My Favorite Things...

Just for laughs...

Antidepressants and cold chocolate cake

Chilled Diet Coke and meals I didn't make

Big shiny gems on my cute silver rings

These are a few of my favorite things...

Cheese on my fries and a dark shade of red

Reading a book before going to bed

A really hot guy on the White Collar series

These are a few of my favorite things...

When the kids fight

And when Matt's right

I get really mad!

I'll simply remember my favorite things 

And then I won't feel...

So bad! 

P.S. I love you honey-not my favorite criminal...don't worry!

But ya gotta admit...he is kinda cute!





       

I'm Tired...

Today's one of those days. You know the ones. Where you feel worn out, discouraged, unmotivated? I feel like I am always 2 (or 27) steps behind where I should be as a mother, a wife, a homemaker. I feel like our family has little direction as far as goals and routines and traditions. I feel like my life is a never ending cycle of laundry and dishes etc...and complaining that I get no help with any of it.

My kids (and Matt and I at times too) watch too much TV and eat too much junk food and don't get enough exercise or do enough work or constructive activities. It's hard to balance the letting them just be kids part with the learning and teaching them to work part, ya know? I want them to better recognize their talents and do more things to refine them and serve others with them (and I want to work on mine too!). I want them to know how to clean the bathroom right the first time...and do it!

I've kind of lost enthusiasm for the spiritual side of things in the last year or so also, and have not attended church as often as I should. I have let my habits of regular prayer and scripture study go and have therefore not encouraged my children as I should to pursue their own habits in these areas. It's not that I don't believe in my religion anymore, it's just that I have become well, to be honest, lazy.

So how does one change all this? How do I change not only myself, but help guide my entire family towards growth? I don't like change you know. I like to stay right where I am, where it's comfortable, and I think my kids have inherited that from me. On the other hand, Matt is very goal oriented and it probably drives him crazy that I lack ambition and stick-to-it-ivness (yep, I made that one up). The problem is, he is rarely home during the week and therefore I am the one that has to find the drive to enforce any knew routines, habits, or projects that need to happen in order to get our family where I would like us to be. *sigh*




But I am tired.


And change is hard.

Pickin' Feathers Outta My Teeth...

So remember how my son got a teacher that nobody seems to say anything good about? Well yesterday the school called and said that Thomas could finally change teachers. Even  though things had been going well I decided to still take them up on the offer. When Thomas got home I told him and he kinda freaked out. He told me that he really liked his teacher and didn't want to change. I thought about it all night and really just kept going back to the thought that really I just want him to be happy. I also thought about how I can't always rescue him from different personalities in life. In the end I decided that he should just stay where he is if it's really where he wants to be. The hard part though was that now I had to go back to Marilyn (one of the office ladies) and inform her that although I had caused a mini ruckus about him being in that class and called to check on how far he had to go on the waiting list just a few days ago, now I wanted him to stay. So I drove the kids to school today, threw Em in the stroller and marched in to eat a little crow. Marilyn was coming out the front doors when we walked up to the front doors and I explained what had happened and told her that we would be staying with T's teacher after all. She was happy that all was well and told us that she had already told both teachers about the change and his stuff had been moved to the new class. She told me that I would need to go inform his teacher that he would be staying after all so they could get his things back. Oh, I'm sorry, did I just say I would eat a little crow? I meant a GIANT one! Now I had to go face his teacher who now knew that I didn't want him in her class and apologize for thinking badly of her...GULP!

Through the halls we walked with me praying inside for courage to apologize. I HATE confrontation of any kind and I especially hate hurting others' feelings and I felt awful that I had listened to gossip. Really though, for all I know she's still going to turn into a wicked witch after a few months of this and I was just trying to protect my little duckling from having his enthusiasm for school crushed...but, I digress. So, through the halls we went on our way to my feathered snack. When we walked in she greeted us with a smile and I told her that Thomas has loved her so far and would really like to stay in her class. I told her that I had listened to gossip and had worried when I heard that her personality and Thomas' personality together would be well, somewhat explosive and not a good combination. I apologized for judging her without really getting to know her and thanked her for the effort she has put in as a teacher to make her classroom a fun place for kids. She thanked me and told me that she knew about the things people were saying about her (ouch!) and that she has really tried to make the necessary changes to make her classroom a pleasant place and explained that when she had first started teaching 2nd grade three years ago, her family had been going through some significant trials and were also in the process of moving while she was trying to adjust to teaching a new grade. She was under a lot of stress and admits that it was not a good year. She said last year was great and hopes this one will be even better. She's sad that some people still judge her from that first year. Honestly, I don't know what to think but I feel bad that I judged her. I feel bad that I didn't just give her a chance in spite of the gossip. Oh well, I guess the mama bear in me was just trying to protect her cub. It's hard to just chalk it up to experience for him when you know it may not be a good one. I guess if nothing else it was a good opportunity for my kids to see that I can admit when I'm wrong and I can apologize to someone when I have misjudged them.

Well, there you have it. He's staying. I've learned a valuable lesson and maybe, so have my kids. So next time you see me and wonder what those black things are in between my teeth you'll know that they're bits of crow feathers, and although that bird didn't feel good goin' down, I'm still alive and a better person for it. Now, I'm gonna go find me a toothpick...bye!

Confessions of a Shop-aholic...

