Becoming a Domestic Goddess...

So after I wrote yesterday's post I've been thinking a lot about depression and how it affects me. I don't know if it's the same for others (I'm not them after all) but for me it takes away my enthusiasm and the ability to see the good in life and leaves guilt and confusion and sadness in it's place. Let me explain...When I am having a relapse I can logically see all the good in my life. I have been so blessed with a comfortable life and great kids and an incredible husband. We have good health, a good job, and family and friends that support us. Here's where I get confused and sad and guilty. If I have all of those things then why am I so sad all the time? I know I have a great life so what is my problem? Why can't I just count my many blessings, buck up and be happy? What is wrong with me that I think that if I just have a new this or a better that I will be happy? Why can't I just find the energy to do something I enjoy? I feel so guilty knowing that I have so much and I can't seem to pull myself out of the funk! Then come the tears. Tears of frustration, tears of fear (that I'll never beat this stupid thing), tears for sometimes no reason at all! Then I'm just tired. It's amazing how completely impossible it feels to just put in a load of laundry or read a book to my baby. Anyone who has never suffered from depression can't understand. Years ago, when I was in the middle of Post-Partum depression at it's worst, The Hubster stayed with The Princess one evening. When I came home that night he said to me, "It's weird. After you left I got so tired and just felt 'blah'. All I wanted to do was lay on the floor and it was almost physically impossible for me to get up or do anything at all with the baby. I just wanted her to leave me alone and I couldn't seem to do anything!" That in a nutshell is depression. That experience was an answer to my prayers that night. I had never been able to tell him how I really felt and he had just gotten a little taste!

It's funny, like I mentioned yesterday, I've had problems with depression since I was very young. I saw my first real counselor for self-esteem issues in 2nd grade and my first therapist in Jr. High. I always came out of it though and was a pretty cheerful person. In High School if I wasn't simply smiling in the hall someone would ask me what was wrong!  The depression hit hard after I got married (stupid birth-control), I was no longer the cheerful happy go lucky my husband had known. Then it swallowed me when I had The Princess. Even thinking about that darkness is hard for me. I would beg The Hubster not to go to work because I didn't want to be alone with the baby. Not because I was afraid I would hurt her or anything (although those thoughts did come sometimes) but because I just didn't have the desire or the energy to take care of her. My mom saved me a lot too back then. I would show up at her house and just say, "I don't want to do this anymore." and she would give me a break. I got drugs and it got better-not gone- but better. It came back on a bit smaller scale with The Pirate but we survived. Now you know why there is such a gap between my two youngest! The thought of going back to that kind of despair was so scary for me. I swore we'd never have another. I have to say though, it didn't come with The Pea. Yeah I got a little blue. I was tired. But there's a definite difference between depression and being blue. Things have been great with her. I have been in a great place, productive, happy, upbeat etc. Then the storm started brewing, I felt it coming. It's funny, when you've lived with depression you know what to look for. It's not cured. You don't get better and have it never come back. It's never been as dark as it was with The Princess but it is grey enough to make things hard. The Hubster is so patient (he's stayed with me thus far after all:). He loves me even when the laundry starts to stack up and the dishes don't get done-again, and I spend more money in my search for that elusive thing that will make it all go away. Soon, the cycle will wind down and things will improve and I will be productive again. The most frustrating thing though is just the search for a medication to help. I am chemically depressed. I have seen numerous therapists who have all told me that I will most likely be on medication for the rest of my life to help regulate my serotonin levels. I'm ok with that. Deep down I wish I could just "snap out of it" but I can't and I've accepted that. What I hate is that I have tried like 6 different "happy pills" over the years and they all work for awhile then plateau and I have to start again. It's very discouraging.  But I have 4 very good reasons in my life to keep trying and try I will! Anyway, this post was another think-out-loud kind of post. A journal entry that my kids can read one day to understand why their mom was a nut case!  I really am so grateful for The Hubster and my kids. The Hubster has stuck by me through some really crappy times. I know it will get better again, it always does. I'm going to go put in some laundry now and consider the day a success!