don't worry I used a towel from the trunk and there were no guts exposed) and we took it to the nearest animal shelter. Despite our heroic efforts the poor thing had too many internal injuries and it's nine lives had to be snuffed out by lethal injection. My kids still remember that day and often ask me to pull over and see if any road kill may still be living...and no, I haven't humored them since.

I have picked up numerous stray dogs off the road and/or wandering around the school/neighborhood and taken them home. I've also taken in numerous cats and kittens, including one that gave birth to kittens while chillin' at our place, (quit rolling your eyes Honey!) and found them good homes. 

**Are you sensing an I-really-love-animals theme here?**

I was once almost accosted in a parking lot by a homeless man. I TRULY believe that I was protected that day by Divine Intervention.

I was also almost abducted by an alien once--no really! Well, he claimed to be an alien anyway. I was working at Baskin Robbins as a teenager and a man sat and paced outside the store for a few minutes then came in. He told me that he was an alien from the planet Zoltar and wanted to know if he could see my palm to look for evidence that I might be an alien too. Oh yeah, I gave him my palm(STUPID!!!!), I was too flustered to think about the rapist/mass murderer he could be. He examined it, told me I was human, and left. Yes, I was working by myself that day and yes I realize how bad that situation could have turned out. Again, Divine Intervention.

One of my most embarrassing moments also happened as a Baskin Robbins employee . I was scooping a cone for a customer (a cute one I might add-I was 15 yrs. old!) and the guy I was working with spilled some water. Oh yeah, you see it coming don't you? I stepped back and the next thing I knew I was flat on my butt (which was much smaller then but anywhooo...) and he was looking over the counter asking if I was ok. I assured him I was and handed him his Orange Sherbet on a Waffle Cone. Yes, it had indeed survived the fall! Look at me and my mad skills!

I almost didn't graduate High School because I sluffed too much (I still have a recurring dream that I'm not going to graduate). Man I HATED Biology!!! Thanks to those who walked me to class to make sure I didn't leave...you know who you are.

I modeled for about 5 minutes when I was 15. Ok, I don't know that you could really consider it real modeling but the lady we worked with considered herself part of the industry. My sweet Dad knew my sister and I could use a boost to our self-esteems so he agreed to pay $900 (if I remember right...) for us to play "let's be models". Looking back I realize that our "careers" wouldn't have gone anywhere but it was fun to consider ourselves models for a little while. Well, it was fun when you weren't doing an outdoor photo shoot while strange men walked by ogling you....yuk. The most important thing I learned though was how much my Dad loved me and wanted me to feel good about myself.  Love you Dad!

(Wow! Digital photography sure has improved things over the years. Man, posting these pictures is even more embarrassing than I thought it would be!!!!)

I waited for a missionary...sort of...ok, not very well. No, it wasn't The Hubster.

I once went for a drive up a canyon with my High School boyfriend and we got bottomed out on a snow drift (it was April for crying out loud!) and thought for sure we would have to spend the night there. After we had settled into the back of my oh-so-stylish station wagon (my first car--named Prudence), wrapped in my faux sheepskin seat covers (separate covers...what kind of girl do you think I was?!) because we were that resourceful, a big old truck came around the corner and pulled us off of the drift. We were actually a bit disappointed seeing as we had missed our 15 minutes of fame that would surely have come when the news vans arrived the next morning after we had been reported missing and then found! Not to mention, when I finally arrived home my mother was angry that I was so late. If only she would have known how close she came to losing her beloved daughter to hypothermia that night...*dramatic sigh*

When I was around 11 my dad accidentally ran over my foot with the car. The thing that stands out most in my mind about that night his seeing him throw his orange/vanilla twist cone (Remember those? At McDonalds?) in the trash because he couldn't eat anymore because he felt so bad. No broken bones, a good scrub and nurses picking gravel out of it in the ER for awhile then sending me home wrapped in gauze. After that we always made sure that everybody's feet were safely in the car before backing out... 

I once saved my sister from drowning (not funny--but still a life story). She was about 5 yrs. so I was around 8 yrs. and we were swimming at a neighbor's house in their above ground pool (Ummm...No parents around? I'm just sayin'...). I still remember turning around and seeing her floaty ring floating there on top of the water and she wasn't in it. I looked down in the water and there she was. I don't know how my scrawny 8 yr. old self picked her up and carried her up the ladder, across the backyard to her towel and laid her down, but that's what I did (more Divine Intervention? I think so!). She must not have been under long because she coughed a bit and then was fine. We were both pretty shaken up though and I remember we ran home to warm up in showers. Honestly, had I lost her that day, my life would be infinitely different since she is my bestest friend now!

 Just so you know...we are definitely just as immature and strange much more dignified and refined now than we were in this picture!

When I was around 5 or 6 yrs. old I had a, um, "accident" in my Aunt's bean bag chair and didn't tell her. Wonder where they thought the water came from? Yeah, I know. Too much information...

I've ripped the driver side mirror off of our car while backing out of the garage and backed into my babysitter's Dad's car (again---SO SORRY!). Moral of the story: NEVER PARK BEHIND ME!

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Well, that's probably enough personal humiliation for today. Thanks for laughing at me with me over my blunders. What's your most embarrassing moment?