In the past you have been privy to my inner most thoughts and confessions from my dark side, such as my addictions to Diet Coke and Ben and Jerry's, and today's post will be no exception. I feel I should lie on my couch as I type this and picture a Freudian like therapist taking notes and figuring out how it all relates back to my mother...Anyway, lets talk a little less about psychotherapy and a little more about retail therapy. I shop. A lot. Too much really. And I am good at it!  I love to find a good sale or bargain, clearance racks...well, they...complete me. My poor husband has thus far been quite patient with my somewhat expensive form of self-help, but to be honest, it bothers me. I mean I know it bothers him too. He doesn't yell at me or berate me over it but I know it bothers him. But I don't know that he knows that it bothers me too (maybe we should both lie on a couch?), and that all kidding aside, it makes me feel weak and selfish and stressed. I don't just go spend money just to spend it. It starts because I need to get out of the house because I am going stir-crazy with a toddler climbing all over me and screaming at the top of her lungs when I can't figure out what the heck she wants. At that moment Target starts calling my name. There they have Diet Coke (said with reverence) and popcorn to occupy the Little One. There are adults to talk to that know me now (sad but true) and we talk about our kids and can actually communicate with one another. They have toys there to entertain the Munchkin, toys that she's never seen before and because of that they actually hold her attention for more than 30 seconds and I don't have to entertain her or try to decipher "toddler speak" while she plays with them. But the part that traps me, that sucks me in, is the outfit that will make me like how I look again if I buy it. The home decor that will make me feel happy and make me want to stay at home all day just to look at it. The workout DVD that is different this time, I'll actually use this one (really!) and lose all that weight that I hate carrying around so much. The jewelry that, hanging from my ears or around my neck or adorning my fingers, will make me feel beautiful again. There's the cooking gadgets that will make me all of the sudden love cooking and the cleaning items that will make me magically want to clean. There's the make-up that will make my skin look like a model's or the one toy or game that the kids don't have that will suddenly entertain them for hours on end and cure the endless arguments and bouts of boredom. Oh, and the shoes! Don't even get me started on shoes...

The funny thing is, I know all of that is a lie.

I'm a smart chick. I know that none of this stuff is going to make me the person I really want to be. Most of the time it's just more clutter that I have to find a place for or stuff I may never end up wearing. It just made me feel excited to have something new, and hopeful that it would be the one thing that would make me feel beautiful, successful, fulfilled, you name it. The part I hate though is that I actually live quite a charmed life and I don't feel content a lot of the time. My kids are healthy, my handsome husband works hard and loves me (and my stretch marks), our home is beautiful, we have reliable cars and food to eat (even if I HATE cooking it) so why am I not fulfilled? It's not that I want to go get a job, although I do miss feeling like something I do is worth paying for. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything and I'll be the first to admit that I have really great kids! Why can't I just stay home each day, seeing as I am a stay-at-home mom, and plan fun educational activities for my kids and bake bread and make delicious, nutritious meals and sing while I do dishes and laundry and feel content? Ok, that was a little much but you get the picture.

Please don't misunderstand. I don't hate my life. I'm sure it sounds like it but for the most part I really am happy. I just feel like sometimes I am never going to be successful at this mother/homemaker thing and it gets discouraging. I just don't want to keep trying to shop my issues away because it's not helping anyone, especially me. Well, once again I was probably too honest today and I hope you don't think less of me because of it. Of course, if you're still coming back for more after some of my other posts than I'll just chalk you up as a real friend and maybe we can go shopping together one of these days!



P.S. Next time you're at Target tell the girl at the snack counter that Misty sent you!

Saving My Sanity...

So it's been a little while since we've talked...sorry about that. I have to admit that the last week or two have been extremely trying for me. I forgot how hard it is to have a toddler around all day. My baby girl will be two at the end of this month and she has become quite a handful! I feel like she follows me around all day long trying to find as many ways as she can to drive me CRAZY! Many days it feels like she starts whining from the minute she wakes up in the morning to the minute she goes to bed at night. She has perfected an ear-splitting scream filled tantrum and shows it off multiple times a day. She has decided that if she does not get what she wants when she wants it she will let me know of her extreme dissatisfaction with me in no uncertain terms! Honestly, many days, I feel like I am two steps away from walking out that door and never coming back (or like throwing my own tantrum). I keep trying to tell myself that this too shall pass but when you're in the thick of it that doesn't seem to help much! I miss my sweet baby girl that was so peaceful and calm...

I do have to say though that my husband and two older kids are AMAZING! My kids see when I am at the end of my rope and come to my rescue by taking Em aside and playing with her. The other day Madison watched her the whole time we were at the park so that I could sit and chat with my sister. Thomas is so good at entertaining her too. He makes her laugh like nobody's business and he is her favorite jumping buddy on the trampoline (and believe me-she ALWAYS wants to be on the "Peen"). It is so sweet to see the love that they have for their baby sister...even though she drives them crazy sometimes too! Bless my dear sweet husband also. He comes home after long days at work and steps right in, sometimes with me in tears behind him, and gives Em his enthusiastic attention when I have no enthusiasm left. He picks up the whirlwind that has hit the house, throws in some laundry, does some dishes and doesn't complain when I ditch him to go for a Girls' Night. Honestly, right now I feel kind of useless. He does SO much to pick up everything that falls apart around me all day long.

I feel like I am empty. Like I have nothing left to give. Do you ever feel that way? I know this is a hard time. I know that this will pass and that I will miss this cute toddler stage, because yes, sometimes she is darn cute! But right now I am just trying to keep my head above water. I've noticed though that I feel better on the days that we get out and do something. If we stay home all day long I feel like I am going insane! The other day I took the kids to the mall (and left my camera in the car-darnit!) and we played at the Dinosaur Playland and rode the train and the carousel and had lunch and it was SO much fun! It was also like $60 after all was said and done. We've done lots of fun things this week (which I'll be posting about in the coming week) and it's really helped my overall mood but I've also spent too much money. I need to find much cheaper things to do that will get us out of the house and still entertain the kids. Any ideas?

