Back from the sand and sun...LOTS OF PICS!

So I have a confession to make...the pillows haven't even been started yet. I tried to pack to much into a couple of weeks and something had to give. One of the things that kept me busy was packing. Last Thursday morning we left for sunny New Port, Beach CA! The Hubster's father has a condo there with Marriot and he gave us a certificate good for a 4 day stay for a really good rate-the catch-we had to listen to the sales pitch while there. Well, considering we have wanted to take the kids to Disneyland and Sea World for like the last 4 or 5 years and we always have a reason not to, we jumped at this chance! We flew out on Thursday on separate flights (due to a free plane ticket from a friend). The Hubster took The Pirate on a 9:50 flight and I took the girls at 12:15 that afternoon. My sweet Dad gave us girls a ride to the airport so that when we all flew home together we could ride in the same car. So, can I just say that it is such a pain to get through security with a toddler and a stroller that has multiple carry-ons stuck in and on it? Take out the bags, take off the shoes, fold up the stroller, stuff it all through the machine, get reminded by less than friendly airport attendant that baby's shoes must be removed...remove them, go through metal detector, turn around and take off belt, go back through, lug stupid heavy stroller off of conveyor belt, watch things stack up around it, put shoes on, stuff bags back in stroller, wrestle baby back into stroller while she screeches like I'm killing her, put baby's shoes back on, almost walk off without belt, grab belt and put it on, walk away sweating like I had just worked out...RIDICULOUS! All I can say is thank heavens The Princess is old enough to worry about her own things! Not to mention, The Princess was such a help with her baby sister while we waited for our flight. The flight itself wasn't too bad. It was jam packed so there wasn't much room for The Pea to stretch out when she was getting tired towards the last half-hour but she didn't cause too much of a scene. The guy next us was kind enough to reply all 10 times that the The Pea said "Hi" to him and my sister's portable DVD player with Elmo's World sure came in handy...although she pushed the buttons more than anything, but entertainment is entertainment right? Anyway, our little family was reunited at the airport, both kids having enjoyed their first airplane rides, and The Pea fell asleep within two minutes of being laid back in her stroller. We got our rental car and headed on to the land of the Rich and Richer. We had been told that the condos were 5-star but they were even better than we had imagined. When we pulled up we felt like celebrities! Palm trees, fountains, outrageously expensive cars, beautiful pools and a breathtaking view of the ocean. Ahhhh...I could totally get used to that lifestyle! I'll leave you with pictures of our condo and grounds. I'll post over this week about our other adventures...get ready for LOTS of pictures!

Honestly it was all so beautiful and amazing! It was hard to leave the beautiful surroundings and head back to the Utah cold. Next post...... Disneyland!

No pillows yet but....

No, my pillows are not done but I was really excited about how some scrapbook pages turned out and I just had to show you all! 

Cute right? That's all...

Project #1

Yes-I left the string on there for photographic drama...

So I've decided to make new couch pillows for my Family Room. My current pillows are fraying and flat and have been bugging me for months and I am to the point I can barely stand looking at them now! Not to mention just two pillows on an entire full size sofa looks kinda measly but when I originally made these pillows I could only afford enough fabric for two pillows on the sofa and two for the love seat (and yes, both sets of pillows are the same). This week I bought the fabric and trim and I'm going to attempt to make envelope style covers so that I can use them to cover the current pillows and also be able to take the covers off to wash when needed (very important with kids!). I have decided to take all of you on the decorating ride with me because it could turn out to be rather amusing as I learn by trial and error how to sew trim on. I've made easy peasy pillows before (sew four sides and stuff ya know?) but trim could turn out to be my downfall! Those who know me know that I am a home decorating enthusiast (I even did home staging and decorating professionally for a while before The Pea) and I am always changing things up around here. I rearrange things on at least a weekly (sometimes daily) basis. The Hubster never knows what he'll find when he gets home! The problem is there are always little projects that I put off and before I know it 6 months have passed and that project's supplies have been sitting there unused in a plastic sack somewhere. Yup-I'm a procrastinator! So here's a list of what to expect in the coming months:

1. We'll start with the pillows mentioned above.
2. Hopefully I will be able to tweek a few things in the kitchen with very little money.
3. Next we'll be painting and vinyl lettering The Pea's room.
4. The kids' bathroom comes next-painting the wall and decorative painting a baseboard border (it'll all make sense later). We might throw some vinyl letters in there too!
5. Moving on to The Princess's room. No money for BIG changes here, but there's some crafts I've been wanting to make for it.
6. At some point I'd really like to change up the frames and pictures in my Living Room.
7. I'd also really like to do something fun in my laundry room. If I have to be in there why not make it purty!

Maybe If I keep myself busy I will not think so much about depression, I will be home more and shop less (except for needed project supplies) and I will be happier with the little things that bug me around here. It's funny what you notice when you are a stay-at-home mom with a tendency to hyper-decorate and perfectionistic tendencies!

P.S. i may not blog for the next day or two while I sew my little heart out. Just thought i'd let ya know because I know you all wait with baited breath each day to check my blog!