Anyhoo, I guess it's probably better that I didn't post in the last week or so...in my frame of mind it wouldn't have been pretty! But I have some posts in the works now so come back and visit and I'll try to get back to updating more often.




P.S. I've decided to allow anonymous comments for those who don't have a google account so if you haven't been able to leave one before due to a lack of Gmail account, feel free to do it now...

My drug of choice....

I love am addicted to Diet Coke. I'm not kidding. I usually start the day with a McDonald's run for a 32oz. (because McDonald's has the BEST Diet Coke EVER! Really! Not all Diet Coke is the same you know.), then I usually get another one around lunch time and I continue to drink more at home throughout the day (in between all that I am lucky if I drink one, maybe two, glasses of water all day). Most days I consume around 44 oz.- 60 oz.-WAY TOO MUCH! I drink it with caffeine and without because I've had heart palpitations in the past and had doctors tell me I needed to cut back on the caffeine. I have read all the articles on how bad aspartame is (it's been shown to cause a whole slew of bad stuff from depression (hmmm...) to ALS to MS to memory problems (again, hmmm...), to weight gain (yeah...let's blame Diet Coke-not my donut addiction) to vision problems etc.) and I still drink it. I've been drinking it since High School when I would get a can in the morning before class, another at lunch and another before I left for home. After High School I quit for a few years and then one night I got a Diet Coke at a restaurant and it all came back, like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. At this point it is a true addiction, my drug of choice. I crave it! If I don't have any I can't stop thinking about it and when I finally get some I savor the first few sips as they run down my throat. Mmmmm...  For me Diet Coke isn't just a drink, it's an experience. It's a an indulgence when I don't have money to shop (I get one everytime before I shop too). It's my coffee when I need to wake up (although the caffeine doesn't seem to affect me anymore. The bubbles are what do it for me...I crave the carbonation!). It's an appetite suppressant when I don't have time to eat. It's the feel of the plastic cup in my hand and the straw between my lips. It's the coolness and bubbles on a sore throat or an upset stomach when I am sick. It's the perfect compliment to any meal, pancakes at Village Inn, a burger at Chiles, fajitas at Cafe Rio. It's my non-alcoholic tonic when the kids are drivin' me to drink. Honestly, it's my woobie (Mr. Mom anyone?).

Seriously. I need help.

So, I've decided it's time to kick the habit. The Diet Coke demons need to be exorcised! I've tried before. I have to stop cold turkey this time because in the past I have tried to ween myself slowly and I always end up back where I started when even a sip crosses my shameful lips. So, starting tomorrow (I can't start today because I just finished my first 32 oz. from Mickey-D's...the shame!) I will be a recovering Diet Coke-aholic. I'm putting up one of those cutesy little countdown thinga-majigers on this here blog so that you all can see how many days I remain sober (or how many days I don't....I'm such a pessimist!). The only problem is I've heard that in order to kick a habit you have to replace it with another. What's my replacement? I don't like juice. I don't drink coffee. I don't drink alcohol. Plain water is not high up on my list of favorites. Gum has aspartame in it too. Obviously any suggestions would be much appreciated. Maybe after this we'll work on my other addictions like sugar, and shopping.

One thing at a time guys...one thing at a time.

Comparisons

As women we all look at each other and compare ourselves. Why does she look that good after just having had a baby and my baby is almost two and I‘m still in a size 16? Why do her kids always look so polished every time I see them and mine are just lucky to have a clean face, much less expertly styled hair and cutey-patooty clothes? Why does she look cute every time I run into her at the grocery store and I’m always in my sweats and hat? You know you do it. We all do. We’ve all heard the quotes, the Relief Society lessons, the General Conference talks on not comparing ourselves and yet we do it still. I suppose it’s human. I’m not going to tell you not to do it because I know it won’t change things. We start comparing when we are 4 or 5 yrs. old and we will do it till’ the day we die. It is something that women are famous for.  I remember when my oldest daughter was about four we were at Kmart and she pointed to a woman down the aisle and said, “Mom? How come your bum is so much bigger than her’s?”  Isn’t she sweet?!  I remember in that moment I pasted on a fake smile, gave a fake laugh and said dryly, “Because I’ve had two almost 10 lb. babies and I’m still recovering.” Of course, my youngest at the time was almost two so that wasn’t a valid excuse. The woman down the aisle either didn’t hear or graciously ignored my delightful child and we went on our way. I remember though, thinking about the comment for weeks after that. I knew my child had not meant any harm by it, she was merely observing, but it hurt all the same. We laugh about it now and unfortunately, add another 10 pounder to the mix, and I have been gifted with yet an even bigger behind than I had that day!

Nowadays Blogland has given us more to compare. Her blog is cuter than mine, she's a better writer than me, she takes better pictures than mine, I can't even get one comment and she has three hundred and twelve! Good Criminy! Why does it have to be so hard to just sit back and like ourselves? I look at women who have insightful things to say about politics and I think, "Man. I am so stupid! I have absolutely nothing to say about healthcare nor do I really have any interest in learning about it  at this time in my life (and really what would it change anyway?). She must be such an interesting, brilliant person, unlike me!" I look at the photographers I admire and I think, " I will never be that good! Why can't my photos look like that?" I read some blogs that are so articulate and make everything sound magical and poetic and I think of how clunky my posts must sound in comparison.

In my mind I know that I shouldn't compare. I am not that person and I know they have challenges and insecurities and trials just like me. So why do we do it? More importantly how do we stop? Do you really think we can, as women, stop comparing--or is it an unrealistic expectation? At this point in my life I think it may be impossible. What I would like to learn is how to stop my own negative internal dialogue and accept the fact that I am who I am and I am going to keep comparing myself, because it's just what I do. Instead of allowing those comparisons to negatively impact me I would like to learn how to turn them into positive motivations to better myself. Does that make sense? For instance, why can't I take that photography comparison that once made me feel discouraged and let it motivate me instead to study and practice and learn from that person. Instead of being jealous of someone else's writing style, why not enjoy it and use it as motivation to better my own? Sounds easier than it really is but I'm definitely going to work on it. Who knows, if I work on it hard enough maybe one day I'll be the one with the smaller backside!

A moment of weakness...

Remember this post about breaking up with my long time loves Ben and Jerry? Well it was bound to happen...I ran into them today. I was pushing The Pea down the freezer aisle at Harmon's and there they were looking every bit as dreamy as I remember. Their cold calculating stare a contrast to the enticing sweetness I knew lay under their chilly exterior. I tried not to fall. I sat and stared at them for a good minute or so, running through the memories of self-loathing after devouring every last bit of their cool creaminess but alas, I was no match for those decadent brothers of frozen treat fame! Suddenly I was back in High School breaking up with and getting back together with the boy I knew was no good for me. Curse my lack of self-control! I'm so ashamed! Next time I will be victorious, I will conquer my frozen treat demons! But for now, I'm going to drown them in "Everything but the..." flavored heaven. Heath Bar and chocolate covered almonds and white chocolate chunks and peanut butter cups in chocolate and vanilla ice cream...I mean really, do you see why I can't resist?

Oh Ben and Jerry, take me away!!!

At the beginning of the school year I signed up at the PTA table to decorate a door for Teacher Appreciation week. Last week I got the phone call informing me it was time. I was assigned the main office door. The problem was I had no idea what to do for it and we hadn't gotten paid yet so I had no money until payday. I have to decorate the door today. We got paid yesterday. That's right, I had one day to figure out what I was doing and get it all assembled and ready to go. So yesterday I spent about 6 hours doing a door decoration that they will leave up for a week and then throw away! Except that I put so much (WAY TOO MUCH) effort into it that I think I will get it back and hang it in my baby's room. Anyway, here's the deal. I feel like a total dork for putting so much into it. Madison says that most people just stick some stuff on there and spell out thank you. I can't ever seem to do things the simple way. I have to come up with some fancy design and go to town and now everyone is going to think I am some kind of over-achiever show-off or something. I like how it turned out but I'm kind of embarrassed to hang it up now. Oh well. Our school secretaries really do deserve a good door though because they are great! They are teachers too, teaching compassion when they are so sweet and always make the kids feel loved, or show concern when they come down to the office sick or hurt and they always smile and ask them how they are doing when they are their for other reasons. Not to mention they are kind to me when I come in and if you have worked with other school's secretaries kindness is not always the case! So, I will hang up my door decoration and I will hold my head high and I will be ok with my own dorkiness because it's all in the name of education!

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

As you have noticed I have buttons on the left side of my blog for what I call my "Blog Babies". These are children who are disabled or sick in one way or another and without knowing them in person I have still fallen in love with them (there have been others who have passed away as well and they're button isn't there anymore.). The Hubster laughs at how attached I get to them. I have been known to sob while reading posts about these babies and when one dies I feel as though I lost someone close to me. The Hubster doesn't understand how I can care so much about a baby/family I have never met. I don't know. Maybe I get attached to people too easily or something. Maybe it's because I am a mother and I know how devastated I would be to watch my child suffer or have to let them go if they passed away.There have been some I have had to quit reading about because it was really getting me down. But there are a few, the ones on the left, that I can't let go of. Sometimes I feel angry. Angry that these beautiful children have to suffer. Most days after I check their blogs I just think, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! There is beautiful Gwendolyn who can't move anything but her fingers, who is trapped inside her little body due to SMA and will die much sooner than she should. There's darling Jonah who suffers through his skin blistering and peeling off and his Mom has to worry about G-tubes and dehydration when he gets a simple cold. Then there's Piper. What a doll! She's never lived at home. Reagan and Jake have to visit their baby in the hospital if they want to see her and she's almost 3! I cried everyday when my newborn was in the hospital for 10 days! There's blue-eyed Lucy who will go eventually go blind, and sweet Mason's family almost lost him because of a bad heart and then he started rejecting his new heart. Cute Karmindy might have to have another heart surgery this summer and Tiny Maggie has some mystery disease and is going downhill everyday because doctors can't figure out what she has. Sweet little Cora (The Macs) passed away after a 17 day battle with cancer before she was even a year old. Now her parents learn to live each day with her absence while loving her new baby brother.

I know this all sounds depressing and you are all wondering why I even read them. The other day when Gwendolyn almost died I asked myself the same thing. I thought about how, as silly as it seems, I will be devastated when she does go. To watch my own baby girl, close to Gwendolyn's age, run and jump and play is hard sometimes when I think of that beautiful little girl who's mind is just as sharp as Em's, but whose body is so broken. It breaks my heart and I thought that maybe I should just stop reading about such sad situations, then I wouldn't have to be there if/when the end comes for any of them. Then I thought of all the times I have thought of these kids when I am fed up with everything. I have learned so much through "getting to know" these families. They remind me each day to love my kids. To not take their health and abilities for granted. They remind me that it can all change so fast and that in a blink, life happens and I could have to live without one of my babies. They have taught me about courage and strength and finding joy despite the circumstance. I admire their parents so much for the tireless love and effort they have to put into each day just to keep their children entertained, or alive and sometimes, to go on without them.