So after I wrote yesterday's post I've been thinking a lot about depression and how it affects me. I don't know if it's the same for others (I'm not them after all) but for me it takes away my enthusiasm and the ability to see the good in life and leaves guilt and confusion and sadness in it's place. Let me explain...When I am having a relapse I can logically see all the good in my life. I have been so blessed with a comfortable life and great kids and an incredible husband. We have good health, a good job, and family and friends that support us. Here's where I get confused and sad and guilty. If I have all of those things then why am I so sad all the time? I know I have a great life so what is my problem? Why can't I just count my many blessings, buck up and be happy? What is wrong with me that I think that if I just have a new this or a better that I will be happy? Why can't I just find the energy to do something I enjoy? I feel so guilty knowing that I have so much and I can't seem to pull myself out of the funk! Then come the tears. Tears of frustration, tears of fear (that I'll never beat this stupid thing), tears for sometimes no reason at all! Then I'm just tired. It's amazing how completely impossible it feels to just put in a load of laundry or read a book to my baby. Anyone who has never suffered from depression can't understand. Years ago, when I was in the middle of Post-Partum depression at it's worst, The Hubster stayed with The Princess one evening. When I came home that night he said to me, "It's weird. After you left I got so tired and just felt 'blah'. All I wanted to do was lay on the floor and it was almost physically impossible for me to get up or do anything at all with the baby. I just wanted her to leave me alone and I couldn't seem to do anything!" That in a nutshell is depression. That experience was an answer to my prayers that night. I had never been able to tell him how I really felt and he had just gotten a little taste!

It's funny, like I mentioned yesterday, I've had problems with depression since I was very young. I saw my first real counselor for self-esteem issues in 2nd grade and my first therapist in Jr. High. I always came out of it though and was a pretty cheerful person. In High School if I wasn't simply smiling in the hall someone would ask me what was wrong!  The depression hit hard after I got married (stupid birth-control), I was no longer the cheerful happy go lucky my husband had known. Then it swallowed me when I had The Princess. Even thinking about that darkness is hard for me. I would beg The Hubster not to go to work because I didn't want to be alone with the baby. Not because I was afraid I would hurt her or anything (although those thoughts did come sometimes) but because I just didn't have the desire or the energy to take care of her. My mom saved me a lot too back then. I would show up at her house and just say, "I don't want to do this anymore." and she would give me a break. I got drugs and it got better-not gone- but better. It came back on a bit smaller scale with The Pirate but we survived. Now you know why there is such a gap between my two youngest! The thought of going back to that kind of despair was so scary for me. I swore we'd never have another. I have to say though, it didn't come with The Pea. Yeah I got a little blue. I was tired. But there's a definite difference between depression and being blue. Things have been great with her. I have been in a great place, productive, happy, upbeat etc. Then the storm started brewing, I felt it coming. It's funny, when you've lived with depression you know what to look for. It's not cured. You don't get better and have it never come back. It's never been as dark as it was with The Princess but it is grey enough to make things hard. The Hubster is so patient (he's stayed with me thus far after all:). He loves me even when the laundry starts to stack up and the dishes don't get done-again, and I spend more money in my search for that elusive thing that will make it all go away. Soon, the cycle will wind down and things will improve and I will be productive again. The most frustrating thing though is just the search for a medication to help. I am chemically depressed. I have seen numerous therapists who have all told me that I will most likely be on medication for the rest of my life to help regulate my serotonin levels. I'm ok with that. Deep down I wish I could just "snap out of it" but I can't and I've accepted that. What I hate is that I have tried like 6 different "happy pills" over the years and they all work for awhile then plateau and I have to start again. It's very discouraging.  But I have 4 very good reasons in my life to keep trying and try I will! Anyway, this post was another think-out-loud kind of post. A journal entry that my kids can read one day to understand why their mom was a nut case!  I really am so grateful for The Hubster and my kids. The Hubster has stuck by me through some really crappy times. I know it will get better again, it always does. I'm going to go put in some laundry now and consider the day a success!

The Rut.

When my kids have a cold they don't usually say they have "a cold", they say they have "The Cold", like it's the plague or something (makes me laugh every time!). I don't have The Cold but I do seem to be stuck in The Rut. I am bored. I have no motivation. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of things that I should do(laundry, dishes, mopping, vacuuming, changing sheets, washing walls, etc., etc.), just nothing I want to do. I lack passion for really anything right now and I don't know if it is my depression rearing it's ugly head again or a bad attitude or what. But I find myself sitting at the computer too much because it's easy or wandering around aimlessly just trying to make myself get things done and it feels like everything is just too HUGE. Too much work. Too much energy required. Too much thought needed. Ugh! Now that I am typing I realize this is definitely my depression talking. It's amazing how when you are depressed, even moderately, everything feels impossible. Even typing this feels so tiring and that just seems PATHETIC! Then I think about it too much and I start to feel guilty that I will most likely pass on depression through my genes to my kids and that makes me feel even worse. Not to mention I start thinking of all the things about myself that I am not happy with and would change and then I get angry that I am not one of those good-attitude-go-getter types and....Oy Vay! 

 I've been on anti-depressants for 9 years now. I've struggled with depression since I was a kid. I'm not one of those people that minds taking a "happy pill" every day-no personal stigma attached or anything-but I just switched to another because my previous one was starting to let me down and this new one is like the 6th or 7th I've tried and I am frustrated that I can't just be happy without drugs!!! I read all these things about how exercise can help depression so much but when I exercise my bulging disks in my back and my Plantar Fasciitis in my feet make it so painful to move which just discourages me more. 

Complain...complain...complain...

Anyway, this is really just a therapy post for me so I'm sure it was a real snoozer for you :) but if you have any depression busting ideas let me know...