Here's where there's a problem though and it's something I have struggled with most of my life (long before Blogland even existed). I want to know why. And I'm not just talking about my "Blog Babies". I'm talking about abused children around the world and orphans in Russia, and starving babies in Ethiopia and young girls raped and tortured in Africa and on and on and on... Why them and not my kids or me? How could a loving Father in Heaven allow them to suffer? How could he take these beautiful babies away from families who love them so much after they've already had to watch them decline day by day? How could he allow His children to suffer and starve?

Although this post is in no way meant to be religious I cannot help but bring God into it, seeing as I believe in Him, and thereby my personal beliefs. I am a Latter-Day Saint (Mormon). I believe in the Plan of Salvation. I believe we were sent to earth to get a body and be tested and return to Him. I believe that God loves His children and that families can be together forever, even in the life after this one. I believe in free agency and I believe in miracles. But I still don't understand why, or maybe how, He can let them suffer. I know His own Son suffered more than any of us ever could.  I know that there can be no joy without suffering and I know that miracles can only come when there is faith and situations where a miracle is needed. I know all of this in my head, but my heart still wonders why. Honestly, maybe I'll never really understand on a deep level until I meet my Maker. I'm sure it's one of those things I will just have to have faith about and let my very human mind trust in His higher knowledge. I just wish that all of these families could get their miracles and that none of them would have to suffer in order for those around them to have their lives touched because of them.

I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense. I know my posts are usually lighter and more amusing so I hope I didn't bore you with all my "serious talk" today. If any of you have any enlightenment for me on this subject I'd love to hear it.

Thanks.

Much less muchy...

I saw the new "Alice and Wonderland" last week. Have you seen it? There's a part where the Mad Hatter tells Alice that she is the right Alice, she's just not as much 'Alice' as she used to be. "What is that supposed to mean?" she asks. "Just that you are much less muchy than you used to be," he answers. In that moment, in that theater, that resonated with me. I frequently feel like I am much less muchy than the "real" Misty (although The Hubster might tell you I'm a bit too much sometimes!:). I feel like there are so many things I used to be and so many things I want to be and the person I am now is just not enough. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't really recognize the person I see and I wonder how I became this person. I used to feel pretty and smart and fun. I used to have energy and enthusiasm. I used to be more creative and more motivated to accomplish things. Sometimes I feel like a lost cause. I want to change so many things about me and the way I do things and I get so overwhelmed and discouraged and I do nothing. I get so frustrated that things don't get done around here but I can't find the energy or uninterrupted time to get anything done. I know as mothers we all feel discouraged at times doing the same chores and saying the same things over and over but I've reached a whole new level of discouragement lately. I don't want to do any of it--ever again! How do you overcome that discouragement and be productive?  Some days I feel like if I have to do one more load of laundry, or one more batch of dishes, or read the same lift-the-flap book for the 10th time again, I am going to have a nervous breakdown!


I don't know if you noticed but The Pirate and The Pea are about 6 years apart. No The Pea was not an accident, and I've actually quite enjoyed the gap. The other two are such huge helpers with Em that it's made things so much easier this time around. The problem is I forgot how frustrating it is to get anything done or made or cleaned with a toddler around. For years I counted down the days until Thomas started school so that a) I didn't have to play Play-Doh anymore and b) I could get something done in a timely, efficient manner. I know I probably sound like a terrible mother but this is how I feel. It is so frustrating to clean up one mess while The Pea unloads a cupboard across the room ya know? There are so many projects I would like to get done but every time I try she "helps" and it's just more trouble than it's worth. I am a creative person by nature and I miss having the time/energy/freedom to do anything. So lately I find myself completely discouraged and unmotivated and I just don't get anything but the bare minimum done...it's sucking the life out of me! Every night I lay in bed and think of all the things I would like to change about me and how our household runs and how I spend my time with my kids and how I eat and how often I (don't) exercise and blah blah blah....and the next morning it's all the same. I used to have dreams too. I dreamed of owning my own photography, or wedding planning or gift basket business. I was a Home Stager for about a year. It was so fun! People listened to what I had to say and I used my talents in interior decorating and I got paid to shop! The people who bought one of the houses I had decorated liked it so much they actually paid for everything I had put in the house just so they could keep it the way it was! I know that motherhood and homemaking is so much more important than decorating homes but it sure felt good to know that what I had done was appreciated, admired, worth paying for, and stayed done for an extended period of time....and that I was actually doing something I loved.

I know I'm rambling and I probably sound whiny too. I don't mean to. I know how blessed I am to get to stay home each day to manage our home and raise my kids. I just frequently feel like I am in a position that I am extremely under-qualified for and am hopelessly screwing up! *dramatic sigh* Anyway, now that you have been thoroughly uplifted by todays post I will wrap things up with a promise to The Hubster that I will be here when he gets home tonight, and I will not beat the children in his absence, and I will not be curled up in a fetal position in the corner sucking my thumb and twitching when he gets here.


That's all I have to say about that!

Betty Crocker I ain't!

 
I hate HATE cooking. I really enjoy baking, maybe because there is a delectable sweet treat at the end (my rear end really enjoys it too!), but cooking....UGH! Frequently, what I make just doesn't turn out very good. I also don't have the patience for it so I tend to cook it too hot to speed it up and I burn it, or I burn it because I have a toddler hanging on my leg while I am cooking it and I get distracted. Sometimes, when the smoke alarm goes off while Matt is testing it or something, the kids will holler from somewhere else in the house, "Mom! Are you cooking something?" Yeah. Anyway, I would much rather go out every night and let some restaurant chef cook for me, then clean up for me too! I know I sound lazy, maybe I am, but cooking is one aspect of homemaking that I could definitely live without. I've tried to change it, to think of it differently. So here's where you all come in. What do you do when it comes to cooking each day? Do you have a system? A schedule? Do you have chaos and meltdowns while you're cooking(either from you or around you) or do you have a secret I don't know about? Now all you lurkers better comment because I really need some help here (at this point, about an hour before dinner rolls around, I'm hatin' life)....and we're spending way too much on restaurants (although in my defense Cafe Rio tastes WAY better than anything I cook!).

Your Sister in Homemaking,
                           

P.S. While we're on the subject of cookin'... check out my friend Ashlee's new cooking blog. It's way cute and she has some darn good recipes on there!

So after I wrote yesterday's post I've been thinking a lot about depression and how it affects me. I don't know if it's the same for others (I'm not them after all) but for me it takes away my enthusiasm and the ability to see the good in life and leaves guilt and confusion and sadness in it's place. Let me explain...When I am having a relapse I can logically see all the good in my life. I have been so blessed with a comfortable life and great kids and an incredible husband. We have good health, a good job, and family and friends that support us. Here's where I get confused and sad and guilty. If I have all of those things then why am I so sad all the time? I know I have a great life so what is my problem? Why can't I just count my many blessings, buck up and be happy? What is wrong with me that I think that if I just have a new this or a better that I will be happy? Why can't I just find the energy to do something I enjoy? I feel so guilty knowing that I have so much and I can't seem to pull myself out of the funk! Then come the tears. Tears of frustration, tears of fear (that I'll never beat this stupid thing), tears for sometimes no reason at all! Then I'm just tired. It's amazing how completely impossible it feels to just put in a load of laundry or read a book to my baby. Anyone who has never suffered from depression can't understand. Years ago, when I was in the middle of Post-Partum depression at it's worst, The Hubster stayed with The Princess one evening. When I came home that night he said to me, "It's weird. After you left I got so tired and just felt 'blah'. All I wanted to do was lay on the floor and it was almost physically impossible for me to get up or do anything at all with the baby. I just wanted her to leave me alone and I couldn't seem to do anything!" That in a nutshell is depression. That experience was an answer to my prayers that night. I had never been able to tell him how I really felt and he had just gotten a little taste!

It's funny, like I mentioned yesterday, I've had problems with depression since I was very young. I saw my first real counselor for self-esteem issues in 2nd grade and my first therapist in Jr. High. I always came out of it though and was a pretty cheerful person. In High School if I wasn't simply smiling in the hall someone would ask me what was wrong!  The depression hit hard after I got married (stupid birth-control), I was no longer the cheerful happy go lucky my husband had known. Then it swallowed me when I had The Princess. Even thinking about that darkness is hard for me. I would beg The Hubster not to go to work because I didn't want to be alone with the baby. Not because I was afraid I would hurt her or anything (although those thoughts did come sometimes) but because I just didn't have the desire or the energy to take care of her. My mom saved me a lot too back then. I would show up at her house and just say, "I don't want to do this anymore." and she would give me a break. I got drugs and it got better-not gone- but better. It came back on a bit smaller scale with The Pirate but we survived. Now you know why there is such a gap between my two youngest! The thought of going back to that kind of despair was so scary for me. I swore we'd never have another. I have to say though, it didn't come with The Pea. Yeah I got a little blue. I was tired. But there's a definite difference between depression and being blue. Things have been great with her. I have been in a great place, productive, happy, upbeat etc. Then the storm started brewing, I felt it coming. It's funny, when you've lived with depression you know what to look for. It's not cured. You don't get better and have it never come back. It's never been as dark as it was with The Princess but it is grey enough to make things hard. The Hubster is so patient (he's stayed with me thus far after all:). He loves me even when the laundry starts to stack up and the dishes don't get done-again, and I spend more money in my search for that elusive thing that will make it all go away. Soon, the cycle will wind down and things will improve and I will be productive again. The most frustrating thing though is just the search for a medication to help. I am chemically depressed. I have seen numerous therapists who have all told me that I will most likely be on medication for the rest of my life to help regulate my serotonin levels. I'm ok with that. Deep down I wish I could just "snap out of it" but I can't and I've accepted that. What I hate is that I have tried like 6 different "happy pills" over the years and they all work for awhile then plateau and I have to start again. It's very discouraging.  But I have 4 very good reasons in my life to keep trying and try I will! Anyway, this post was another think-out-loud kind of post. A journal entry that my kids can read one day to understand why their mom was a nut case!  I really am so grateful for The Hubster and my kids. The Hubster has stuck by me through some really crappy times. I know it will get better again, it always does. I'm going to go put in some laundry now and consider the day a success!

The Rut.

When my kids have a cold they don't usually say they have "a cold", they say they have "The Cold", like it's the plague or something (makes me laugh every time!). I don't have The Cold but I do seem to be stuck in The Rut. I am bored. I have no motivation. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of things that I should do(laundry, dishes, mopping, vacuuming, changing sheets, washing walls, etc., etc.), just nothing I want to do. I lack passion for really anything right now and I don't know if it is my depression rearing it's ugly head again or a bad attitude or what. But I find myself sitting at the computer too much because it's easy or wandering around aimlessly just trying to make myself get things done and it feels like everything is just too HUGE. Too much work. Too much energy required. Too much thought needed. Ugh! Now that I am typing I realize this is definitely my depression talking. It's amazing how when you are depressed, even moderately, everything feels impossible. Even typing this feels so tiring and that just seems PATHETIC! Then I think about it too much and I start to feel guilty that I will most likely pass on depression through my genes to my kids and that makes me feel even worse. Not to mention I start thinking of all the things about myself that I am not happy with and would change and then I get angry that I am not one of those good-attitude-go-getter types and....Oy Vay! 

 I've been on anti-depressants for 9 years now. I've struggled with depression since I was a kid. I'm not one of those people that minds taking a "happy pill" every day-no personal stigma attached or anything-but I just switched to another because my previous one was starting to let me down and this new one is like the 6th or 7th I've tried and I am frustrated that I can't just be happy without drugs!!! I read all these things about how exercise can help depression so much but when I exercise my bulging disks in my back and my Plantar Fasciitis in my feet make it so painful to move which just discourages me more. 

Complain...complain...complain...

Anyway, this is really just a therapy post for me so I'm sure it was a real snoozer for you :) but if you have any depression busting ideas let me know...

Me.

So I figured I would write down some random facts about me since this is our new family journal and all. I know my kids like to hear stories from when I was little and funny things that have happened to me so, why not write them down? 

Let's see...

About 4 years ago I stopped traffic at a very busy major highway intersection to save a mama duck and her 7 ducklings from being reduced to feathers by speeding motorists. Then, after I had herded them to the side of the road, a baby rattlesnake kept trying to take a bite out of one of the babies (no I am NOT making this up!) so I had to use a large piece of stray cardboard to separate it from the duck family and herd them a little farther down until the animal control guy came (whom I had called from a cell phone borrowed from a motorist waiting to turn right) and I made sure he would NOT put them back in the pond they had come from on the other side of the highway.. Yep, The Hubster was beside himself when he found out that I could have been hit by a car all to save that feathered family!

I once made The Hubster stop the car so that I could pick up a cat that had just been hit by a car but was still moving (don't worry I used a towel from the trunk and there were no guts exposed) and we took it to the nearest animal shelter. Despite our heroic efforts the poor thing had too many internal injuries and it's nine lives had to be snuffed out by lethal injection. My kids still remember that day and often ask me to pull over and see if any road kill may still be living...and no, I haven't humored them since.

I have picked up numerous stray dogs off the road and/or wandering around the school/neighborhood and taken them home. I've also taken in numerous cats and kittens, including one that gave birth to kittens while chillin' at our place, (quit rolling your eyes Honey!) and found them good homes. 

**Are you sensing an I-really-love-animals theme here?**

I was once almost accosted in a parking lot by a homeless man. I TRULY believe that I was protected that day by Divine Intervention.

I was also almost abducted by an alien once--no really! Well, he claimed to be an alien anyway. I was working at Baskin Robbins as a teenager and a man sat and paced outside the store for a few minutes then came in. He told me that he was an alien from the planet Zoltar and wanted to know if he could see my palm to look for evidence that I might be an alien too. Oh yeah, I gave him my palm(STUPID!!!!), I was too flustered to think about the rapist/mass murderer he could be. He examined it, told me I was human, and left. Yes, I was working by myself that day and yes I realize how bad that situation could have turned out. Again, Divine Intervention.

One of my most embarrassing moments also happened as a Baskin Robbins employee . I was scooping a cone for a customer (a cute one I might add-I was 15 yrs. old!) and the guy I was working with spilled some water. Oh yeah, you see it coming don't you? I stepped back and the next thing I knew I was flat on my butt (which was much smaller then but anywhooo...) and he was looking over the counter asking if I was ok. I assured him I was and handed him his Orange Sherbet on a Waffle Cone. Yes, it had indeed survived the fall! Look at me and my mad skills!

I almost didn't graduate High School because I sluffed too much (I still have a recurring dream that I'm not going to graduate). Man I HATED Biology!!! Thanks to those who walked me to class to make sure I didn't leave...you know who you are.

I modeled for about 5 minutes when I was 15. Ok, I don't know that you could really consider it real modeling but the lady we worked with considered herself part of the industry. My sweet Dad knew my sister and I could use a boost to our self-esteems so he agreed to pay $900 (if I remember right...) for us to play "let's be models". Looking back I realize that our "careers" wouldn't have gone anywhere but it was fun to consider ourselves models for a little while. Well, it was fun when you weren't doing an outdoor photo shoot while strange men walked by ogling you....yuk. The most important thing I learned though was how much my Dad loved me and wanted me to feel good about myself.  Love you Dad!

(Wow! Digital photography sure has improved things over the years. Man, posting these pictures is even more embarrassing than I thought it would be!!!!)

I waited for a missionary...sort of...ok, not very well. No, it wasn't The Hubster.

I once went for a drive up a canyon with my High School boyfriend and we got bottomed out on a snow drift (it was April for crying out loud!) and thought for sure we would have to spend the night there. After we had settled into the back of my oh-so-stylish station wagon (my first car--named Prudence), wrapped in my faux sheepskin seat covers (separate covers...what kind of girl do you think I was?!) because we were that resourceful, a big old truck came around the corner and pulled us off of the drift. We were actually a bit disappointed seeing as we had missed our 15 minutes of fame that would surely have come when the news vans arrived the next morning after we had been reported missing and then found! Not to mention, when I finally arrived home my mother was angry that I was so late. If only she would have known how close she came to losing her beloved daughter to hypothermia that night...*dramatic sigh*

When I was around 11 my dad accidentally ran over my foot with the car. The thing that stands out most in my mind about that night his seeing him throw his orange/vanilla twist cone (Remember those? At McDonalds?) in the trash because he couldn't eat anymore because he felt so bad. No broken bones, a good scrub and nurses picking gravel out of it in the ER for awhile then sending me home wrapped in gauze. After that we always made sure that everybody's feet were safely in the car before backing out... 

I once saved my sister from drowning (not funny--but still a life story). She was about 5 yrs. so I was around 8 yrs. and we were swimming at a neighbor's house in their above ground pool (Ummm...No parents around? I'm just sayin'...). I still remember turning around and seeing her floaty ring floating there on top of the water and she wasn't in it. I looked down in the water and there she was. I don't know how my scrawny 8 yr. old self picked her up and carried her up the ladder, across the backyard to her towel and laid her down, but that's what I did (more Divine Intervention? I think so!). She must not have been under long because she coughed a bit and then was fine. We were both pretty shaken up though and I remember we ran home to warm up in showers. Honestly, had I lost her that day, my life would be infinitely different since she is my bestest friend now!

 Just so you know...we are definitely just as immature and strange much more dignified and refined now than we were in this picture!

When I was around 5 or 6 yrs. old I had a, um, "accident" in my Aunt's bean bag chair and didn't tell her. Wonder where they thought the water came from? Yeah, I know. Too much information...

I've ripped the driver side mirror off of our car while backing out of the garage and backed into my babysitter's Dad's car (again---SO SORRY!). Moral of the story: NEVER PARK BEHIND ME!

-----------------------------------------------

Well, that's probably enough personal humiliation for today. Thanks for laughing at me with me over my blunders. What's your most embarrassing moment?

When I grow up...

 
I read this blog all the time. I admire Shawni so much as a photographer, I aspire to be that good someday. But more than that, her love of homemaking and her zeal for motherhood make me want to be a better person. Ya know 'Joy School'? Her mom started that. Yeah. She has to be great right? She is. Then yesterday I read this post on CJane and thought about it all day. Why don't I find joy in being a homemaker? I want to. How does one change their attitude? I mean really change it. I don't just want to tolerate it. I want to find joy in it! 


I also watched Oprah the other day. Did you see it? The one where they took all of a family's techno gadgets for one week (even the microwave--HORROR!!!), then organized their home and had them really concentrate on connecting with each other. They had to eat more nutritionally, eat together, spend time together etc. No TV, no video games, no cell phones, nothin'. The parents talked about how they had come to let the TV entertain their 5 year old all of the time he was at home. The teenager talked of how he texted almost non-stop and the parents were always either on the internet or checking email. Sound familiar? I don't have a teenager and most nights we have dinner together, but the other stuff fits the bill. 


I remember this talk awhile back. I remember how it made me feel. I remember how it inspired me. Of course, I didn't change anything. But I came across it again the other day and I almost felt like I was being reminded that I was no better off as a mother today than I was the day I heard that talk, and I felt ashamed.  I have to admit, I kinda TV, video games, eating out, reading blog after blog about other people's lives that are always more interesting than mine.You know....the easy way.........  






I think that maybe easy isn't acceptable anymore.

But I'm keeping the microwave. 

My name is Misty....and I am a shopaholic.

I, like a lot of you, am a stay-at-home mom. I am so very blessed  to be a stay-at-home mom. However. I get so freaking stir crazy sometimes that I feel as though I may literally implode at any moment if I don't GET OUT! I know I shouldn't complain. I know that I am incredibly blessed. I know there are mothers who would give anything to stay home with their kids and some mothers in this economy that just wish they had a home to stay home in. So I know I sound ungrateful and I am sorry. But there are so many days that cooking the same meals and cleaning up the same messes and stopping the same arguments just to have them all repeat themselves almost exactly the next day is so maddening! It's like the movie Groundhog Day. Only it seems so much funnier when it's Bill Murray and not me.

Here's where the shopping comes in. I get bored, I get stir crazy, I desperately think of somewhere, anywhere to go and that somewhere is usually Target. Or  Hobby Lobby. Or Walmart. Or....well, you get the picture. Why don't I find a hobby? I have them. Unfortunately my toddler's hobby is to make it impossible for me to do any of them. I miss being able to sit down and bead, or edit pictures, or just watch a T.V. show without being interrupted 47 times. It's very bad when your baby grabs your container of beads and chucks it on the floor. Very bad. So, as mentioned above, I shop. I buy more beads that I won't be able to use for the next 3 years or so. I buy clothes that I think will make me feel better about myself, that I can't fit into because I can't find time (or energy) to work out. Not to mention, when I am not shopping I am eating because I am bored . The people at McDonalds know me now. They see me so often that they ask how my kids are and where I have been when they don't see me for a day or two. Pathetic! The worst part is that a) I pass it on  to my kids and b) I feel so bad when I have to answer to The Hubster for the damage (to our banking account) I have done. He is always patient. He rarely gets mad at me and even when he does it's not much. But I don't want to be this way. I want to be fulfilled. I want to be productive. I want to be SANE!

Before I had kids I worked in  the mortgage industry. I was pretty good at it. I got things done, and they stayed done. People listened to me. I miss that. I miss the satisfaction of closing out a file and knowing that I would never see that file again. I loved that feeling that all my hard work and research and sometimes fighting for the things I needed was really worth it. I miss feeling like my co-workers respected me and thought I was intelligent. Now my brain has shriveled. It doesn't seem to take a lot of brain power to do load after load of laundry and dishes. I HATE cooking (hence the McDonalds...). Most days I do the bear minimum and look forward to going to bed. Wow. I am a real downer. No wonder ya'll keep coming back!

So anyway, here's my question. Do you guys feel that way? What do you do about it? I am stuck in a serious rut and feel like I have been since, well, since I became a mom. Yeah. 9 years, I know. Now, let me clear something up. I LOVE my kids. I DON'T want to go back to work. I KNOW this is where I should be as a mother and the whole point of my rambling is that I want to make it a better experience for myself, which will in turn make it a better experience for my family. Not to mention save us money. Although I'm not sure how the McDonalds employees will go on with out my bright smiling face and sparkling wit.

And that's all I have to say about that.